soft loads
This is very contraversial. But as a retired EE, I of course had to explore the subject analytically and theoretically.
I keep reading that to soften the recoil, use a lighter bullet. This didn't make sense to me, and was inconsistent with my own experience. What really drove it home to me was when I bought a bunch (too many) of cheap A-Merc/IMI 105gr frangible, no lead, ammo in 40 S&W. After about 200 rounds of this stuff, through a Glock 22, I found that the first digit of my trigger finger had no feeling in it. It took about 5 weeks for the feeling to come back. That's when I started to look into the issue in earnest. I found that firing 180gr at 1000 fps was very comfortable to me through the same gun, but that the 105 stuff at 1600+ fps was what was hurting. Now I am 67 yrs old with arthritis and cant grip the gun as well as most of you guys. I'm sure that has something to do with my experience, as well.
Anyway, I went to work with what math and mechanics I could remember, and arrived at the following: The peak force applied to the gun, in reaction, is much higher for the lighter bullet going at the higher velocity than a heavier bullet going at the much lower velocity. This is in spite of the 180 having a higher power factor--equivalent to momentum. The result of this was a vicious hammering of my trigger finger by the lower part of the trigger guard as the barrel hopped.
I have quit firing the 105s in light guns, using nothing lighter than a 165 at 1060, which is very comfortable in the Glock 22. The 155 @ 1150 is not bad either.
Note that this analysis/observation is really only valid for a relatively light gun, like the OP has mentioned. I can fire the 105gr crap all day thru a 4006 without discomfort. Same for 357mag--I can fire full house (125 @ 1450)thru an N frame or Ruger GP100 4'', no problem, but a K frame is becoming unpleasant. The heavier 147 at mag velocities is more comfortable through the K frame. Unfortunately I have a generous stock of 125grain HP,LOL. So I mostly use the K frames for 38's.
With the aforementioned in mind, I humbly suggest for you to consider the previous poster's recommendation to try 158's, or the heaviest bullet you can get, loaded to similar power factors to the load you plan for her to use in SD situation. For the same power factor, the larger bullet takes much longer to get out of the barrel, and thus has a smaller force applied over this longer time to reach the same momentum (power factor). This translates to a more comfortable shoot, especially a weak (meaning not strong, not left) hand. Power factor is just mV, or momentum, expressed in strange units of milligrains-feet per second, to get the three digit PF. Some folks, I've noticed, don't divide by 1000, so you see something like 165,000 for power factor. I believe it is most commonly expressed as,e.g., 165, for a 165 grain bullet travelling at 1000 ft/sec.
I have the same problem with my 642. I cant practice it with a 110 or 125 full-up load. 147's are some better, but I bet the 158 would be the better way to go. I may even load it that way for SD, if I can find some good bullets.
dave
PS. I mentioned that this is a contraversial subject.