My favorite story from my cop days. Two naked little people and a parrot

[Biff_Biffington]

Friday is the last day of a really nice young lady that I work with. Dispite the challenges that face those who wear the badge in this current world, she has decided to follow a career in law enforcement. God bless her. Not sure i could do it again. I spent 19 years with another 5 in reserve before I decided to move on to the private sector. She often asks me for advice and stories. So here is my favorite, and proof you never know what you'll be walking into.
This story takes place in the summer of '92 IIRC. I was with the Riverside County CA Sheriff's Department at the time. We got a call to respond to a domestic disturbance at about 0100hrs. Apartment complex. Domestic calls suck. They are all over the map. Often when you show up- YOU become the target, and the complainants usually forget about what the issue is they called you for.

So, we arrive- three people are involved. A male and female who were little people, and another normal sized male. All are in a various state of undress- mostly nude. The normal sized male has a large contusion to his head and is in and out of awareness. The little couple, the male is panicked and agitated and is being consoled by his partner. We get all parties separated, take statements and call for rescue for the injured male.

What transpired- well the little people were a married couple, and the second male was a friend. They decided to have an adventurous night and after dinner- a 3-way. Apparently the second normal sized male was doing too good of a job, "taking care" of the wife- so her husband got mad hit him over the head with a wine bottle…

Ok, so all statements pretty much match up. My partner hooks up the husband. Remember when I said that domestics often go south for officers?. Well, the woman who was around 4' sees her husband getting cuffed- looses it. Now I was back then 6'1, and built like a greyhound... thought I was quick. But she puts her head down like a charging bull, bolts right between my knees to go after the Deputy arresting her husband. But she misses, and rams a birdcage with a parrot in it- which escapes and starts squawking and flying around the room in a panic.

After 30 minutes, six cops are involved, one guy on his way to the hospital, and a M/F couple who happen to be little people- one party going to jail and another to be medically checked and then jail. And one parrot recaptured.

All in a day's work in the land of fruits and nuts when you wear a badge

 

[BarryinIN]

My daughter is currently shopping for a bird. I sent that to her. Thanks.

I just got a reply. "Holy crap"

 

[jaydoc]

John Prine or Jimmy Buffett would have made a song out of this ha ha!

 

[Mostly Good]

Then the parrot said, "They were just having a little get together"

 

[CalifEd]

Did a repo on a home and the owners were in the wind.
The bedroom was a play room; swings, cuffs, and a few other adult things that can't be mentioned.
And a Scarlet Macaw. This one was about 30" of bad attitude.

Satan (our name for it) lived on a perch, in the room, and did not like strangers and started screeching its displeasure. Oh yea, it could fly and bit anything that got within range.
We had to call a bird specialist to corral the bird and then off to an avian specialist for a welfare check.
Then we had to house the red headed devil while we located the rightful owners.

These birds are very expensive and we made sure it was very well cared at a bird hospital.
We didn't want any law suit from the owners for damage to their property; it was California, land of fruits, nuts and lawyers.

 

[mtgianni]

I remember the radio traffic in the mid 80's when the call went out for an "Adultery in progress". No real 10 code for that. We were sophisticated enough to scramble it.

 

[Krogen]

Hilarious thread. I almost spewed my computer with morning coffee. It does take a special person to be a cop! You all have my respect!

 

[WR Moore]

Overheard on police radio from the unit that responded to a domestic disturbance in the 70's. "Need an ambulance at this address." Dispatch: "OK, how bad's the woman?" Reply: "It's the guy, she ran into the kitchen and was waiting behind the door with a (cast iron then) skillet."

 

[NYlakesider]

Overheard on police radio from the unit that responded to a domestic disturbance in the 70's. "Need an ambulance at this address." Dispatch: "OK, how bad's the woman?" Reply: "It's the guy, she ran into the kitchen and was waiting behind the door with a (cast iron then) skillet."

Those skillets can be bad news. Back in the early 1970s my (4' 9" 90# )SIL got into a serious argument with their bad tempered ST Bernard. She picked up a cast iron skillet and with one hard wack permanently terminated all hostilities!

