Dilemma: How to Tell Someone It's Time to Leave

[snubbyfan]

As many here know, I do custom leather work. Not as a job or to make a living but occasional one offs of things people may find difficult or impossible to find.

Anyway, there's a fellow that likes to collect really big Bowie knives and can't find any with left handed sheaths (he's left handed) so he's had me make left handed knife sheaths for him.
With the passage of time, we've become friends.

Only problem is he'll stop by unannounced and stay for a while. Usually not a problem but sometimes my wife and I will have plans and he tends to stay for a while.
If we knew he was coming, we could include his visit in our plans.

Today, my wife and I went for a nice mountain hike and when we got home we planned to grill a coupla plump chicken breasts we had marinading in a garlic herb white wine marinade for three days.
Shortly after I lit the chimney starter full of charcoal we hear a car horn blow and there he was.
That's groovy, the coals'll take a while to light.
But he stayed after my cigar was done, the coals were in the grill and I was ready to cook.
If we knew he was coming, we coulda planned around his visit and ever cook supper for him.
He's a good guy, kinda quirky and we do enjoy his company but sometimes, his visits can be a bit inconvenient.

How do I tell somebody that I actually like that it's time to leave without hurt feelings?

 

[M29since14]

"Hey, I've got to cook dinner now for the wife. You'll have to excuse me. Thanks for stopping by!"

 

[arjay]

Some people are just tone deaf to social signals and need to be told.
There's an old family friend that's pulled this on everyone he knows for years and years.I finally just excluded him from my own family altogether,but he's still buds with another part of the family and will pop in and monologue for hours ��.Its sad,his own family just avoids him

 

[hittman77]

"We appreciate you stopping by and I'll shoot you an email tomorrow."

 

[steelslaver]

Be honest with him and tell him whats going on and why it bothers you. If he doesn't understand or gets upset by it he isn't really your friend. Friends don't get upset at friends when they are told that if your going to stop by for more than a few minutes give a call so we can either make it a joint event or inform you that we have plans for a couples outing. That simple. If I am doing something that bothers one of my friends I would want to know about it. Your keeping quiet about it isn't going to end well. You sound like a heck of a nice guy just by the way you explained this., but over time the sour feeling this part of your relationship with the guy is going to make it hard to keep friendly.

 

[kwselke]

Tell him what you just posted here, and shake his hand.

 

[gman51]

You might tell him to call next time before coming over because sometimes you have made plans for the day. Catch ya next time but call first please.

 

[vytoland]

"Hey, I've got to cook dinner now for the wife. You'll have to excuse me. Thanks for stopping by!"

this is tactful, courteous and to the point.....don't be afraid to use it.....

 

[jeffsmith]

In "Days Gone By" I was most probably like your friend
Too much so (Though i believe i have changed)

Honesty & Firmness but as a Friend is the Best Course of Action
if he does it to you he does it to others and they may not be as tolerant as you

If you tell him the truth you will not only save his friendship with you
but will help how he relates to everyone else too

 

[RobertJ.]

Tough call!

In your case, I probably would have scrounged something to grill for him so he could eat. I'm okay with the pop-in, and my friends all know it, but they realize that they're eating whatever I can come up with.

This summer, we had a situation that was somewhat related to that. We had friends come and stay, and then stay several days past when they said they'd leave. (Who can blame them? Everyone loves the beach!) And, we've been friends for a long time, so they're really more like family. So I printed these up, and told my wife I was going to hang them in the kitchen. I was kidding, of course, but it was still therapeutic for me:

 

[two-bit cowboy]

Hi snubbyfan,

I'd bet your dilemma is not an uncommon one. I think it's especially common among folks who are in business (no matter how small or elaborate). Some of your customers view you and your place as a business – even though I'm sure you don't have a sign posted with your business hours, and maybe you don't have a business sign at all. Once they've "done business" with you their mindset changes, and "you're there for them" whenever they feel the desire to pop in. My personal experiences as a country inn keeper taught me this lesson.

As a herd animal I am a social creature, but most of my socializing happens outside my cabin. I don't like folks stopping by simply because they have time for that. I must be pretty good at conveying that concept to folks because nobody just drops in on me, even though I've never told anyone that behavior bothers me.

Perhaps, now that you've gotten me to think about all this, nobody drops in because of how I treat them when I want to see them for some reason. I always call them first and ask whether it's convenient for me to stop in, and if it's not right then I ask them to tell me when it would be. They've all come to extend that same courtesy to me. (We're such a congenial lot!)

