Airline Announcements?

[Airpark]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

*******************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'


****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

 

[Joni_Lynn]

I've been on a couple flights like that. Now I drive where ever I need to go. (mostly)

 

[wyo-man]

Some of those would apply to the small planes that fly/land in the Wyoming wind.............

wyo-man

 

[Old 44 Guy]

Joni; I agree 100%. Last flight I made [Continital] From Newark to Orlando, they not only lost my luggage, never got it back either, they shut off the engines & air conditioning in Orlando. It was in July.

 

[ContinentalOp]

The captain said these lines (paraphrased) during the safety presentation for a flight I was on (I think it was American Airlines):

"In the event there is a drop in pressure an oxygen mask will fall from the ceiling. [Instructions on putting the mask on] Please put the mask on before helping any children, or adults acting like children."

"In the event this flight becomes a cruise, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device."

 

[MK]

Approach:"Bonanza 56, turn right, heading 350. I hate to tell you this,
but you're number 9 for landing, and I have to send you up to
Georgetown."

Bonanza 56W :"No problem; those Boeings have a lot more
passengers than I do."

Approach:"56W, what speed can you give me to the outer marker?"

Bonanza 56W:"I can give you 150 knots."

Approach:"Great. If you can do that, I'll give you a kiss. Turn left,
heading 280, and join the localizer 17L."

Bonanza 56W:"Left to 280, join the localizer 17L, and I'll pass on the
kiss."

Approach:[Laughter.]

Southwest 123:"SW 123 checking in on the localizer 17R. And we'll
pass on the kiss, too."


[Other aircraft check in and add to the laughter.]

Approach:"Hey, I'm getting my feelings hurt here! SW 123, ask one of
your flight attendants if they would like the kiss."

SW 123:"Stand by."

[After a few moments ... .]

SW 123:"Approach, SW 123. One of our flight attendants will meet you
on the ground for the kiss. His name is Kevin."

 

[BigRich315]

- If one of our engines go out, how far will the other one take us?
- All the way to the scene of the crash, which is lucky 'cause that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the ambulance there by 30 minutes!

 

[HighStrung]

As a licensed commercial pilot myself (2000+ landings), it's amazing how varied the touchdowns can be. I've landed with 35kt crosswinds and no one ever knew we actually made contact with the ground, it was as smooth as glass. At the same time, I've had perfect conditions and bounced that thing all the way down the runway.

Craziest personal experience. While I was earning my private license, my instructor decided to take a quick little flight into Indianapolis Intl Airport the day of the Indy 500. We were farting along in our little Piper Cherokee 140 (cruise speed 120kts) with ATC screaming at us to get out of the way of all the Learjets that were about to eat our *** if we didn't get out of their way. I landed that day at full throttle pushing forward on the stick as hard as I could just to get it on the ground. We turned onto the taxiway at 85+kts. That plane could take off at just over 60. Will never do that again.