Alien Abductors ask him to probe them
Cuba imports cigars from him.
Dicing onions doesn’t make him cry, it only makes him stronger
Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number
Every time he goes for a swim dolphins appears
Find out what it is in life you don’t do well and then don’t do that thing
He bowls overhand.
He can identify UFOs
He can open a Piñata with a wink and a smile
He can speak spanish in russian
He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
He has amassed an incredibly large DVD library and it is said he never once alphabetized it
He has been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into the room
He has crossed the point of no return – on several occasions.
He has inside jokes with complete strangers
He has never filled up on chips
He has never relied on Mistletoe
He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.
He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks.
He is left-handed and right-handed.
He is the only man to have ever aced a Rorschach test
He is the reason those nine ladies are dancing
He lives vicariously through him self
He never says something tastes like chicken, not even chicken
He once challenged his own reflection to a staring contest on the third day he won
He once punched a magician – that’s right you heard me
He tips an astonishing 100%.
He wouldn’t be afraid to show his feminine side if he had one
He’s won trophies for his game face alone
His blood smells like cologne
His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.
His charm is so contagious vaccines have been created for it
He is the life of parties he has never attended
If he were to punch you in the face you have to fight off the strong urge to thank him
His hands feel like rich brown suede
His legend proceeds him the way lighting proceeds thunder
His mother has a tattoo that says son
His New Year Resolutions will blow your mind thats why he never tells anyone
His passport requires no photograph.
His personality is so magnetic he is unable to carry credit cards
His pillow talk is years ahead of it’s time.
His Pinatas fight back
His reputation is expanding faster than the universe
His shirts never wrinkle.
His snow globe gets 24 inches of powder annually
His words carry weight that would break a less interesting mans jaw
If at first he does not succeed, then it is impossible.
If he were to give you directions you would never get lost and arrive at least 5 minutes early
If here were to mail a letter with out postage it would still get there
If you were to see him walking a Chihuahua it would still look masculine
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him
Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
One should never shake his gifts (just trust me on this one)
Panhandlers give him money
Regardless of temperature you can never see his breath
Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.
Several saints share his likeness or vice versa depending on who you ask
Some say he found the fountain of youth but didn’t drink because he wasn’t thirsty
The aztec calendar has his cinco de mayo party chiseled in
The contents of his tacos refuse to fall from their shells
The front of his house looks like it was built by the Mayans because it was
The pheromones he secrets have been known to affect people miles away in a slight but measurable way
The police often question just because they find him interesting
When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.
When it is raining it is because he thinking about something sad
Years ago he Built city of of blocks – today over 600,000 people live and work there
His tailgate parties have been known to cause game delays
HE HAS NEVER HAD A “MY BAD”
He gave his father “the talk”
In a past life he was him self
If opportunity knocks and he’s not home, opportunity waits
His morning breath has notes of saffron and a hint of lilac
His shadow frequently appears on multiple best dressed lists
On multiple occasions, he has vouched for himself
When he holds a woman’s purse, he looks intimidating
He can play Chopin on the drums
Eskimos have seven different words to describe his beard.
Even his nod sounds like a plan
People hang on his every word, even the prepositions
He could disarm you with his looks or his hands, either way
He can speak french in russian
He is a lover not a fighter but he is also fighter so don’t get any ideas
He has been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room
His organ donation card also lists his beard