 

[SS336]

I bet it was hard to be serious when you were laughing so hard.

 

[Biff_Biffington]

I bet it was hard to be serious when you were laughing so hard.

Actually after we got on our way it was more like "WTF was that?!"


The worst part was writing up the reports afterwards. Every little detail had to be noted professionally and checked in triplicate. After we got off shift I can tell you we made some comments....

 

[Doug M.]

Most ordinary folks have no idea what cops and firefighters experience on calls. Some of it is odd and funny like this. Some of it is utterly evil.

Taking some of these cases to court as a prosecutor can present difficulties in trying to maintain decorum while putting into evidence what happened. I did some prosecution of child physical and sexual abuse cases, and it is hard to explain to the decent people on a jury what really happened, in part because they would no more do or even consider such acts and to some extent have a hell of a time believing the evidence as a result.

I still remember a physical abuse case I prosecuted almost 15 years ago. The photos of injuries that were taken by and admitted through the head of the abuse/neglect team at a hospital in Seattle (and having such a team should tell you how common it was) were so awful that our paralegal froze up at the computer while showing the photos, and at least one juror simply could not look. The kid's burns were so bad that they could not sedate him enough for the removal of the scar tissue. Think about that. At sentencing, I put in evidence while seeking an exceptional sentence above the standard range. The inmates in court waiting for their cases were eye-(screwing) the defendant. I am pretty sure he got some really negative feedback when he got back to the jail.

 

[Eric300]

The only thing that story is missing is a donkey and a clown....

 

[CH4]

The only thing that story is missing is a donkey and a clown....

...and baby oil, whipped cream.

 

[Sebago Son]

"California, land of fruits, nuts and lawyers."...forgot the flakes.

Speaking of birds... I am reminded of the story of the night an illegal was caught crossing the border with a cockatiel smuggled in the front of his pants... ALTO! went the challenge.. Up went the hands.... now the bird was loose in his trousers and terrified. With a hell of a squawk, it latched onto whatever it could find handy to hang onto and would not let go no matter what... Later when asked if they got the bird off, the Senior looked over the top of his hornrims and said, "Did you really just ask me that?.."

 

[Faulkner]

I think statistics will support the assertion that domestic calls are the most dangerous calls to go on.

 

[SS336]

That they are.

 

[Biff_Biffington]

Most ordinary folks have no idea what cops and firefighters experience on calls. Some of it is odd and funny like this. Some of it is utterly evil.

Taking some of these cases to court as a prosecutor can present difficulties in trying to maintain decorum while putting into evidence what happened. I did some prosecution of child physical and sexual abuse cases, and it is hard to explain to the decent people on a jury what really happened, in part because they would no more do or even consider such acts and to some extent have a hell of a time believing the evidence as a result.

I still remember a physical abuse case I prosecuted almost 15 years ago. The photos of injuries that were taken by and admitted through the head of the abuse/neglect team at a hospital in Seattle (and having such a team should tell you how common it was) were so awful that our paralegal froze up at the computer while showing the photos, and at least one juror simply could not look. The kid's burns were so bad that they could not sedate him enough for the removal of the scar tissue. Think about that. At sentencing, I put in evidence while seeking an exceptional sentence above the standard range. The inmates in court waiting for their cases were eye-(screwing) the defendant. I am pretty sure he got some really negative feedback when he got back to the jail.

Agreed. In 24 years i saw plenty of things that still make me upset. I wanted to weep, react in rage or crawl into a bottle sometimes. This was one funny anecdote. For every funny one there are 3-4 others that weren't funny and frankly I don't want to think about anymore.

Crimes against kids bothered me the worst. On more than one occasion it took all my power NOT to do what I really wanted to do.

But you can't. I took the badge and oath seriously. Thankfully my faith in God and desire to live up to a code that was drilled into me by some very excellent elders in my life got me through it.

