Old Seabee
US Veteran
Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma ? There is no menu -- you get what you deserve .
Joke time
- Thread starter Old Seabee
- Start date
- Status
LoboGunLeather
US Veteran
Unlike the New York lawyer who married a lady from Asia and opened a trendy new restaurant called "Sosumi".
< < < rimshot > > >
histreenut
Member
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2018
- Messages
- 115
- Reaction score
- 437
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him...
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
A warthog walked into a yuppie bar and ordered a draft beer. The bartender said, "That'll be $8.50." The warthog paid for the beer and started sipping on his beer when the bartender said, "You know, we don't get many warthogs in here."
The warthog replied, "At these prices, you won't get many more."
The warthog replied, "At these prices, you won't get many more."
ParadiseRoad
Member
If Mike were here there would be a lot of us heading to our rooms right about now.
histreenut
Member
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2018
- Messages
- 115
- Reaction score
- 437
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches...
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
ParadiseRoad
Member
I know where this sign is. It's in Westminster, Maryland. I used to go by it every day to and from work.
Grayfox
US Veteran
You can't be both a winner and a loser.
Really? Try "Employee of the Month"?
Really? Try "Employee of the Month"?
histreenut
Member
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2018
- Messages
- 115
- Reaction score
- 437
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed...
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2012
- Messages
- 34,240
- Reaction score
- 33,671
- City & State/Province
- (outside) Charleston, SC
Ba da BOOM......
Hey! Good evening ladies and germs, I can't hear you I've got a banana in my ear! Take my wife! PLEASE!
Hey! Good evening ladies and germs, I can't hear you I've got a banana in my ear! Take my wife! PLEASE!
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 14,564
- Reaction score
- 20,149
- City & State/Province
- Beach Side West Florida
YOUSE GUYS IS INCORRIGIBLE
Wealthy lady's prize poodle gets run over. It is dead but she still wants a vet to check it out. Vet tells her, “lady that poodle’s DEAD.” Lady says, “can’t you run a test to make sure?”
Vet leaves comes back in with the lazy, front office tom cat. Tom cat sniffs all over the dog. Vet picks up cat and leaves the examination room.
Lady is then escorted out and handed the bill—“$50 office visit. $250 Cat Scan!”
Vet leaves comes back in with the lazy, front office tom cat. Tom cat sniffs all over the dog. Vet picks up cat and leaves the examination room.
Lady is then escorted out and handed the bill—“$50 office visit. $250 Cat Scan!”
oneounceload
Member
Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
'Because I forgot where I put him – OK!!'
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
'Because I forgot where I put him – OK!!'
oneounceload
Member
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in separate private areas on all ships.
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised:
"Female sleeping quarters will be "OFF LIMITS" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine assigned to one of the ships stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"Sir, how much for a season pass?”
God bless the Marine Corps!
SEMPER FI !
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised:
"Female sleeping quarters will be "OFF LIMITS" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine assigned to one of the ships stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"Sir, how much for a season pass?”
God bless the Marine Corps!
SEMPER FI !
oneounceload
Member
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color,15 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color,15 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS
REM 3200
US Veteran
histreenut
Member
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2018
- Messages
- 115
- Reaction score
- 437
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me...
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
Sent from my VS835 using Tapatalk
Think Steven Wright's voice.
oneounceload
Member
I'm posting this with a heavy heart.
As much as I love shooting, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be re-homing my collection.
Below is a list of what's available. All FREE of charge, to good homes only.
Serious inquiries only please.
1. Dustpan and brush
2. Sponges
3. Dusters
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum cleaner
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays
13. Scrub brushes
As much as I love shooting, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be re-homing my collection.
Below is a list of what's available. All FREE of charge, to good homes only.
Serious inquiries only please.
1. Dustpan and brush
2. Sponges
3. Dusters
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum cleaner
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays
13. Scrub brushes
oneounceload
Member
The Italian job...
YOU JUST GOT TO HAND IT TO THOSE OLD ITALIANS GUYS,
THEY'RE ALWAYS THINKING AHEAD.
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian
customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the
floor.
"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse"
YOU JUST GOT TO HAND IT TO THOSE OLD ITALIANS GUYS,
THEY'RE ALWAYS THINKING AHEAD.
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian
customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the
floor.
"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse"
oneounceload
Member
Legal tip...Never ask a question you don't know the answer to
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
- Status
Similar threads
