Puns
I know that around the holidays we some times get stressed out and need a good laugh.
I thought these were good (and clean) and would share them with you folks.
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I
amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a
family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out
that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I know that around the holidays we some times get stressed out and need a good laugh.
I thought these were good (and clean) and would share them with you folks.
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I
amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a
family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out
that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.
