Off the Cuff Remarks at EXACTLY the Right Moment

[RobertJ.]

It seems like whenever there's a funny remark to be made, I come up with it about five minutes too late. Once the moment has passed, it's gone, and the remark I would have made is soon forgotten.

Once in a while, though, I have the right thing to say at exactly the right moment.

I lived in a remote part of Oregon in the late 80's, and my first wife and I ran the small restaurant and bar in the center of town. Well, one day, it was the middle of the afternoon and business was pretty slow, an older Native American gentleman came through the door. He looked around, and asked, "Do you serve Indians?" With no hesitation at all, I told him, "Well, they're not on the menu, but I run a special now and then".

It cracked him up! He stayed and had lunch, and visited with us for over an hour. He had some pretty good stories, and told a story about getting treed by two bears. He had me going until the part of the story where one of the bears left, and came back with a beaver!

So, anyone else have any memorable remarks that were made at exactly the right moment?

 

[Muss Muggins]

Walked up to the counter at McD's which had the assemble your own drink stations, and ordered a large drink. The nice person behind the counter asked "For here or to go?" I asked "Does it come in a different cup?"

 

[Dennis The B]

After seeing my doctor a couple of weeks ago, he recommended that I get an abdominal ultrasound. I'm a former smoker (quit in 1978), but since I smoked for about 16 years, he thought it prudent. My brother died from an anterior aortic aneurysm in 2006.

The ultrasound was evidently not eventful, since the technician said I should discuss results with my physician at my next appointment (July).

This past Friday, I was in the doctor's waiting room for my wife. The doctor asked how the ultrasound went.

Not missing a beat, I replied, "It's a boy, and he's left handed."

Just as quick, the doctor replied, "I'll book you for the OB/GYN"."

 

[galena]

My ex and I used to entertain quite a bit when we had a house on a nearby lake, mostly for relatives and a few close friends. Needless to say there were a lot of alcoholic beverages in attendance. As the festivities wore on many times there were partially empty beer cans around when people finally left. The wife picked them up and tidied up the house the first thing when she got up the next morning. She had a lot of house plants and somewhere heard that beer was good for house plants. One morning she poured a partial can of beer on a plant just as our college aged Son walked into the room. He looked at his Mom and said, "Mom, you're supposed to talk to your plants, not drink with them." I nearly chocked to death on my coffee. Da--' I miss that gal.

 

[Muss Muggins]

Just remembered this one. It was a group effort . . .

My then late 60's father was going in for a fairly significant multiple bypass and valve replacement about ten years ago. My brother and I were there to help our mother along. Dad had finished checking in, and was sitting in a wheelchair with us in the surgery waiting room with a bag of his medication in his lap. A very attractive young nurse came out and said:

"We're ready to take you back. Did you take all of your medicine this morning?"

Dad:

"Everything but the Cialis. Let me know . . . "

Me:

"Don't. They may have to roll you over during the operation . . ."

Nurse:

"Let's go . . . "

 

[SW MP15]

Quick wit and humor are what gets me through the day, most days. My wife says I'm just a smart eleck! Well not quite the phrase she uses, but you understand?

I find and see humor in most all situations! I'd much rather laugh than cry. Even if you don't say it at the proper time, you still know it's funny!

So keep thinking funny stuff, even if it's too late. And just pull the trigger alittle faster. Pun intended!

 

[SC_Mike]

I sat on a three day Federal Jury case a while back involving counterfeit Cialis and Viagra and ended up as the jury foreman. After we reached a unanimous verdict I said to the other eleven, "Well, at least we don't have a hung jury".

I'm pretty sure they heard us laughing in the courtroom.

 

[jimbo728]

My Dad knew he was dying. I persuaded him with not much resistance to head to Phoenix for a last visit with my brother and his kids.
We get on the plane, seated in a 3 seat row and Dad strikes up a conversation with the stranger sitting beside him.
The fellow says to my Dad as we depart Manchester NH, "Are you from Manchester?"
Dad: Yes
Fellow: Have you lived there all of your life?"
Dad: Not YET!
What a guy!
Jim

 

[Duke44]

When I was a teenager in youth group a few of us were standing around talking about one of the guys who was prematurely balding.

A girl who thought she knew everything said, "It's in his genes."

I said, "It's on his head too."

 

[snuffy51]

If anyone "salutes" you with one finger, just smile and ask "Is that your toothbrush or IQ".

 

[Kinman]

A couple of years ago I had a female doctor. She was a great sport and was used to taking a ribbing from guys due to the fact that she worked out of a place where company physicals were issued. I continued to have her as my personal doctor and credit her with discovering my prostate cancer while giving me her yearly handshake. One year she was giving me the usual hernia inspection and then was giving me a little more attention than usual in my sack area, she then asked in a very professional manner "Do you check yourself for testical cancer regularly?" I said "No" She then said "You should, do you know what it feels like?" She was still checking me out and I told her "I'm sure it don't feel anything like this." She gave me a dirty look and finished her discussion about ball cancer talking about the bike rider that won all the medals. I miss her....

