Mom to assisted living.

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LazyKB

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My mother will be 89 in Feb. She is in pretty good physical health, but she has dementia and short term memory is almost nonexistent. She lives 100 miles away and I am her only caregiver. She was always the dominate force in the family and it has been strange to watch the decision making gradually pass to me over the years. I have been going to "visit" every two weeks for the last several years. I do the grocery shopping, home repairs, coordinate the lawman, and the two sisters that sit with mom six hours every day. I also pay the bills and do the banking. It has always been a game to compare herself to her peers. Every visit I get a rehash of the obits and who is in nursing homes and assisted living. Whenever I would bring up assisted living she wouldn't hear of it. I promised I would keep her in her house as long as she can be safe, clean, and well nourished. As things degraded I arranged for the sisters to come sit with her about nine months ago. Boy was she pissed! "I don't need any help." "Yeah but mom I do, so I will know you are OK."

The last several months she has started asking if it would help me if she moved to an assisted living facility near me. When I reply Hell Yes when do you want to move she starts back peddling. That is until this week. I had gone down to take her for her regular dr. appointment. She asked the same question and when I gave the same answer she said I should look into it. I already have her on a waiting list. The doctor thinks the time is right since she has had a couple of falls while bending over for something. He seemed excited about it and even kissed her goodbye.

Now the ball is in my court. She may have forgotten the whole conversation by now but that doesn't change the situation. I know it is the right thing to do even if she has changed her mind. Strange but I find it is having an effect on me; moving her to assisted living and selling her home, the house where I have always come home to.

I know the right thing to do and I will make it happen. sometimes I find writing to be cathartic.
 
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The hardest period of my life was when I went through that with my widowed dad. I lived in California, he in Wisconsin. He had come down with Alzheimer's. Fortunately I had just retired. Dad lived 7 miles from the nearest store and had his drivers license revoked. He was stubborn and didnt want to sell out and live with me in california nor go to assisted living. I ended up going back and living with him for 6 months until I could convince him to go to assisted living. It was the most stressful and frustrating 6 months of my life outside of my divorce. It also was costly as things at my own house in california were falling apart, burglared, flying back and forth three or four times etc. Outside of cheating death a few times in my life when he finaly agreed to sell out and check out assisted living, that was the biggest relief I ever experienced.
 
My mother had dementia before she passed. I didn't live close so her daughter, (I don't call her my sister anymore after finding out what she did to our mother), supposedly took care of her. It's tough dealing with dementia. Only thing you need to do is keep an eye on the care givers. I've heard some horror stories about some but not all places. My wife says if she should get bed ridden keep en eye out for bed sores and keep an eye out for any kind of physical abuse. You will also need to know what your state allows for what the facility is going to take in payment, so maybe a lawyer might be in order. A friend of mine went in and they took his money in the bank plus his wife's and require her to pay for the extra care he had until his death. That is in MD. It's a hard decision but if she gets to a good facility they will have personal on duty 24-7 to help her. My mothers dementia was at the point that she didn't remember to go to the bathroom but remembered almost everything else. Good luck.
 
make sure you check out any assisted living places VERY THOROUGHLY.

look the places over personally and unannounced. check out all business with the better business bureau and local government controls...
 
My dad was 6 ft 5"s of bone and muscle most of his life. At 89 years old he would force his way out of the assisted living home, not sign out etc. While to the best of my knowledge he always was a gentleman the girls that worked there were afraid of him due to his size. Once he walked the 8 miles to our old home in a snow storm. Our old neighbor spotted him and drove him back. Every day he would walk over to his kid sisters house in town and sit. Somehow he thought aunt helen was his daughter, not sister.
When I went home and lived with him one morning we got in the car to make our morning mail run and I thought I dont remember parking the car quite like this yesterday. As we were driving to town pa said a fellow knocked on the door last night was broke down so I drove him to about here, looked over and he wasnt there so I came home. Up until then I had been patent trying to reason with him etc. Now I had to get more forceful. My uncle had been trying to get me to get him declared incompetent but I just couldn't do it. Its rough, but the lord stepped in just before I broke, I think.
 
The hardest thing I ever did was when I had to place my step-mother into assisted living. I probably waited longer than I should but it's very hard to take thier independence away from them. After another mini stroke and a fast downturn there was no other choice.
She adapted well though, a strange thing, she was a long time smoker and at the facility she has to ask for one of her cigarrettes and smoke outside. Within a few months she smoked less and less then stopped. She seemed to forget she was a smoker.
 
