So who else had lousy parents?
- Thread starter BLACKHAWKNJ
- Start date
longhorn too
Member
I thank God for the parents I had. They are both gone now and someday I will get to see them again!
model70hunter
Member
My parents were raised/survived the great depression. Mom was farm raised, Dad started out on a farm but they moved to town when his Dad lost the farm.
Dad bought a 200 acre farm, he was a college graduate engineer, DOD, US Army Civil service. He kept my little brother and I knee deep in work. We grew up thinking we were poor farm boys, Dad was pocketing the money from our farm work and his job. Mom worked also.
I know our parents loved us, sometimes it was hard to peel the onion deep enough to find it. I guess we were middling dysfunctional. My sister and I obtained a college degree. All of us left the farm after high school, my brother ended up with his own farm, I bought one to retire to. Both our parents have passed. Last year we 3 siblings were talking about our youth, my sister who hated the farm with a passion said as I now look back those were the best years of our lives. We were close, there was hard work, Dad and us boys worked the farm, Mom canned gallons and gallons of our garden produce. Usually my brother and I would have to peel Dad loose from work to go fishing, which he loved. Did not have to work at getting him to Deer hunt, but he went with his friends and did not take us. We learned on our own.
One of my favorite stories from our younger years on the farm came from Dad's favorite saying when we were working in the truck patch. We would be sweating like oinkers and Dad would say, "You boys will be glad you have all this food when the snowballs hit you in the butt this winter". We heard that daily and multiple times a day.
We burned wood, Dad would not cut our winters wood in the fall, nope we had to go every Saturday Morning, rain, snow, bitter cold and mud.
My Brother and I tried to convince him to no avail. One nice bitter cold January in about 15" of snow we put the chains on the pickup and headed to the back of the farm to cut wood, the trees had been ringed, were dead and dry and still standing.
Dad had a bad case of the stomach flu, he took a roll of toilet paper. Every 5 minutes he would set the saw down and run behind a tree to relieve the stomach flu. My Bro and I were pretty ticked.
My little Brother always leaned a little to the wild side. He picked up a double handful of snow and packed up a nice snowball while staring me in the eye. I told him I'd wax him if he threw it at me. He made a couple more. Then he charged the tree Dad was squatted behind and busted Dad in the behind with a couple of snow balls yelling "If we'd cut wood last fall these snowballs wouldn't be hitting you in the butt. Dad squalled and tried to out run my Bro while holding up his britches. Bro reloaded on the run and whacked Dad several more times. Repeating Dad's phrase over and over. I laughed so hard I hurt. My Bro was laughing and finally Dad in all his misery laughed.
My wife and I have made it a point to spend some quality time with our kids, watch ball games etc. It is OK to work but not at the expense of isolating your children.
Dad bought a 200 acre farm, he was a college graduate engineer, DOD, US Army Civil service. He kept my little brother and I knee deep in work. We grew up thinking we were poor farm boys, Dad was pocketing the money from our farm work and his job. Mom worked also.
I know our parents loved us, sometimes it was hard to peel the onion deep enough to find it. I guess we were middling dysfunctional. My sister and I obtained a college degree. All of us left the farm after high school, my brother ended up with his own farm, I bought one to retire to. Both our parents have passed. Last year we 3 siblings were talking about our youth, my sister who hated the farm with a passion said as I now look back those were the best years of our lives. We were close, there was hard work, Dad and us boys worked the farm, Mom canned gallons and gallons of our garden produce. Usually my brother and I would have to peel Dad loose from work to go fishing, which he loved. Did not have to work at getting him to Deer hunt, but he went with his friends and did not take us. We learned on our own.
One of my favorite stories from our younger years on the farm came from Dad's favorite saying when we were working in the truck patch. We would be sweating like oinkers and Dad would say, "You boys will be glad you have all this food when the snowballs hit you in the butt this winter". We heard that daily and multiple times a day.
We burned wood, Dad would not cut our winters wood in the fall, nope we had to go every Saturday Morning, rain, snow, bitter cold and mud.
My Brother and I tried to convince him to no avail. One nice bitter cold January in about 15" of snow we put the chains on the pickup and headed to the back of the farm to cut wood, the trees had been ringed, were dead and dry and still standing.
