Real serious question, need real advice.

[Backon4]

I have been getting the feeling lately that the wool has been pulled over my eyes for quite some time. The last few weeks my wife has been in contact with an old flame, someone from our past that I thought was long gone. Well the last few weeks she has been going behind my back to try to make plans to take my oldest son to see him in a MMA fight. He has no interest in MMA but she keeps making a big deal out taking him without me. I had doubts he was mine when I found out she was pregnant but she convinced me there was no chance of him being someone elses. So now I keep getting this feeling maybe he isn't. Do I go ahead and spring for a DNA test, and while I'm at it do I test my 2 year old son as well? Part of me really wants to know once and for all but part of me also knows that if he isn't mine it would devistate everyone in our families. I just need some real advice from some impartial people and hope someone has some good advice.
Thanks

 

[bitstream]

Best wishes and prayers how ever this works out.

 

[dacoontz]

Backon, damn that is a tough spot to be in. None of which you should take any blame for, in my opinion. I guess the things to consider by what you decide is how is this going to effect all involved long term, including yourself. If you discover nothing then it will create some serious trust issues in your relationship. If you do find something then it creates some serious trust issues. And these days it is tough enough if partners don't have a strong trusting relationship. And the effects this could have on your child are probably the most crucial. Being a sperm donor doesn't mean being a father and it sounds as if you have willingly taken on that responsibility and would you have if you knew he wasn't your son?

The fact that your asking these questions already demonstrates some potential issues in your current relationship but I think you should consider things as if these questions weren't being brought up and how would the relationship with her and your son be then. But if you must find out and are interested in preserving your relationship then I would simply have your self and have your son tested, as quietly as you can, and see if you match up. I think if you love your partner though then you have an open discussion about it and be willing to work through it, if the relationship has that much value to you. People make mistakes and forgiveness can be earned. You know, people do the darndest things when put in certain situations and sometimes they do whatever they can to survive and take care of the children. I can't say that I would blame a mother for wanting to give her child the best situation to grow up in and obviosuly she thought that would be with you as his father and that's sayings something. Good luck and I hope all turns out well with you and yours.

 

[beach elvis]

I believe you and your boy can be tested for a DNA match without the mother's knowledge. That would at least spare any tension between you two adults until the matter is settled. What does your gut tell you?

 

[BarbC]

Your child is your child. He loves you no matter what. Do the same for him. He is innocent and this is his home and his family.

 

[long colt frazier]

. What does your gut tell you?

Elvis I think he has already answered that.

 

[Bekeart]

You have doubts about possible unfaithfulness.
You have doubts about fatherhood of the children.

Genetic testings will only answer one question.

Have you decided what you will do after getting DNA test results.
You need to decide on your response to either test result.

I think that legal advice should be gotten prior to any testing.

I am not a lawyer, but I know when to go to one.

Bekeart

 

[feralmerril]

You do have trouble with your wife. You dont with your sons. I went through a bad divorice myself. I could have well questioned the same with my kid. I never did. She is my daughter. Do not go through hell over this. End it! I got the shirt. All that is easily said. You will be in years of bondage of overtime to pay for her sins. The fastest best partial cure is find another woman. The real cure is time. You might go for cousiling and all sorts of other advice. None of it will be as good as time. It will end, but it takes time. I will remember you in prayer.

 

[Chili Vega]

Your child is your child. He loves you no matter what. Do the same for him. He is innocent and this is his home and his family.

Amen to that. I am currently raising a child that has no blood connection to me. I did not ask for the situation but the good Lord saw fit to put me here. He is my child now and God help anyone who says different. This is my attitude in my situation which I admit is slightly different than the scenario you describe.

 

[Big Cholla]

I think before the DNA tests you should get your wife to serious counseling. She seems to have issues that you don't know where she is coming from or where she is going. Best find out sooner than later. .... Big Cholla

 

[NFrameFred]

I really don't give advice to people I don't know in such situations.

Personally, all I can say is that I would have saved myself a lot of grief over the years had I trusted my instincts more about similar situations.

 

[P&R Fan]

I don't know anything about DNA testing, but I'm sure it would not be a real difficult process once you found someone who does it.
Mt first concern, however, is what you addressed in the first part of your post, the old flame. You already know she's going to see him, and she doesn't want you there. That would be a huge red flag to me. As a Private Investigator I have investigated more of these types of cases than I can count. I deal with my clients on a personal basis and have literally spent thousands of hours just talking to them. I see the pain they are going through. When they call me, they usually already know the answer, but they just want it confirmed. It is a life-altering event, but it's important to get the facts. You need to get the facts, both on the DNA issue and about the status of your Wife and her old flame. But I will give you one more piece of advice I always give my clients in our initial meeting. Talk to an attorney now. If your suspicions turn out to be correct, you need to be prepared ahead of time and know all your options. You don't want to have this information dropped on you and then, in your stressful state have to make these important decisions.
I wish you all the best and hope everything turns out well for you.

 

[Grayfox]

Yes, talk to an attorney first.
Sorry to say it, but it sounds like you're headed for a divorce no matter how it comes out. Once trust comes into question, it's all down hill from there.

 

[bk43]

Forget the DNA crap. Never let kids become pawns in a fight between spouses. When that happens everybody loses.

What you do, or don't do, regarding your wife is between you and your wife but I sure wouldn't recommend escalating things until I was drop dead sure there's a real problem there.