I had to put my Grandfather in a facility. It was tough deciding which one would be best for him. I started visiting the facilities available unannounced, and watched how the staff interacted with the patients. It was very enlightening, and I was able to make a decision pretty quickly by educating myself this way. When you go in unannounced you get to see almost everything, and how it works. You also may see some things that will cross a facility off your list real quick. In my case, I found a facility for my Grandfather that was exceptionally good to their patients. The food wasn't the best of the facilities, nor the overall cleanliness, but they treated their patients just like they were their own grandparents. When I left in the evenings I felt comfortable that my Grandfather would be "loved," not abused, or just put aside in a corner.

Best Wishes,
Tom
 
I went through the same thing with my mom almost six years ago. At age 95 and living in her own home, she was suffering from dementia. We had a lady "baby sitter" come in every day except Sunday to help her eat and look after personal cleanliness. My wife and I would bring dinner over to her every night and spend time with her. I had been managing her financial affairs for several years when I found out she was neglecting or misplacing her regular bills.

One afternoon after work I dropped in on her to find her on her bathroom floor. She could not get up and had not pressed her "panic button" that hung around her neck. I helped her up and decided that it was no longer right to leave her alone for any length of time - she needed round-the-clock care. My wife and I scouted for a place, and found a nice private home where the lady did a professional job of caring for five people, with a cook and a male assistant.

Mom had been resistant to moving into an assisted living situation, so I employed my best friend, who had known her since he and I were both kids, to come over and help me explain the situation to her. We had dinner with her one night, and she seemed to accept that this should be done. We set a date for the move.

On the day of the move I explained to her again what was going on, and started packing some of her needed things, including the TV set. She said "Why are you taking my TV?" It was apparent to me that she had forgotten that we had ever talked about this before. She said unequivocally that she was NOT going to leave her house.

I finally explained to her that she had given me power of attorney to make these decisions for her when I determined that she needed more assistance than my wife and I could give her, and that I was invoking that authority now. She looked resigned then, and asked me "What do you want me to do?" I told her that all she had to do was get in the car, and I would take her to her new home where she could get 24-hour care.

It was a struggle and it was hard on both her and me. Still, she finally got into the routine in her new environment. What had to be done had to be done. And in the process, I felt like a thousand-pound load had been taken off my shoulders - I would not worry that she would have an incident while no one would be there to help her. If it's for the best, it's for the best, and you should NOT feel guilty about the necessity in any way.

John
 
I think that is the worse thing that can be done to a human....

But, we have no other choices today.

Sorry it happened to you.
 
When you go through it you will find its the hardest thing you ever done and it takes courage that I didnt have. After trying to reason with dad for six months he finaly made the decision himself in a lucid minuet. It was the biggest relief of my life.
 
Years ago when I was single I bought LTC insurance. (Long term care). I didnt want to be a burden on my daughter. It costs me $666s a year. Would be far more now. Since I bought it I remarried and of course hope I never have to use it. But I still keep it up and never could afford to start it up again at todays prices. If you need to go to assisted living it will wipe out everything you own in short order unless you are super rich or die in a couple months. I always kid my wife everytime I forget something, ya better keep that LTC insurance up on me!
 
LazyKB, you are a good son. I agree on most all that has been said, and I have watched my folks deal with this with my grandmothers. Both of my parents lived at home when they passed on. Although the last years of my Mother were kind of like Paladin described, and had she lived much longer, she would have had to go to a nursing home.
I would like to say one thing. Don't jump to conclusions too fast.
My maternal grandmother had Alzheimer's. We had to put her in a nursing home. This was around 1975, and those places were not near as nice as most are now. One day while visiting, my Mother noticed some bruising on her Mother. She had suspicions, but for the time being, kept them to herself. When she began to leave, a couple of the staff, asked her if she would stay and help them bathe her. She said, of course. My grandmother was born in 1884, and had come from Georgia to Oklahoma in a covered wagon. She was a simple, hard, decent country woman, and she was senile. She wasn't interested in strangers taking her clothes off and giving her a bath. She fought them tooth and toenail. My Mother realized that those bruises came from nothing in the way of mistreatment or neglect. She came away with a much greater respect and trust of the staff after that.
Alzheimer's should be dealt with by professionals. In an elderly couple, and one has this terrible disease, it can easily kill the caregiver, before the patient.
If the day is coming, don't wait too late. If they are senile, they will never understand what has happened to them, or where they are, and the heartbreak will be unbearable for all.
 
