Let hear em....Good quick jokes.....im first!!!!
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reerc
Member
When a bug hits your windshield, what's the last thing to go through his mind?
His butt.
His butt.
A duck walks into a drug store and asks for a tube of Chapstick. The pharmacist says, “How you want to pay for this?”
The duck says, “Just put it on my bill.”
The duck says, “Just put it on my bill.”
hoppes-no9
Member
Did you hear about the new bar they opened on the moon?
Great drinks, but no atmosphere.
Great drinks, but no atmosphere.
hoppes-no9
Member
Hot young woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre.
So he gave it to her.
So he gave it to her.
hoppes-no9
Member
Two atoms walk into a bar. One says, "Hey, I think I lost an electron!". His buddy asks if he's sure. "Yeah, I'm positive".
ChinaSeaSailor
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, takes a seat and orders a drink.
As he is finishing the drink, the bartender asks him if he'd like another.
"I think not", says Descartes, and vanishes in a puff of logic.
As he is finishing the drink, the bartender asks him if he'd like another.
"I think not", says Descartes, and vanishes in a puff of logic.
firestrat
Member
Here's a corny one:
What did the snail riding the turtle say?
YEE-HAW!!!
What did the snail riding the turtle say?
YEE-HAW!!!
Tom M
Member
How about the Polynesian prostitute looking for a mandalay...
truckemup97
Member
Try finding someone who understands that joke on the Glock forum.
As for mine:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo it could be done.
UPS Airlines
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost need replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S:Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last -
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost need replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S:Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last -
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
7.62foryou
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog.
David LaPell
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Did you hear the new Somali pirate song?
"Yo ho, yo ho, it's the end of life for me."
What do you say to a Somali pirate?
"Somali want a cracker?"
"Yo ho, yo ho, it's the end of life for me."
What do you say to a Somali pirate?
"Somali want a cracker?"
Subject: how to decide who to marry (written by kids)
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
Ricky, age 10
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
Ricky, age 10
red14
US Veteran
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter, he ain't coming anyway.
It don't matter, he ain't coming anyway.
nicky4968
Member
When asked why the chicken crossed the road, the Russian aparatchik replied, "There never was a chicken in this photograph".
nicky4968
Member
George Berkeley died when his girlfriend wouldn't see him anymore.
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