Keep them off balance...

[PALADIN85020]

These are snappy responses to common situations!

Someone asks you what you've been doing lately -

Your response: "Why - what have you heard?"

A stranger sits down close to you -

You say in a confidential tone:

"Did you bring the money?"

John

 

[robvious]

I jump up and exclaim,
"You did WHAT to who for HOW MANY cookies? "

 

[lihpster]

What's the frequency, Kevin?

 

[444 Magnum]

I bought one new vehicle in my life in 1994. I was working at a refinery in Billings MT and wore my coveralls to the dealer to car shop.
The first salesman didn't know the differences in the types of four wheel drives. I told him to go find someone who did.
After two days of negotiating and leaving, a deal was struck on the third day. The sales manager sat down with me to go over all the points of the sale. Numbered 1 through 6 or so.
He got to number 6 and read, "Now, you can't tell anyone what a good deal we're giving you."
I jumped up, looked over each shoulder and exclaimed, "Did someone write 'STUPID' on the back of my coveralls again?"
I enjoyed it, but I don't think the sales manager did.

 

[Rudi]

If you speak another language, speak that to the person who sits near you. But be polite, just in case they speak it too.

 

[S42N8]

“So THAT’s how you get blood out of drywall!”

 

[Walkin Horse]

Whenever I check out at Publix the cashier asks if I found everything. I always answer I don’t know,did you hide something. Some laugh,some seem surprised.

 

[30-30remchester]

I didn't realize how old I was getting till I was at a checkout counter with a half dozen younger customers awaiting their turn. Someone asked if I remember what I was doing in the 1970's. My reply was "killing Jimmie Hoffa and hiding his body". The look of puzzlement among all of them, and someone asked "who".

 

[Nedroe]

Sometimes, when people ask " Do you need help?" I respond with
"Depends on who you ask"

When they say "Can I help you?" I respond with " I don't know, what kind of psychology degree do yo have?"

People come in my office, I say "What's your problem?" Followed immediately with" No, wait! I don't have that much time. Why are you here?"



Ned

 

[Muss Muggins]

“Is it safe . . . ?”

 

[LVSteve]

“Is it safe . . . ?”

One can only guess how many regular appointments at the dentists were canceled after that movie came out. I've seen it once...once too often.

Getting back to the OP:

"Is the accident theory holding up?"

or

"It's done, you'd better have the money."

 

[SMSgt]

Are you out on parole too?

 

[CH4]

Totally situational, but when someone says, ‘excuse me’, I occasionally reply, ‘it’s ok, I didn’t smell anything.’

 

[raljr1]

One can only guess how many regular appointments at the dentists were canceled after that movie came out. I've seen it once...once too often.

Getting back to the OP:

"Is the accident theory holding up?"

or

"It's done, you'd better have the money."

All of my dental work except for root canal has been done without Novocain or gas. My dentist even prepped a live tooth for a crown without novocain. My wife says it's because I'm dead from the neck up.

My favorite is when someone moves past me and then says, "I'm sorry." I usually ask, Why, what did you do?"

 

[Old 44 Guy]

My favorite answer is [ You stepped in what].

 

[jeffrefrig]

Have a good day.
I'll have any kinda day I want!
or
Now you're putting the pressure on me!

 

[Bekeart]

What do you want ?

What do you want ?


My Quick answer:
A rack of ribs and a pitcher of beer.

Clerk: We don't have that.

Me again: Yeah, but at least the man knows what he wants.

Bekeart

 

[Tom S.]

A friend once made the mistake of telling me I couldn't say anything that would embarrass him. This was in a crowded cafeteria at lunchtime. I can't repeat here what I proclaimed in a loud voice but he turned a shade of red seldom seen.

 

[Bekeart]

Think I heard this on Hee-Haw


Anything you say will be held against you.

DOLLY PARTON!

 

[wuluf]

I always enjoy Jimmy Stewart's character in the movie "Harvey." Everytime some one asks him may I help you? he replies: " what did you have in mind?"

Probably not a good response these days..

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk

 

[Skeet 028]

Went to a gun show with a friend one day...we got to the cash register to pay...I stepped up to pay and the lady asked me,if my friend and I were together? In my kinda Bruce accent I said Not anymore! He just wants to be friends! The gal taking the money just retorted back...we're not being judgmental . we walked into the show with him cussing me pretty harshly. Later we went to dinner with our wives...sitting there still fuming a bit he asked the ladies...do you know what this=*"\:;!" Scum sucking pig did to me today? Intending to get some commiseration...the only thing he got was a LOT of laughter from them

 

[soFlaNative]

After the transaction when asked "Will there be anything else?" I might say "A bag of $50's would be nice".