July 1 is International Joke Day

snubbyfan

snubbyfan

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Let's hear them guys.


I'll start.
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
 
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Farmer Schmidt was driving on the PA Turnpike in Lancaster County when his farm truck got sideswiped by a semi-truck. He decided to sue the trucking company.

The trucking company hired a Philadelphia lawyer who came to court in a $1000.00 suit and $400.00 shoes. After Farmer Schmidt gave his testimony, the Philadelphia lawyer proceeded to cross-examine Farmer Schmidt.

The Philadelphia lawyer began, "Mr. Schmidt, you are claiming damages for personal injury from the accident you allege my client inflicted on you. Isn't is true that when the attending State Trooper inquired about your condition, you replied, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Schmidt started to reply, "Well, I have to explain what happened . . . " when he was interrupted by the Philadephia lawyer, who said, "Mr. Schmidt, you are not being responsive to my question. I'm asking you again. When the attending State Trooper asked you about your condition after the alleged accident, did you or did you not reply 'I'm fine'?"

Again, Farmer Schmidt began to relate what happened stating, "Well, I have to explain about that . . . .", and the lawyer for the trucking company blew a gasket.

The Philadelphia lawyer thundered, "Your Honor, the plaintiff is being totally unresponsive to my question. He is trying to perpetrate a fraud on my client and this Court. I am prepared to bring in the attending State Trooper from the alleged accident, and he will testify that when he inquired as to the plaintiff's condition, the plaintiff replied, 'I'm fine.'"

By this time the judge is curious as to what went on and said to Farmer Schmidt, "Mr. Schmidt, please tell the Court what happened when the State Trooper arrived."

Farmer Schmidt took a breath and said, "Well, Judge, I was driving in my pickup truck on the Turnpike and pulling a trailer that was carrying my best mule, Maude. When that big semi-truck sideswiped my truck, the trailer broke off and went off the road down the bank on one side, and my truck went off the road and down the bank on the other side. I was getting out of my truck and I could hear Maude just bawling and carrying on something fierce. Then I heard the siren on the police car and the police car stopping. The next thing I heard was a shot, and Maude stopped bawling. Then the policeman came over to me and he had his gun in his hand and said to me, 'Sir, your mule was in pretty bad shape so I had to shoot it. How are you feeling'?"
 
Lawyer joke:


* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
 
Three dinosaurs come across a magical lamp. The first dinosaur rubs it and a genie appears. "I have three wishes. One for each of you," the genie says. The first dinosaur doesn't hesitate before his request "All right, I'll have a big, juicy piece of meat." Immediately, a big, juicy piece of meat appears in front of him. Instantly envious, the second dinosaur speaks up. "Well, I want a shower of meat!" As soon as he utters his wish, a shower of meat rains down upon him. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone, has to think for a second about what could possibly be better than a shower of meat. "Aha, I've got it!" he proclaims. "I'll have a meatier shower!"
 
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay old man. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
 
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
 
There were several Cowboys sitting around in the Fort Worth Texas Stock Show Sale Barn waiting for the lightweight calves to run through. Suddenly a Cell Phone rings out disturbing the Auction. One of the Cowboys answers it...
Cowboy: "Hello?"
Wife: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the Salebarn?"
Cowboy: "Yep."
Wife: "Great! I am at the Mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a Beautiful Mink Coat. It's Absolutely Gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
Cowboy: "Well Maybe, What's the price?"
Wife: "Honey, It;s Only $3,900. The normal price is $4,700."
Cowboy: "Well, I guess it's ok. Go ahead and buy it, if you like it that much..."
Wife: "oh I do! I do! Oh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealership and saw the 2020 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me an excellent price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year I was thinking..."
Cowboy: "What price did he quote you?"
Wife: "Only $110,000..."
Cowboy: "OK, but for that price I want it loaded with all the options."
Wife: "I'll Tell him. But before we hang up, there's something else..."
Cowboy: "Yes?"
Wife: "It might sound like a lot, but I was looking at our Bank Account, and...I stopped by the Real Estate Agent this morning, and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on Sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
Cowboy: "How much are they asking for it now?"
Wife: "Only $3.5 million - a Magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it..."
Cowboy: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
Wife: "OK, sweetie, I will. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
Cowboy: "Bye...I love u too..."
The Cowboy hangs up the Cell Phone while looking at it. He then looks around him, raising his hand in the air holding the phone and asks to all those around him;
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
 
Amish engineering

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer
stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector, on the back of your buggy, is broken and it could be
dangerous."

"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it
as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider that cruelty
to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about
the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake"!
 
years ago I worked with an old Chinese gentleman named Ollie Olson... it took quite a few years for me to work up the courage, but he was a good friend at that point so I felt comfortable enough to ask... Ollie, how did you get your name...?
Ollie explained decades ago when he came to America he came thru Ellis Island when he was 14 years old all alone. He waited in line with all the other hopefuls for the opportunity to become an American... he tried to pay attention to what was going on in front of him so he would be prepared when it was his turn. The man in front of him was a large blonde man from Sweden... when it was the Swede's turn the immigration official asked him. Have you come to America of your own free will? He responded yah yah you betcha...
Have you come to America to become a citizen renouncing all ties to your homeland? yah yah you betcha...
What is your name?
Ollie Olson...
Welcome to America.
Ollie said it was his turn now.. even though he was nervous, he was ready.

Have you come to America of your own free will? yah yah.. I mean yes sir..

Have you come to America to become a citizen renouncing all ties to your homeland? yes sir...

What is your name?
Sam Ting..

they have called me Ollie ever since...
 
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