I'll take this to another level, too. Even if I'm only calling to talk I always ask the person if it's a convenient time to talk.

Here's one thought. Do you know where your friend lives? His phone number? If not perhaps you could ask him. My thinking is this: you call him and ask whether it's convenient for you to stop by his place to talk. He might get the hint that you prefer that sort of relationship and return the courtesy when he wants to stop and see you and your wife. Some folks don't catch on that quickly so it might not work.

To me his stopping by at the time you're fixin' dinner offers you a great opportunity to let him know you'd appreciate knowing when he's going to stop in. Tell him what you're doing and tell him, just as you told us, that if you had known he was coming you would have made provisions for him to eat with you (if and only if you would really want him to). This gives you the chance to take control of your time and your schedule and still come across as the nice guy you are. If he's got an ounce of common sense and understanding your being open with him should cause his immediate departure.

You don't have to tell folks why "Now is not a convenient time for you to stop in to visit." You do not owe them an explanation. Folks should respond to your words and depart post hast!

Let's say nothing works along the lines of getting him to call first.

Plan B. One time – when you have time – when he stops in, have a frank conversation explaining your thoughts and feelings. You explained the dilemma very well in your post. I found nothing out of order or offensive. Everyone deserves to control their time and not have it controlled by others.

Best of luck finding a solution that works for you.

Bob

 

[Jessie]

Snubby, you're going to either have to invite him to supper and beyond, invite him to supper and explain how you weren't prepared for it and you'll get together later after supper or tell him it's great to hear from him again, but you'll call him back when you're ready for company.
Some people are attuned to these things and some people need a gentle hint.

 

[vigil617]

Tough situation to handle tactfully, especially considering that people like your friend are often so grateful for having an acccomodating friend and host, they gravitate to you for the company. There's a degree of social ineptitude in this, of course, but then again, not everybody had a chance to learn the right ways to behave in social situations, and in other cases, people have a hard time making friends and tend to overcompensate.

I agree with others who recommend honesty as the best policy. There are tactful and humane ways to do that, which should always be the first option. I think most times, it works. Sometimes, though, it might take a bit more firmness to get the message across.

Interrupting meal times for other people is a no-no, especially when there is an attempt to perhaps wrangle an invitation in the process. Up to you if you want a dinner companion under those circumstances, but it's hard for someone to argue with you if you say something like "my wife and I had planned to have a special evening for just the two of us -- hope you understand." If it happens again, the same response will work, and might get through to the other person in the process.

 

[Ray1970]

Start charging him rent. It made my grown kids leave.

 

[snubbyfan]

I met him at a 3 day music festival at a local resort. I had a vendors table set up with some samples of my work and a pile of some simple soft sided leather shoulder pouches.
The pouches sold out. He told me that he was left handed and needed some knife sheaths.
That's how it all started.
He comes out here to the local resorts and sometimes he'll drop off another knife in need of a sheath.
I have no idea where he lives or what his phone number is.
I do have his email address but he rarely replies.
We have asked several times to let us know when he plans to stop by and reiterated the request today.
I have no signage and I have no desire to make leatherworking a business. Sometimes I get overloaded just from word of mouth and havta turn people down.

Everybody's giving some excellent advice.
Keep it comin'.

 

[arjay]

He's ignoring your request for advance notice.Is he really worth the trouble?

 

[Jessie]

Snubby, the best advice I can give is just be honest with him.
It may not be the easiest thing to do, but it will always be the best thing to do.

 

[nachogrande]

YOU JUST TOLD COUNTLESS PEOPLE.

Tell him exactly the same way. Trying to be over polite with a "white lie", (no offense) and you have to keep track of it & risk getting caught lying to him, which could turn out worse. Like a stray dog, if you feed him he may never leave. If he's a member here, well played sir.

 

[Muley Gil]

Geez Snubby, all you had to do was to tell me go home. You didn't have to post it on the Forum. See if I bring you any more see-gars.

 

[nachogrande]

AFTER IRMA....

96 Hours (you know it's bad when you count in hours) in a shuttered house & no electric/ac for 1/2 of it with my sister & her 2 big destructive dogs, IT GETS EASY. After the umpteenth "I'm sorry, I'll pay for it", I was like, "you do know I have lots of guns, right?" The wife kept a running tab & we got our first check the other day. It took EASILY twice as long as her stay to decompress, still working on her & her dogs damages.