Bob

 

[venomballistics]

You do have trouble with your wife. You dont with your sons. I went through a bad divorice myself. I could have well questioned the same with my kid. I never did. She is my daughter. Do not go through hell over this. End it! I got the shirt. All that is easily said. You will be in years of bondage of overtime to pay for her sins. The fastest best partial cure is find another woman. The real cure is time. You might go for cousiling and all sorts of other advice. None of it will be as good as time. It will end, but it takes time. I will remember you in prayer.

Great opening statement.

so ... ya get the DNA results ... yours or other .. what does it change?
it honestly does not matter either way, because right now son, you are living under the weight of suspicion, and distrust of your wife.
save the money on the test and just focus on that.
you cant set her straight ... if you could you'd have done it by now.
Your faced with one of your less victorious moments. While its easy to make the kids pay for the sins of thier parents. its not right to do so, and should be avoided, which is all the DNA testing will really do ... pass the bill to the kid.
your marriage will likely dissolve and there are no saints in such things. your going to be an alpha hotel on the backside of it, but do not try to maximize this dishonor by making your kids hate you too

 

[JcMack]

If you can prove infidelity, get a divorce, your marriage will never recover. Then after the divorce, prove paternity. Do it while kids are young and understand less.

 

[Backon4]

I appreciate all the comments and advice, one thing is for certain if I did the test and it came back they weren't mine I don't think I would ever tell anyone other than my wife. These kids are mine regardless. I love them no matter what. For that reason I am not sure I really want to know. As for the situation with the wife, We have been together a long time and I'd like to find a way to get through this but I am afraid that without some real guidance and a lot of prayer I don't think we will make it. I was raised to believe you marry someone and you stay together forever. My grandfather gave me lots of good advice when he was still alive. Now I feel like I have no one to talk to about serious matters. Thanks for the advice and I will keep praying about what to do.

 

[feralmerril]

Statistics tell us over half of us have already went through it, or will. I am NOT a big beliver in couseling as far as "saveing" the marrage goes. That is assumeing she did cheat, and you are sure of it. You mentioned a "old flame". Was that before or after you got together? If after, that is saying you already been through it and had tried to forgive her. If it was before you, it dont change anything anyway. Was just curious.
You do need to solve any question of cheating in your own mind 100%. If so, you need damage control to protect yourself. Everything I am writeing is assumeing you are the innocent wronged party here, and assumeing it is all one sided. I/we here dont really know that one way or the other.
In my single days on at least two occasions I dated fine ladys that had kids and wanted to marry me, but I wasnt up to takeing them on. I quit the affairs because of that, right or wrong. (If I wasnt up to raiseing their kids I had no business in dateing them to start with, but I did.) I did get married again and my wife has kids, but they were grown and out on their own.
I suppose laws are different from state to state. My divorice was in california. The fact is, unless you are very ritch, the courts in that state at that time didnt care who done what to who. It was all about money. My lawyer litteraly had to pinch my ear to get that through to me!
Now one side thought here. This may be for other readers. Why is it that some of us would be so quick to find out if the kid/kids are really ours or not? I must assume it would be to hopefully get out of child support if it comes to divorice. Surprise! Most times it wont really get you out. Especialy, if the woman wont crack and rat off the blood father. I never heard of one that would in those circumstances. Someone is going to support that kid, and odds are big it`s you! Yet many do marry another woman with kids and take them on. Maybe the same guy that would go the DNA route with the first wife?
My ex wife cheated on me. Seemed I was the last to know. At the time I was in love with her and would have trusted her with my soul. It tore me a new one. I wasnt worth shooting for a few years. In between fights she totaly admitted her new affair had nothing to do with me.
Where I went wrong was I initaly tried to save the marrage. That just made me more miserable. If this is as it sounds, end it now, protect yourself the best you can, and leave the kids out of it and move on! Yup, far easier said than done, but work with that in mind the best you can.

 

[buckeyeshooter1]

I appreciate all the comments and advice, one thing is for certain if I did the test and it came back they weren't mine I don't think I would ever tell anyone other than my wife. These kids are mine regardless. I love them no matter what. For that reason I am not sure I really want to know. As for the situation with the wife, We have been together a long time and I'd like to find a way to get through this but I am afraid that without some real guidance and a lot of prayer I don't think we will make it. I was raised to believe you marry someone and you stay together forever. My grandfather gave me lots of good advice when he was still alive. Now I feel like I have no one to talk to about serious matters. Thanks for the advice and I will keep praying about what to do.

The reason to do the DNA test is to proctect yourself in the event that they are NOT your children and you end up in a divorce from an unfaithful woman who now wants child support to raise the other guys children. In my opinion, have the testing done. The results may proctect you in the event things go south, which it sounds like they are going quickly.

For me, when trust is gone-- so is the relationship.

 

[feralmerril]

Buckeye, in the real world it doesnt work that way. It should, but it dont. You probley didnt read my post. First, when a woman screws around when she is married, the husband is on the hook. Ever hear of a married woman breaking down and fingering the real father? Even with absolveing DNA a judge is going to see that someone supports that kid, and its going to be the husband. Thats a good big reason you got to trust your mate.
One more thing. A man who loves guns has to be extra carefull with his temper. She can easily lie and you just might find yourself in a position and cant own a gun, or at least keep a ccw!
I had a lawyer once that said/posed the question: If you find yourself with your arm in a lions mouth, what do you do with the other arm? You pet the lion!