I need a good laugh
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No jokes, But your gonna Love this:
Flying fish attacks cat! - YouTube
Flying fish attacks cat! - YouTube
Was watching a quiz show yesterday and the question was "What country would you be in if you were getting the Nobel Prize?
The contestants' answers were:
1. France
2. Switzerland
3. Don't know
Obviously, they are not candidates for the Nobel prize, and none of them had Swedish names..............
The contestants' answers were:
1. France
2. Switzerland
3. Don't know
Obviously, they are not candidates for the Nobel prize, and none of them had Swedish names..............
Ole and his Wife Lena were driving home one night. Ole looks in his rear view mirror and sees a police car with it's top lights on behind him. He pulls over and his friend Sven, the local cop, comes running up to his car "Ole, did you know Lena fell out on that last curve back there"? Ole says "Oh, good, I thought I was going Deaf"!
Jim
Jim
The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, “Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I’m gone, you’ll marry Sven Svenson.”
“SVEN SVENSON???” she shrieks. “You’ve hated him all your life!”
Ole answers, “Yep, I still do.”
“SVEN SVENSON???” she shrieks. “You’ve hated him all your life!”
Ole answers, “Yep, I still do.”
CelticSire
US Veteran
Ole had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Yet Lena had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know vat? You have been vith me all tru da bad times. Ven I got fired, you vere dare to support me. Ven my business failed, you vere dare. Ven I got shot, you vere by my side. Ven we lost da house, you stayed right here. Ven my health started failing, you vere still by my side... You know vhat Lena?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. Ole says, 'I'm beginning to tink you're bad luck....'
Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I jus von da lottery! Pack your bags!"
Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?"
Ole says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"
Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I jus von da lottery! Pack your bags!"
Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?"
Ole says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"
CelticSire
US Veteran
Sven and Ole are putting on a roof. Ole accidently cuts off his ear. Ole goes down to look for it. Sven sees Ole on his hands and knees looking for something in the grass. "What happened, Ole?" "Oh, I cut my ear off and I'm trying to find it". Sven offers to help so he too is down on all fours looking for Ole's ear. A few minutes later Sven says, "Hey, Ole! I tink I found your ear." Ole says, "No, that's not it, mine had a pencil behind it."
Ole and Sven are standing at the gates of heaven. Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"
Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack."
"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"
Ole and Sven are standing at the gates of heaven. Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"
Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack."
"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"
Here's an old one with a twist
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve
don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for
da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve
don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for
da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate!
Armyphotog
Member
Political correctness stopped all of that. I liked the Polish jokes myself, but some said it was offensive to that race. Heck, I never minded the redneck jokes, but that's just me.
CelticSire
US Veteran
Thank you all, i realy needed that
Uff da! (Wife is Swedish heritage-her grandparents emigrated)
ACP230
Member
Ole was lying in the upstairs bedroom, at death's door.
Suddenly he smelled his favorite cookies baking.
It gave him a little strengh and he rolled out of bed and crawled to the stairs. After resting a while he slid down them and crawled on hands and knees through the hallway. That tired him out again but after a while he was able to low crawl into the kitchen.
It took him quite a while to reach the table where some of the cookies were on a cooling rack. With his last strength he reached up and grabbed for one...
Lena hit him on the hand with a wooden spoon.
"Ole! Those are for the funeral!"
w
Suddenly he smelled his favorite cookies baking.
It gave him a little strengh and he rolled out of bed and crawled to the stairs. After resting a while he slid down them and crawled on hands and knees through the hallway. That tired him out again but after a while he was able to low crawl into the kitchen.
It took him quite a while to reach the table where some of the cookies were on a cooling rack. With his last strength he reached up and grabbed for one...
Lena hit him on the hand with a wooden spoon.
"Ole! Those are for the funeral!"
w
Maximumbob54
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Alpo
Member
Lars, Sven and Ole are out in the deep woods, and get lost. Suddenly Lars kicks up a strange bottle, lying in the brush. They take the cork out and a genie appears.
The genie says that, normally he gives his bottle's finder three wishes, but since there are three of them, he will give them each one wish.
Sven says, "I don like it out here in dese voods. I vish I be home." Poof. Sven disappears.
Ole says, "Ja, me too, I don like it out here. I vish I be home." Poof. Ole disappears.
Lars looks around at the darkness in the deep woods, and says, "It be too dam scary out here in dese voods alone. I vish Sven and Ole vuz back here vid me."
The genie says that, normally he gives his bottle's finder three wishes, but since there are three of them, he will give them each one wish.
Sven says, "I don like it out here in dese voods. I vish I be home." Poof. Sven disappears.
Ole says, "Ja, me too, I don like it out here. I vish I be home." Poof. Ole disappears.
Lars looks around at the darkness in the deep woods, and says, "It be too dam scary out here in dese voods alone. I vish Sven and Ole vuz back here vid me."
Ole ans Sven were sitting on the front porch drinking a few beers, when a large truck hauling big rolls of sod went by. " I'm gonna do dat when I vin zee lotery " says Sven. " Do vat " says Ole. " Send MY grass out to be mowed ".
Sven and Ole go deer hunting in the deep woods. They kill a huge 12 point Whitetale Buck. They start dragging it back to their truck and meet another hunter. The hunter comments on what a large buck they have. Ole says "Ya, he is so big he is hard to drag". The other hunter says, "You should drag him by his antlers instead of his hind legs, he'll be easier to pull."
Everyone goes on their way. Pretty soon Ole says "That feller vas sure right, dis old buck is a lot easier to drag by da horns. Whereupon, Sven says "Ya he vus, but I'm getting a little worried, ve are getting further and further from the truck."
Everyone goes on their way. Pretty soon Ole says "That feller vas sure right, dis old buck is a lot easier to drag by da horns. Whereupon, Sven says "Ya he vus, but I'm getting a little worried, ve are getting further and further from the truck."
Jim in Wisconsin
Member
Ole and Sven were bachelor farmers. One day while having breakfast, Ole looks out the window and sees the barn on fire. He tells Sven "I'll go get the animals out you call the fire dept.!"
Sven call the fire dept. and says "Come quick, the barns on fire!!"
The dispatcher asks "How do we get there?"
Sven pauses and says "Vell you got them fire trucks dontcha?"
Sven call the fire dept. and says "Come quick, the barns on fire!!"
The dispatcher asks "How do we get there?"
Sven pauses and says "Vell you got them fire trucks dontcha?"
LARS OLAFSEN
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The old man answers "Is name of owner."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"I am he," answers the old man.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The old man replies:[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Lars Olafsen's Laundry." [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The old man answers "Is name of owner."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"I am he," answers the old man.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The old man replies:[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'[/FONT]
Ole has been shot to death. How'd that happen? Vell, he vas up near da border with Canada cuttin trees. A forest ranger saw him at a distance and yelled "Vas is your name and whacha been doin"
Ole replied "Ole, bin loggin"
Ole replied "Ole, bin loggin"
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