Off the Cuff Remarks at EXACTLY the Right Moment

[Ed Fowler]

Got lucky shooting craps one night and won 3 high ticket diamond rings, each exactly the same. Long story - but three different girls ended up with one of them.

I got busted up in a wreck and it was surgery time. I told my roommate not to tell anyone where I was!!

When they wheeled me from recovery to my room one of the girls was waiting for me. I was not too pleased, but figured it was OK until #2 showed up, then here came the third. They were being kind of civil with small talk as females do and pretty soon the temperature started dropping in the room. Each was kind of curious why the others were there and the fact that the rings were all from the same batch was obvious. I figured it was beyond logical explanation in my condition still I was able to come up with the perfect solution!! Absolutely brilliant!

I fell asleep!

When I woke up only one girl was still there, she did not have a jealous bone in her body and loved me unconditionally. We were together for a long time. I reformed and was always honest with her.

One ring ended up in Sloan's Lake, one in the hedge out side of the Sigma Nu house Jenny kept hers!!

Sometimes problems (opportunities) have a way of finding their own solutions.

 

[Marshwheeling]

I have come up with a lot of good lines. Most of them begin: "What I shoulda said was...".

One time, though, I picked up a telemarketing call. I was living with my girlfriend, and the phone was in her name.

"Hello."

"Mr. Vener?"

"That's close enough."

"How do you pronounce it, sir?"

"Jones."

 

[Double-O-Dave]

If you're a guy, once you turn 50 yrs. of age your doctor will usually tell you it would be a good idea for him or her to perform a (rectal) prostate exam to try and catch the signs of an enlarged prostate gland. I don't know of anyone on either end of the exam that really likes doing, or receiving same, and it's always results in some embarrassment to both parties.

Luckily, I've known my doctor for some time, and he knows I'm a retired nurse. On my most recent annual visit, the doctor said it was time for another prostate exam, so I dropped my pants and underwear and leaned over the exam table. After he finished the exam he placed a box of tissues in front of me and said "You'll want these to clean up with". I waited a moment and then said "Oh...must I?" Deathly silence in the room for a moment, and then both of us died laughing. He told me I had him going for half a second, and that I gave him the best laugh he had experienced in quite a while.

Regards,

Dave

 

[75Vette]

My one size fits all is, "That's what she said". Works every time!!

 

[the ringo kid]

Sometimes a quick wit doesn't serve you well. One of my "witty" remarks landed me in the hot seat once. Even my Chief thought it was funny, still gave me a three day suspension though.....

I had a similar situation. I forget what my sergeant had said and I've forgotten my reply but, it caused everyone to laugh, me to his office and I had a negative comment added in my contact log. Hell, it was worth it too. I didn't get a three day vacation either.

 

[Muss Muggins]

My one size fits all is, "That's what she said". Works every time!!

One size fits all - that's what she said - I see what you did there . . .

 

[redlevel]

I often go to the convenience store near the shop where I work to get coffee for me and the young lady I work with. One day last week I asked her how she wanted her coffee. She said, "Just do whatever you did last time. That was great!"

"Yeah, I used to have a girlfriend who said that a lot."

 

[the ringo kid]

Several years ago, I had to attend a training class located in Jackson Hole, WY. I flew into the small airport there, and the hotel staff sent a driver in a large 4 door truck equipped with 4 wheel drive. As it was January, the snow was deep, and a big truck with 4 wheel drive made perfect sense. Besides the driver, I was the only male on board along with 4 or 5 lady passengers.

The ladies were all talking about how big the truck was, and one of the ladies then said "I think it was in my Introductory Psychology class that we learned that a big car or truck was the way a man compensated for not having a big enough, well, you know what." The ladies were all agreeing with their colleague, and the driver was sitting behind the wheel turning red in the face.

When there was a lull in the conversation, I said: "Ladies, I'll have y'all know that I drive a Scion...xA...which is a subcompact car". All of the ladies started laughing and saying they were going to make sure they knew what room I was going to be staying in. The driver never said a word, but gave me a big grin and a thumbs up. It doesn't happen all of the time, but I have my moments.

Regards,

Dave

I was making a reple on an anti-gun site one time when a lefty made a snarky comment about men compensating for their deficiencies by greeting guns. I forget my actual reply but, I said something to the tune of: ''Even my smallest gun is bigger than their ........... fill in the blank.......'' to which I got kicked off their site.

 

[redlevel]

Sometimes a quick wit doesn't serve you well......

At the school where I worked for 24 years, the secretary answered the phone, "Taylor County High School. How may I help you?" If a teacher happened to answer, he/she was expected to maintain the proper decorum.

One day, after hours, the phone happened to ring while I was alone in the office. On a whim, I answered: "Schoolhouse. Whut kin I do fo you'uns?"

It was the County School Superintendent.

 

[walkinghorse]

If anyone "salutes" you with one finger, just smile and ask "Is that your toothbrush or IQ".

Another is to extend just your little finger..........When you don't care enough to send the very best!

 

[tmn1ahntoo]

I asked a team member a question, and another team member answered for her. Without missing a beat I asked the second team member how she got her dummy to speak without having her hand up her back side. It did get a little chuckle.

 

[SC_Mike]

That reminds me of another one...

Long ago when I was single and living alone, I went out for a beer or twelve one Friday or Saturday night, late... About 8 am the phone rang and a middle aged sounding woman asked, "is Katherine there?". I turned to no one and said, "is your name Katherine?" loudly so it could be heard on the phone, then turned back and said, "nope, no Katherine here". Click.

 

[Trout]

My good friend is a pharmacist, without a lot of tolerance for the stupid and the incompetent.

As he was waiting on a customer, she could see the back of his head from the video camera and monitor that watched over the pharmacy customer service area. She looked at the monitor, laughed, and said "you're going bald!" Without even looking up from his work, he said "I'm surprised you can even see that through those Coke bottle glasses."

 

[Ed Fowler]

After DB Cooper made hijacking airlines kind of popular Folks suspected everyone of being a hijacker. Just the mention if "Hi Jack" to a friend named Jack could cause you trouble. Absolutely not a time to kid or act goofy.

I was working at quitting smoking, fully committed but still a pack of cigarettes just in case of some kind of nicotine fit. In those days airlines had smoking and non smoking areas. The gal putting out tickets asked me "Will you be smoking on this flight?"

I replied "I certainly hope not!" meaning I was fighting an urge to quit smoking. Her face went white, she did not know what I meant. Conversation around us stopped, evidently others wondered. While the cops moved in I held up my pack of smokes and said I am trying to quit! Still one had changed their attitude, I faked a dramatic sobb - sniff and said "It is so hard!" She laughed and so did others, I was very relieved!

 

[xray97]

I attended a "swearing in" ceremony for about 7 new deputies. Because this was a significant number added, at one time, to our medium size S.O. all the brass were in attendance. After the actual oath administration the sheriff made a small speech welcoming the new hires to our S.O. family.
I raised my hand and the sheriff acknowledged me. I said I'd like to give the new deputies some information it took me years to discover.
I said as the sheriff told them we were "very much like a family. The sheriff is much like a father, chief X and Y, are very much like big brothers, and chief Z...well he's a real mother."
I was kind of known for smart *** remarks so everyone had a good laugh and chief Z just shook his head.