 

[sheepdawg]

In 2005 my wife, brother in law, sister in law and I went to Wrigley Field in Chicago to watch the Cubs play Toronto. We are Cardinals fans so we were dressed in our Cardinals finest, not a very popular option with the Cubs fans. By about the seventh inning the Cubs fans aided by numerous cups of "Wrigley Water" started getting a little surly. Well the Cubs lost, don't they always, and on the way out one of the drunk Cubs fans got in my face and yelled, "Boy them Red Sox sure kicked the Cardinal's ***** in the World Series last year." I asked him where he had heard of the World Series.

His buddy cracked up, my wife couldn't get me out of there fast enough.

 

[30-30remchester]

I walked into my dads office and he was having a heated phone conversation with a female IRS agent, he had no fear of them people. After a few minutes he said to her that they were not going to agree on this issue so he asked her one favor. He then asked if she ever became a mother, could he have one of the puppies. Think about that. And yes he was audited soon after.

I filled up my cars tank in a remote mountain location that did not require pre payment. I went inside got a coffee and went to the register to pay. The elderly female clerk asked if I had gas. I said no not yet but I was sure the green chili burrito I had for lunch should be sounding off soon.

 

[zonker5]

In my mis-spent youth a friend and I were having a midnight meal at a small cafe. My friend started to chat up the waitress, a nice young lady much younger than us.

She finally told him "You old goat, you should be ashamed of yourself, you're old enough to be my Father.".

Without missing a beat he replied "Interesting thought...what was your Mothers maiden name?".

 

[Chuck24]

As a teenager working at the local fast food burger spot a man came in and asked for his burger medium rare. I must have looked puzzled, because he said, you know, pink in the middle. I said dude these burgers got no middle, just two sides.

 

[Gulfecho]

A long time ago I worked in an auto parts shop. We excepted personal checks as long as the customer had ID and a credit card. When I asked a patron if he had said credentials he became belligerent. Stating "do you know how much money I have? Do you know what kind of car I drive...etc." To which I replied "if you're so rich how come your changing your own oil!"

 

[Goldstar225]

Sometimes a quick wit doesn't serve you well. One of my "witty" remarks landed me in the hot seat once. Even my Chief thought it was funny, still gave me a three day suspension though.....

 

[LVSteve]

Back in the UK one member of my social clan was a madcap Scorpions fan. Me, not quite so much. The juke box in our pub was playing some number of theirs which had a sort of reggae beat.

One of the guys says, "Wow, just goes to show that Matthias Jabs can't play reggae".

.... and like greased lightning I added, "Either".

The Scorpions fan was not amused.

 

[brucev]

Shooting pool in the game room at college. Leaned over to reach a shot. Girl running the counter asked, "What happened to your butt." I never even looked at her. I just made the shot as I replied, "Same thing happened to your chest." I heard a scream. She missed with the cue stick. Everyone in the room roared. It was a nice morning. Happened about Winter of 1976. Nowadays... wouldn't even consider making such a remark. I'd probably get in trouble for such a reply.

 

[ditrina]

Went for colonoscopy..Nurse walked in asked the usual questions..

Name.. Birthday.. did you take any medications today..??

Then asked do you know what your here for? ( seemed kinda obvious to me.. but I'll play)

Answered " Yeah i'm getting a wisdom tooth pulled"

Without missing a beat she answered

BOY ARE YOU GOING TO BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU WAKE UP!!

 

[Philadelphia Patriot]

I make remarks throughout the day, every day. When people laugh at work, it makes work go by faster. I also love seeing my girlfriend's reactions to some of the stuff I say.

I'm basically the real life version of these guys...

 

[RobertJ.]

Sometimes a quick wit doesn't serve you well. One of my "witty" remarks landed me in the hot seat once. Even my Chief thought it was funny, still gave me a three day suspension though.....

I can remember one that got me into trouble with my boss, no suspension, but he wasn't pleased. This is a family forum, so I won't repeat that one! My wife thought it was funny, though.

Wow, some of these made me laugh out loud!

 

[Double-O-Dave]

Several years ago, I had to attend a training class located in Jackson Hole, WY. I flew into the small airport there, and the hotel staff sent a driver in a large 4 door truck equipped with 4 wheel drive. As it was January, the snow was deep, and a big truck with 4 wheel drive made perfect sense. Besides the driver, I was the only male on board along with 4 or 5 lady passengers.

The ladies were all talking about how big the truck was, and one of the ladies then said "I think it was in my Introductory Psychology class that we learned that a big car or truck was the way a man compensated for not having a big enough, well, you know what." The ladies were all agreeing with their colleague, and the driver was sitting behind the wheel turning red in the face.

