HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[STCM(SW)]

I never use words in front of woman and children unless it is in Italian and they would not know what it means....
My father taught me that......

 

[robvious]

dad used...
summer ditching
dirty basket..

 

[kraynky]

Sunny Beaches! In one of my favorite cult films "Tremors", they use Mother Humper, maybe not all that benign.......

 

[ACORN]

I find that
“Your mother was a hamster, and you father smelled of elderberries”, brings grown men to tears.

Now go away, or I will taunt you some more.

 

[greenwellg]

I just condensed a certain word to dumus.

 

[dockmurgw]

That English alternative doesn't really fly. Somebody I knew was on vacation with her 10-year old girl when they met an English family whose son used that word a lot. My friend and her girl decided it rolled off the tongue quite well and started using it themselves...with no clue what it meant. Some hilarity followed when they were directed to a webpage for decoding English slang.

This reminds me of my dear Godmother. She was a Brit and learned soon after arriving that "Keep your pecker up" held an entirely different meaning here.

 

[Bugkiller99]

A well placed “FECES!” With the proper inflection may work.

 

[dockmurgw]

I use the following...they are all interchangeable depending on the mood.

Knit Wit
Dim Wit
Knot Head
Maroon

 

[biku324]

You're just going to have clean up your fecal matter. And NEVER allow children to dance to 'Cotton-Eyed Joe' with Cajuns until age 14.

 

[CAJUNLAWYER]

Don’t you have some appropriate Cajun French available?

Oh I have plenty. Problem is that a lot of people understand what it means.

 

[Protocall_Design]

There is "Clumsy Bar Steward". That would be bartender in USA english.

 

[tlawler]

There was a radio bit back in Maine where Samuel L Jackson's favorite term was substituted as "monkey fighting".

That's all I've got!

In the safe for tv version of “Snakes on a Plane”, he said “There’s Monday thru Friday snakes on this plane”.

 

[Buford57]

You could try watching some old Yosemite Sam cartoons. My father's harshest epithet was "potlicker" (a worthless dog, not what's left after cooking collards), teamed with "ignorant" in extreme cases. I picked it up from him and years after I pulled the pin they said you could tell the rookies I had broken in because they now used it, too.

 

[CBH405]

Friend used to say Mortar Forker.

 

[6string]

I would consider the English “W*nker” suggested above to be potentially quite crude! The meaning varies a bit with context, accent, and intensity.

So, I recommend foreign languages.
I can’t in good conscience list these uncensored, but maybe offer some clues. Hmmm..
From our friends in Italy (that’s a hint so you can use a translator to fill out the complete spelling for these colorful terms).
As DWalt suggested above, context, pronunciation, and geography (!) can have a big effect on their true meaning. My “Raggazzi” used these all the time in mixed company. When used with a soft casual tone nobody nearby seemed particularly offended or shocked. Ramp it up a bit and add a hand gesture, though, and things get spicy! In fact, hand gestures change everything.

So, these are the classics:
“V*f*nc*lo”, or it’s shortened “F*nc*lo”, or “C*zz*”…

A few phrases are good, too: “Chi c*zzo credi di assere” is a lovely saying.
“S*cchia” is good when accompanied by a hand gesture (no not that one!). Put an accent on the hard consonant.

In fact, my “Raggazzi” often tried to trick me into saying things when I occasionally needed linguistic assistance. (The following is not profanity, but might create some laughs, or get you in trouble with the wifey) “Hey Jim, tell that girl “Fa caldo qui, o sei tu?”

Of course, our German friends are masters.
Start with “Sch**s”
It has multiple meanings, depending on context.

The nice thing is, with a practiced pronunciation, they can be either kinda cute or very edgy.

 

[TXBryan]

Several years ago a good friend hosted some German girls in their early 20s for a church mission exchange. To he, and his wife's surprise, they swore like sailors and the "F" word was their special favorite. Faced with the same dilemma as the OP they had to come up with a socially acceptable alternative. As they were German the collective decision was "Was da hecken?" Long after the girls returned home my friends still use the term as do I. Remember the "w" is pronounced as a "v" in Deutsch

Bryan

 

[taz666]

Do you sing? Try some show tunes .. ones with a punchy start. Stuff from "The Sound of Music" or "Guys and Dolls".

 

[pharmer]

WC Fields had many creative expressions; "Godfrey Daniel" is the only one comes to mind though. Joe

 

[mtgianni]

When referring to another persons actions, "Buzzard puke" or piece of Buzzard Puke seem to fit.

A co-worker was surprised when the first complete sentence from his two year-olds mouth happened at a stop light. It was something like "go ya dumb witch". His wife was less than pleased.

 

[WR Moore]

The reboot of Battlestar Galactica used "frack" a lot. Then, there's always "flucker/plucker". A sci-fi book series used "spec".