Dad had a bad case of the stomach flu, he took a roll of toilet paper. Every 5 minutes he would set the saw down and run behind a tree to relieve the stomach flu. My Bro and I were pretty ticked.
My little Brother always leaned a little to the wild side. He picked up a double handful of snow and packed up a nice snowball while staring me in the eye. I told him I'd wax him if he threw it at me. He made a couple more. Then he charged the tree Dad was squatted behind and busted Dad in the behind with a couple of snow balls yelling "If we'd cut wood last fall these snowballs wouldn't be hitting you in the butt. Dad squalled and tried to out run my Bro while holding up his britches. Bro reloaded on the run and whacked Dad several more times. Repeating Dad's phrase over and over. I laughed so hard I hurt. My Bro was laughing and finally Dad in all his misery laughed.
My wife and I have made it a point to spend some quality time with our kids, watch ball games etc. It is OK to work but not at the expense of isolating your children.
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DJINCO
US Veteran
This is very interesting. I think that the parents of the 1950's - the WWII generation are different and this topic is proof of that theory.
My parents are were loving growing up, but not cuddly. No sugar and spice, but we had food and didn't need anything. We were well taken care of. I am the youngest of four. My parents have been married 65 years. 152 days ago I moved them into a nursing home, together, in the same room because I cannot imagine separating them now.
My Mother doesn't recognize who I am any longer. My Father is very angry with me sometimes, and other times he is fine. They both have advanced dementia.
Today, I was granted permanent unlimited guardianship and conservatorship by the court for both of my parents.
A word to parents of younger children; be kind to your children, they choose the nursing home that you will live in and make your end-of-life decisions.
Who I am is influenced by my parents, my in-laws and my 24 years of military service.
My parents are were loving growing up, but not cuddly. No sugar and spice, but we had food and didn't need anything. We were well taken care of. I am the youngest of four. My parents have been married 65 years. 152 days ago I moved them into a nursing home, together, in the same room because I cannot imagine separating them now.
My Mother doesn't recognize who I am any longer. My Father is very angry with me sometimes, and other times he is fine. They both have advanced dementia.
Today, I was granted permanent unlimited guardianship and conservatorship by the court for both of my parents.
A word to parents of younger children; be kind to your children, they choose the nursing home that you will live in and make your end-of-life decisions.
Who I am is influenced by my parents, my in-laws and my 24 years of military service.
BearBio
Member
But, despite the stories, we all turned out all right.
My childhood was certainly not privileged but we weren't deprived!
Shows the resiliency of the human soul!
My childhood was certainly not privileged but we weren't deprived!
Shows the resiliency of the human soul!
OP
BLACKHAWKNJ
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A friend who made it to 93 said "Those who insist on being bad parents had better plan on perfect health or dying young, since the moment they start to slip or stumble they will find those children they treated with such disdain and contempt now can't be bothered with them."
She was involved with an elder abuse task force, she quickly realized that much if not most elder abuse came under the heading of retribution and retaliation-payback time, as we say today, "As ye sow so shall ye reap." The first cas she dealt with was the most typical-a 60 something man repeatedly showed up at the local emergency room-black eyes, busted nose, broken ribs. Investigation revealed he had been a horrid parent-alcoholic, ill-tempered, violent and abusive. The son with whom he was living was some 30 years younger, several inches taller, about 20-30 muscular pound heavier-the old man was fighting way out his category.
She was involved with an elder abuse task force, she quickly realized that much if not most elder abuse came under the heading of retribution and retaliation-payback time, as we say today, "As ye sow so shall ye reap." The first cas she dealt with was the most typical-a 60 something man repeatedly showed up at the local emergency room-black eyes, busted nose, broken ribs. Investigation revealed he had been a horrid parent-alcoholic, ill-tempered, violent and abusive. The son with whom he was living was some 30 years younger, several inches taller, about 20-30 muscular pound heavier-the old man was fighting way out his category.
BigBill
Absent Comrade
But like Bill Crosby said that woman (mother) who raised me isn't the same woman to my kids. My kids think my mom was awesome. As she got older she was nice to my kids. I think she was being nice, trying to score points to make it into heaven. But she still hated me for some reason. I do not let it bother me when It comes to my kids.
feralmerril
Absent Comrade
It will be interesting on judgement day to hear the other side of many of these storys. Years ago I was surprised to hear my sister tell her husband how strict our folks were. I wondered if we were raised by the same parents.