My first wife wasn't much help. Why it ended. She liked the idea of being married to a cop. But not the baggage. Thankfully with God's grace my second go around was, and she was and always will be my rock. I believe 100% having a supportive and understanding life partner is one key to success in being in any law enforcement job.

 

[Jimbo41]

But she misses, and rams a birdcage with a parrot in it

I admit that when I read this my first thought was "that's a new euphemism for the old family jewels." Never expected that you were being literal.

 

[Biff_Biffington]

I admit that when I read this my first thought was "that's a new euphemism for the old family jewels." Never expected that you were being literal.

Being I'm a full blooded German I'm quite literal. But have a sense of humor. Catch 22 i guess.

 

[MelvinWalker]

I was with the Riverside County CA Sheriff's Department at the time.

All in a day's work in the land of fruits and nuts when you wear a badge

I have a first cousin that retired as an investigator from Riverside County Sheriff's Department....His name is Greg Harrell...He would have worked there at that time.

 

[mtgianni]

Most ordinary folks have no idea what cops and firefighters experience on calls. Some of it is odd and funny like this. Some of it is utterly evil.

Add utility workers to that. As a gas serviceman, being told the furnace was downstairs, I had to step over the pentagram on the floor and go around the large copper kettle. At another home I walked past the candy apple red bed frame with multiple handcuffs hanging off it.
That ignores the sewage, senility, out and out crazy folks and having loose parrots land on my shoulder.

 

[Doug M.]

I worked in the face from which I retired twice; 2000-2007 (criminal division) and 2014 to this year (civil, mostly) ("Civil like a pet Hyena" was one description of our crew). When I started, the Prosecutor was ex officio coroner in counties under 40K until the county went over 40K in a census, after which the next election a coroner was elected. We all took turns at being on-call, which included criminal law questions (really awful for the hardcore civil folks; in WA the county Prosecutor does most of the criminal prosecutions and is also counsel for the county) and coroner call. We tended to call the pager the "Reaper Beeper.)

Some of the calls were just awful - little kids dying stupid ways, etc. Some were ... inane, like older folks had lived a good and full life. We even had a hospice call system for the truly terminal. (We had a guy on hospice who shot himself when it got too bad, and I got the call. When I got the fact that he was not a real hospice call, I became kinda cranky and the local PD had to call out extra officers on OT to process the scene. One of the officers lit a hospice nurse on fire; really reamed her for screwing this up, and I got blames for a while. (My reputation for bluntness was about the same as his, so I was a logical suspect.) Some of the stuff made us a little jaded, even ghoulish.

Our last day in this duty, we had a gathering with current and former lawyers and some cops. It was held in the Commissioners' meeting room, and one of the members of the Board came in for a few minutes. We were playing "Cause of Death Bingo" (my favorite was a guy run over by a road roller; it was just like a cartoon). After maybe 10 minutes the Commissioner started looking green at the gills and left. The reality of what we did and saw made gallows humor necessary, but we of course kept it away from outsiders.

I had to go to a death on the Interstate one night about 0130. It was a weekend and I was finally getting a good night's sleep, so being awaken had a negative impact on my ability to fake a cheerful pleasant demeanor. DUI fatality with a driver so hammered he had no idea where he was; just awful in terms of the underlying facts and the outcome. He kept acting the ass, like telling us he knew the prosecutor in the county in which he thought he was and telling us we were all in trouble and let us say that the WSP Sgt. was taken aback by the very blunt reminder that I was also a cop elsewhere. (Are you threatening us? Do you want another felony? How about you shut up and have a seat in that squad car?)

Consistent: When I had my bypass in 2022, a detective (the sex offender tracker) asked if the docs could put in a soul while they had my chest cracked. I got a good chuckle out of that. (Our civil office was in the SO's building, which was handy as I was Sheriff's counsel and we could just meet in the hall and chat.)

 

[Legendarylawman]

Naked people was always a bad call. Dead naked people was always worse.

LOL

 

[YeshuaIsa53]

I wanted to weep, react in rage or crawl into a bottle sometimes.

As have some folk in the wrong place at the wrong time.