When there was a lull in the conversation, I said: "Ladies, I'll have y'all know that I drive a Scion...xA...which is a subcompact car". All of the ladies started laughing and saying they were going to make sure they knew what room I was going to be staying in. The driver never said a word, but gave me a big grin and a thumbs up. It doesn't happen all of the time, but I have my moments.

Regards,

Dave

 

[timn8er]

Some years back I did an extended stay in Cardiac Intensive Care, & then I was moved to the rehabilitation section of the hospital. The therapists were the ones that I really credit for getting me back on my feet, ambulatory & able to function. I would be alone when I got out of the hospital, so I needed to be able to cope. When I was more mobile, they would spend a lot of time observing me doing day to day things & suggesting ways to make it easier. As my release grew near, I took lots of cell phone pics of all the people that had been so helpful to me. One pic, of four of the female therapists, made me smile after I took it. One of the therapists asked me "What's so funny?" I replied "I just realized I'm going to be able to show this pic to people & honestly be able to say I took a shower with every woman in this pic!"

 

[STCM(SW)]

My last colonoscopy I'm on the examining table and can see the computer screen with all the information to be filled out.
The nurse is having problems filling it out.
Question #3 was "SEX"
I said "I know the answer to #3"
She said "So do I!"
I said " You been talking to my wife or my girl friend?"
She didn't laugh....

 

[Tony C.]

Wife and I were visiting her side of family, sister in law asked if I would like a cup of coffee, I'd love to I said, she then asked "How do you take your coffee?"
"Orally, is there any other way?" I replied
Got a dirty look from the wife.

 

[swsig]

My high school geometry teacher asked me if I would define "coincide".
I responded, "That's what I do when it starts to rain."
BaDumTish

My biggest failure to come up with something clever to say was in a crowded bar about 1969. It was so packed, that a kind of gridlock occurred, and I found myself wedged face-to-face with a young woman. Knowing I'd have to make an impression in a hurry, my mind raced through all kinds of things to say, all of which I rejected as trite, such as, "Come here often?", "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?", etc. The gridlock cleared and we went our separate ways. But I'll always wonder what might have happened had I come up with something really clever, because the young woman I was wedged against was Janis Joplin.

 

[cmort666]

Not too long after Columbine, a friend and I stopped at Starbucks on the way home from a 600 yard rifle range.

As usual, when it's not 10 degrees f out, I was wearing an NRA ballcap.

The slacker behind the counter said to me, "Boy it takes a lot of guts to wear a hat like that these days!"

I replied, "Why? Who's going to make me take it off?"

 

[BearBio]

When I was in Cali, I would get assignments to help the Federal LEO's on Endangered Species violations, as a sorta CSI. Sometimes, if the violation was inadvertent or appeared accidental, I would handle the case myself and make a recommendation to LE.

One case involved someone who cut a new access road and destroyed a bunch of ES habitat. As usual, I was in uniform and had another biologist with me, for training and as a witness. The rancher/farmer was there with a buddy, each packing a sidearm and rifles in their truck. As Biologists, we weren't authorized to carry and didn't even have bear spray. Well, our discussion didn't start out very well as they copped attitudes (I tried to make these as painless as possible, as I have family who farm, but an attitude will get my back up). As I was sitting on the ground making a sketch of the damages with estimated measurements (acreages of habitat destroyed), his buddy sarcastically commented "You don't have to make a Federal case outta this!" Without thinking or looking up, I responded with "Actually, Sir, it IS a Federal case with a $250,000 fine and 2 years in a Federal pen!".

That cooled their attitude somewhat. We then had a civil discussion and I made on-site recommendations for restoration and told them they'd have to pay a penalty into a conservation fund but I would not recommend prosecution to LE.

I didn't think anything of my comment but my desk was right next to the LE Office (between it and BIA==figured one or the other would get bombed sooner or later.) Brian, the other Bio told the story to LE and it became an urban legend at the office.

 

[redlevel]

I started teaching High School in the mid-late '80s, just when the AIDS scare was hitting its peak. There would be some very graphic presentations by medical personnel. The first year, there would be an assembly, with most of the students and teachers in attendance. Later, there were presentations in individual classrooms, again with very graphic slides and descriptions, including methods of transmitting the virus.

It seems that teenage girls take great pleasure in embarrassing middle-aged men. (I was in my late 30s at the time.)

After a particularly graphic presentation by a (female) nurse, after the nurse left the room, one 16 year-old girl, with a smirk on her face, asked, "Mr. Harris, just exactly what is oral sex?"

Without missing a beat, I answered, "That's when you just talk about it instead of really doing it. Now get your books and open them to page 150."

The rest of the class howled.