I guess a lot of it depends on how we interput things that happen around and to us. In my eyes and perspective my folks were great. More so in hindsight than at the time I was 14. Mom could nag me quite a bit but now I think maybe it wasnt enough. My folks usualy worked opposite shifts. Only on weekends were they home together. I was a poor student yet they never got on me about it. Might be because dad got as far as 4th grade and mom 8th. They did go to church every time there was any kind of service, (twice on sunday and usualy a couple other times). I didnt like it. Still even the thought of begging off never crossed my mind. I must have knew it would be hopeless. I didnt one time sass my dad, I doubt even if any grown man would have wanted to cross him. They werent the real demistrative affectionate type but still I never doubted their love for each other or us. I lay my at least staying out of jail etc to their bringing us up in church. Both were extreamly tough no nonsense hard working and honest types. I had a ton of relatives on my dads side as he was one of 17 kids. (oldest of 10 full and 7 half brothers and sisters). In all those years I never heard one filthy swear word from any of them. Amoung them only one uncle divoriced and he remarried his wife.
My folks never stiffed anyone, never bought anything on credit, not even a car! They did live very cheap yet we did take vacation trips, fish in canada etc. Although dad only got as far as 4th grade and was mostly a machinest, had you ever met him out of his work cloths you would have figured him for a executive or professional of some type. I belive he was easy on me because from what I heard his dad was ferrocious and a fighter. He probley had to be raiseing 17 kids!
I have known first hand cops and preachers that had major trouble with their kids so how do you figure it? Besides all I wrote, probley the biggest other factor in my makeup is the fact that there was no drugs in our school plus it definetly was a WASP area.
I guess a lot of it depends on how we interput things that happen around and to us. In my eyes and perspective my folks were great. More so in hindsight than at the time I was 14. Mom could nag me quite a bit but now I think maybe it wasnt enough. My folks usualy worked opposite shifts. Only on weekends were they home together. I was a poor student yet they never got on me about it. Might be because dad got as far as 4th grade and mom 8th. They did go to church every time there was any kind of service, (twice on sunday and usualy a couple other times). I didnt like it. Still even the thought of begging off never crossed my mind. I must have knew it would be hopeless. I didnt one time sass my dad, I doubt even if any grown man would have wanted to cross him. They werent the real demistrative affectionate type but still I never doubted their love for each other or us. I lay my at least staying out of jail etc to their bringing us up in church. Both were extreamly tough no nonsense hard working and honest types. I had a ton of relatives on my dads side as he was one of 17 kids. (oldest of 10 full and 7 half brothers and sisters). In all those years I never heard one filthy swear word from any of them. Amoung them only one uncle divoriced and he remarried his wife.
My folks never stiffed anyone, never bought anything on credit, not even a car! They did live very cheap yet we did take vacation trips, fish in canada etc. Although dad only got as far as 4th grade and was mostly a machinest, had you ever met him out of his work cloths you would have figured him for a executive or professional of some type. I belive he was easy on me because from what I heard his dad was ferrocious and a fighter. He probley had to be raiseing 17 kids!
I have known first hand cops and preachers that had major trouble with their kids so how do you figure it? Besides all I wrote, probley the biggest other factor in my makeup is the fact that there was no drugs in our school plus it definetly was a WASP area.
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luangtom
US Veteran
There seem to be alot of variety in the lives of those on this forum. I had a "different" childhood, by the standards of many. Looking back, it was not too bad. Now, as a retiree, I hear from siblings, we are years apart up and down, and cousins, just how all of our mothers were. Seems to be an inherited trait that all of those sisters, my mother and my aunts, carried with them from their mother, my maternal grandmother. I now understand what my father said on his death-bed, "I am dying because I want to. I have no fight left in me. I am meeting my Maker today."......and he died. That was close to thirty-years ago.
I have told my wife of 40-years some of the tales of my youth. She took them with a grain of salt. My oldest sister told her, "Oh, those tales are true, our mother is nuts." Now, my wife just sits and shakes her head and says, "Now I understand why you do what you do." Mother lives over 1,000-miles away now. I chose to move away when I retired so I did not have to deal with it anymore. Let's just say that I enjoy where I am and not having to worry about getting between Mother and her church anymore.