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My folks lived alone in the country for many years, in fact were both born and raised on farms. At 80, Dad was still cutting and splitting firewood, tending garden, mowing, etc. At 85 he was dead from Parkinson's. He would not consider leaving his place and had probably hardly ever spent a night apart from Mom in the 57 years they had together. As his disease progressed into medication-induced hallucinations and his ability to physically care for himself diminished, we had to act. Mom's health was spiraling down from devoting so much energy into his care that she ended up with a mild stroke. I finally asked myself whether or not they could deal with an emergency at home, even if they could get out in case of fire, etc. Found them a nice assisted living facility. Dad never really adapted, but his disease had him pretty well doomed, and when he ultimately had to go to nursing care, away from his wife, he lasted only a couple weeks. Mom remains in AL and requires a wheelchair, but is quite happy with her apartment, is quite the socialite there, helps with the flower gardens, and keeps her mind sharp with all types of puzzles and "brain games". I'll always wonder if we had insisted on the AL arrangement earlier, if we would have saved her that stroke. Helplessly watching the deterioration of those we love the most has to be one of the toughest trials we are given.
 
When we moved from our horse ranch to a small town after I left a County Sheriffs Department to a small City Police Department. The city house was in a sub-division. The house next door had an older couple who turned out that the wife was on Kidney Dialysis and the husband was blind and had Diabetes. Their children lived in another state. After we became neighbors little by little we became "Care Givers". The wife went for Dialysis three times a week but the insurance paid for only two trips, so my wife took her the third time every week. The husband sat outside on the patio daily listening to life around him. We cooked extra food where we could take them hot food every day. They both died within a few days of each other. The next tenants of the house next door was again an older couple and both had Dementia. At first they would walk in the neighborhood holding hands. As we had for the first couple, little by little we be came their "Care Givers" also. As time went by they fought physical day and night. Finally the Sheriffs Department baker act him and their children put them both in a nursing home where they both passed. The next tenants of the same house was again an older couple. However they had children that lived locally and took very good care of them. Afterwards we moved to Tennessee and now after four years we are moving back to our same Florida home. There is a young couple living in the house next door now.
 
Road Rat said:
I think that is the worse thing that can be done to a human....
Click to expand...

I have to agree. My mom is 88, been in a "nursing home" for 6 years. Nothing working but her mind. Kept her at her home, paid out of pocket for 16 hour a day skilled care. Burned through all the "family money" (you know, the aggregate of the scrimping of half a dozen old world types' lifetimes) doing that and the first couple years at $6K/mo. As soon as you are broke you're eligible for Medicaid and they've been picking up the tab last couple years. The worst thing to be done to a human is to leave them without choices. Joe
 
Three years ago my mom was found in her bed where she had been for three days because she couldn't stand. She refused to call for help. It was then that my sister and I realized that assisted living was the only solution.

My mom didn't want to go, but it was clear that she couldn't care for herself. My sister lived about 180 miles away and I was 2,500 miles away. So, we moved her close to my sister.

I was shocked at the price. It cost over $6K/month for the place we moved her to. My sister visited daily. Mom had some problem that got worse and worse and she only lived in the facility for about 6 months.

Road Rat said:
I think that is the worse thing that can be done to a human....
Click to expand...
No, I don't agree. Worse is dying in your apartment because no one is there to help and you lie on the floor for days until you expire from starvation. We are wise to make some of these decisions for ourselves so our children don't have to make them for us.
 
This is, as everyone has said, a tough issue but, we either have or will face it sooner than later. The worse part is that our children will face it as well.

Find the best assisted living facility that you can and hopefully one with an alzheimer's unit. Make sure your mom's estate planning documents (will, living will, power of attorney, power of attorney for heathcare purposes) are in order BEFORE her memory goes.

The situation with the memory will not get better but, there is still quality of life left. Enjoy her while you can and prepare yourself for the day that she does not remember you, your name or any of her other children.

You are doing the right thing. I have walked this path, as has my wife, and all we can do is make sure that they are in a safe enviroment with visits as often as you can stand them.

Good luck and do not second guess yourself. I would also recommend that you read a book entitled "THE THIRTY SIX HOUR DAY". I believe it will assist anyone who is facing this situation.
 
Can't add anything

I can't add anything and I feel for all of you who have had to do this. I've been spared so far. We are trying to get my MIL to a retirement type home and my Dad is approaching 90, but is still intact.

My wife's family on the other hand has had to deal with extreme cases.
 
BTW, if you (any of you on this forum) do not have long term insurance coverage, get it and get it now! This saved my mother thousands of dollars. She was in assited living from 2003 until her demise in 2010.

The monthly costs that you have heard about this subject are not uncommon. My mother's monthly costs were in excess of $4,000.00 and depening on where you live and what is available, it could be much more.

Do the math; $4,000 per month =$48,000 per year x 7 years = $336,000.00. Please note that the referenced figures, used as an example, did not include yearly increases from the facility.

We buy ammo, powder, bullets, primers and all kinds of other "stuff" to be ready but, sometimes we forget the other "stuff".

Please note that I do not sell insurance and am not affliated with an insurance company. I do however, pay my fair share (and more) in premiums.
 
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