I have told my wife of 40-years some of the tales of my youth. She took them with a grain of salt. My oldest sister told her, "Oh, those tales are true, our mother is nuts." Now, my wife just sits and shakes her head and says, "Now I understand why you do what you do." Mother lives over 1,000-miles away now. I chose to move away when I retired so I did not have to deal with it anymore. Let's just say that I enjoy where I am and not having to worry about getting between Mother and her church anymore.
rojodiablo
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While I 'Liked' your post for its' brutal honesty, I could feel some heat coming thru the screen while reading it.
Some people are really strange with family. REALLY STRANGE.
I did not like my dad a lot of the time growing up. He drank too much and was prone to teeing off on me when he was in a bad mood. I have really had to work on this with my own 2 sons. I can't say I never spanked them, but I can say I never took to whipping one of them to vent my frustrations with life.
Int he end, there WERE things that I was happy to be with my father for. I did learn a lot from him. I also got to see him do the most amazing thing I have ever seen: I watched him cure his demons. And I watched him turn himself into the man he wished he was the entire time I was growing up. I saw him fail.
I watched him get up, dust himself off, and start over. I watched him become a good friend to my mom, instead of a combatant. I learned that HARD, hard men can take control of themselves, and work to get not what they want, but what their family needs.
Yes, he beat me 'till I peed myself as a kid. In fact, he did it when I was a teen. We fought once; I was 16. It was not good. Destroyed the house. It was the first time I ever fought a grown man. I did not win, but I did not lose.
But my dad sobered up, and saw what he had done. He quit drinking that day. I guess you would say that in this respect, everyone in my family won, and all it cost me was some skin off my knuckles, a few bruised ribs, a split lip, a bloody nose, and a black eye.
My dad lost his ego. And he put down his sword.
And I will say; he has been the BEST grandfather to my sons I could have ever wished for.
\For all the times as a kid I wished and prayed he would NOT come home?? He lives next door to me. He is now 71. He goes in for triple bypass surgery, and a pair of heart valves in 2 weeks. And I am terrified that he will NOT come home. Him??? To Vern, this is a walk in the park. He is as cool as a beer commercial about this. He takes life for the pleasure of the day, just got back from seeing his granddaughter for a week before the surgery, and he is surveying my garden to see if he needs to go in and tidy it up for me while I am gone at work.
He was not a good guy. He was the guy who would beat up a bar full of sailors. But people can change.
I guess what I am saying is, try not to lose hope about things like this. And as a parent, do your damnest to correct the mistakes of the past generation. If you are the grandparent? Guide your children, help them to be the better parent they can be (Not make them feel bad for not being the great parent they 'should be'.)
I just knew I shoulda not clicked into this thread..........
Some people are really strange with family. REALLY STRANGE.
I did not like my dad a lot of the time growing up. He drank too much and was prone to teeing off on me when he was in a bad mood. I have really had to work on this with my own 2 sons. I can't say I never spanked them, but I can say I never took to whipping one of them to vent my frustrations with life.
Int he end, there WERE things that I was happy to be with my father for. I did learn a lot from him. I also got to see him do the most amazing thing I have ever seen: I watched him cure his demons. And I watched him turn himself into the man he wished he was the entire time I was growing up. I saw him fail.
I watched him get up, dust himself off, and start over. I watched him become a good friend to my mom, instead of a combatant. I learned that HARD, hard men can take control of themselves, and work to get not what they want, but what their family needs.
Yes, he beat me 'till I peed myself as a kid. In fact, he did it when I was a teen. We fought once; I was 16. It was not good. Destroyed the house. It was the first time I ever fought a grown man. I did not win, but I did not lose.
But my dad sobered up, and saw what he had done. He quit drinking that day. I guess you would say that in this respect, everyone in my family won, and all it cost me was some skin off my knuckles, a few bruised ribs, a split lip, a bloody nose, and a black eye.
My dad lost his ego. And he put down his sword.
And I will say; he has been the BEST grandfather to my sons I could have ever wished for.
\For all the times as a kid I wished and prayed he would NOT come home?? He lives next door to me. He is now 71. He goes in for triple bypass surgery, and a pair of heart valves in 2 weeks. And I am terrified that he will NOT come home. Him??? To Vern, this is a walk in the park. He is as cool as a beer commercial about this. He takes life for the pleasure of the day, just got back from seeing his granddaughter for a week before the surgery, and he is surveying my garden to see if he needs to go in and tidy it up for me while I am gone at work.
He was not a good guy. He was the guy who would beat up a bar full of sailors. But people can change.
I guess what I am saying is, try not to lose hope about things like this. And as a parent, do your damnest to correct the mistakes of the past generation. If you are the grandparent? Guide your children, help them to be the better parent they can be (Not make them feel bad for not being the great parent they 'should be'.)
I just knew I shoulda not clicked into this thread..........
model70hunter
Member
This thread does cause lots of retrospective thinking. My parents were not touchy hands on folks, Dad in public would tell folks what a great kid you were and then you'd have to live up to it. Dad was slick with psychology.
Mom's Dad was one of the hardest men you'll ever see, did not drink a drop, just big, strong, hard and mean. My Mom always warned us kids to not "set" him off. I was always yes sir or no sir in response to him. He was "old" old school. Mom said he'd tell his kids once in the morning what chores to do and if they weren't done on time he'd beat them. 2 of my uncles left home after a beating and never returned. They went to St. Louis and lived with relatives.
Once when I was 10 a cousin (spoiled rotten brat only child) and I spent the week with Mom's parents one summer. As we walked across the yard Mr. Grand Pa Sir asked his other Grandson to do something. Cuz said do it your self you old Son of a Gun but used the bad last word. Grandpa was up in his 60's but he was still heavy into farming and had a walking cane. He grabbed Cuz by the hair of the head quicker than a snake strike, lifted him off the ground and started waling away on Cuz's rear with the cane. I think he could be heard screaming for miles. Grandma came out and kept asking him to put the boy down. Grandpa put him down when he was through. He ran the 5 miles to his house. From then on when Grandpa asked me something it was "Sir, yes Sir".
When my little sister was born we took her to Mom's parents to show her off. I knew Mom was always uneasy around her Dad due to his temper. On the way home Mom was in the front seat of Dad's brand new 1954 Dodge Coronet with the Hemi discussing her dislike of her Dad with my father. I was 7.5 years old. I piped in a few things and my parents would respond. I felt pretty big being included in an adult conversation. Mom said she hated her Dad for the way he beat her and her siblings. Man it was a flash of brilliance, here was my chance to use reverse child psychology. I said, Mom if you hate your Dad for beating you why do you beat me and my brother. She threw my sister at Dad, spun in the seat like a cat and started throwing punches at me over the seat. I slid left she slid right, I slid right she slid to her left, I was doing the rope a dope long before a famous boxer did.
Like a quick and violent spring storm it was over as quick as it started, she turned around grabbed my sister and not one word was spoken the rest of the way home. I was more thoughtful of my comments after that, I later figured out Mom was embarrassed by her actions. She never lost her temper like that again. Mess up and She still would send you out after a peach tree limb but it was a whipping, not a beating.
As we grew up and got to big for whippings all of us became much closer. She was always a good Mom, just don't "set" her off.
Mom's Dad was one of the hardest men you'll ever see, did not drink a drop, just big, strong, hard and mean. My Mom always warned us kids to not "set" him off. I was always yes sir or no sir in response to him. He was "old" old school. Mom said he'd tell his kids once in the morning what chores to do and if they weren't done on time he'd beat them. 2 of my uncles left home after a beating and never returned. They went to St. Louis and lived with relatives.
Once when I was 10 a cousin (spoiled rotten brat only child) and I spent the week with Mom's parents one summer. As we walked across the yard Mr. Grand Pa Sir asked his other Grandson to do something. Cuz said do it your self you old Son of a Gun but used the bad last word. Grandpa was up in his 60's but he was still heavy into farming and had a walking cane. He grabbed Cuz by the hair of the head quicker than a snake strike, lifted him off the ground and started waling away on Cuz's rear with the cane. I think he could be heard screaming for miles. Grandma came out and kept asking him to put the boy down. Grandpa put him down when he was through. He ran the 5 miles to his house. From then on when Grandpa asked me something it was "Sir, yes Sir".
When my little sister was born we took her to Mom's parents to show her off. I knew Mom was always uneasy around her Dad due to his temper. On the way home Mom was in the front seat of Dad's brand new 1954 Dodge Coronet with the Hemi discussing her dislike of her Dad with my father. I was 7.5 years old. I piped in a few things and my parents would respond. I felt pretty big being included in an adult conversation. Mom said she hated her Dad for the way he beat her and her siblings. Man it was a flash of brilliance, here was my chance to use reverse child psychology. I said, Mom if you hate your Dad for beating you why do you beat me and my brother. She threw my sister at Dad, spun in the seat like a cat and started throwing punches at me over the seat. I slid left she slid right, I slid right she slid to her left, I was doing the rope a dope long before a famous boxer did.
Like a quick and violent spring storm it was over as quick as it started, she turned around grabbed my sister and not one word was spoken the rest of the way home. I was more thoughtful of my comments after that, I later figured out Mom was embarrassed by her actions. She never lost her temper like that again. Mess up and She still would send you out after a peach tree limb but it was a whipping, not a beating.
As we grew up and got to big for whippings all of us became much closer. She was always a good Mom, just don't "set" her off.
My mother would go into frenzies and beat the hell out of us. Losing her temper was her downfall. I never could completely love her. While sad, it was a fact of life.
Unfortunately the woman's attitude made developing decent relationships with women quite difficult. I could never really reconcile myself to that simple fact. It didn't make me hate her, but what was much worse it instilled apathy.
I finally made certain that I wasn't around her for the last four years of her life.
Scott
Unfortunately the woman's attitude made developing decent relationships with women quite difficult. I could never really reconcile myself to that simple fact. It didn't make me hate her, but what was much worse it instilled apathy.
I finally made certain that I wasn't around her for the last four years of her life.
Scott
gaucho1
Member
I read these postings and realize how incredibly fortunate I have been.
Some years ago I realized that to have a life is the greatest gift I have received.
Whatever flaws the humans who are my parents may have had......
They gave me everything by giving me life.
God Bless all who are healing the wounds and making their life into
something worth while.
And God Bless those who are still finding their way.
Living Well....is indeed..........the best revenge
Some years ago I realized that to have a life is the greatest gift I have received.
Whatever flaws the humans who are my parents may have had......
They gave me everything by giving me life.
God Bless all who are healing the wounds and making their life into
something worth while.
And God Bless those who are still finding their way.
Living Well....is indeed..........the best revenge
Glad to hear you all had such great mothers. I was relieved to become an orphan.
My father died when I was 21. The man was n't a paragon of virtue, but he didn't drink much at all, never abused us yet didn't take any $#it from my smart-mouthed older brother (who was on the 'road to alcoholism' at the tender age of 10.)
The man was my best friend, and will always be the best thing that had ever happened to me. After being awarded 3 Purple Hearts, surviving the 7 1/2 ships that had been sank from beneath him (the half, was the one at Pearl Harbor that fateful Sunday morning.)
Had it not been for him, I probably wouldn't be here.
Scott
My father died when I was 21. The man was n't a paragon of virtue, but he didn't drink much at all, never abused us yet didn't take any $#it from my smart-mouthed older brother (who was on the 'road to alcoholism' at the tender age of 10.)
The man was my best friend, and will always be the best thing that had ever happened to me. After being awarded 3 Purple Hearts, surviving the 7 1/2 ships that had been sank from beneath him (the half, was the one at Pearl Harbor that fateful Sunday morning.)
Had it not been for him, I probably wouldn't be here.
Scott
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CAJUNLAWYER
Member
I have learned from experience that kids do not come with an instruction manual. I have also learned form experience that everything I ever did for or to my children was motivated first and foremost by my love of them. I have come to realize that it was the same with my father. Every man is damaged to a certain degree and those things come to bear in child raising. Forgive yourself first and then forgive your dad. And then do your best. I read a letter last night from my dad (who died last August) that he had written 20 years ago and then not sent but tucked away in a book. It was found by accident and I only wished he had sent it 20 years ago. It made a lot of things clear and answered a lot of questions.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Give your dad (or mom) the benefit of the doubt. And trust God.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Give your dad (or mom) the benefit of the doubt. And trust God.
Part of the perspective is figuring out where they came from and what they grew up with and then moving on.
