Stuff our spouses say

[LVSteve]

We went out today looking for a new jacket for my wife. Like most women in a department store, there was the obligatory visit to the shoe department as well. She pulled out one pair that turned out to be rather funky looking. They were made by Steve Madden, big name in designer stuff. At this point she sighed and uttered this gem:

"Steve, you have to stop designing shoes when you're drunk."

What classics have you heard from your significant other.

 

[Rustyt1953]

"Make sure to light a candle when you're done in there."

 

[JohnRippert]

"Make sure to light a candle when you're done in there."

We keep some stuff called Pure Citrus in the Orange "flavor". Works a peach.

 

[Bro. Dave]

Because I have determined these last 50 years of marriage to not lie to her I still cringe just a bit when she asks, "Is that a new gun?"

I typically answer truthfully and say, "Oh, you haven't seen this one? Let me show you how interesting this one is."

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

"Why do you want more than one gun?"

 

[Onomea]

In 1993, a few months before our son was born, I flew my parents to Japan to spend a month with us. I had gone out to the airport, Narita, to meet them, and we'd been maybe an hour and a half coming back, in the rain and traffic. They were exhausted and hungry.

My wife, who is Japanese and speaks English with an accent, was, of course, a bit nervous about hosting them. She'd worked hard to make a nice dinner. When we sat down to dinner, my father, who was hungry, gobbled away enthusiastically.

After a bit he paused, perhaps feeling he was eating too much too quickly, and said to my wife, "You should eat more of this!"

My wife said, "Oh, you are trying to make me fart!," intending to say "fat."

There was dead silence...

Then I started laughing, and we all started laughing.

Quite the icebreaker!

 

[Tom S.]

"Make sure to light a candle when you're done in there."

We had to outlaw candles at work when one guy nearly set his office on fire.

 

[lihpster]

"Oh yeah? Well my husband can take you and your cousins!"

 

[Truckman]

"This is my dream house, I won't have to change a thing if we buy it!"......Ben

 

[Mule Packer]

I was in my early fifties at the time and had been breaking a young colt. Miss Judy had been after me the past few years to quit riding colts and young mules. Naturally, I didn't pay much attention to her.

We'd been working the fall gather up in the mountains early one morning when one of the other cowboys chased a couple bulls out of the timber. They came running straight at that colt I was riding. We're on a side hill and of course, the colt gets spooked and starts bucking like crazy.

Long story short, I get bucked off and kicked on the way down, breaking my leg.

A couple nights later, I'm lying on the couch, leg propped up and in a cast. Miss Judy walks by, stops, looks at me and says, "Now...have we learned anything from this yet?"

 

[jscheck]

Whether it’s a gun I’m interested in or the latest kill from the hunting trip, my dearest has the same reply, “Wow nice!”��

 

[Wdbutcher97]

"We've had two houses that I've liked since we've been married...this isn't one of them"
The other thing she said to me while I was digging around a propane line. "Don't blow yourself up" I knew then that she really loved me.

 

[Chuck24]

Why do you go to the gun show if you’re not going to buy anything?

 

[Dave.357]

Was not my wife it was her friend that said
(You look like one more clean shirt will
be enough) as I lay in a hospital bed.
I came close to laughing myself to death.

 

[NYlakesider]

When I go out to work with my tractor on a kind of nasty hillside I sometimes get asked is your medical insurance up to date?

 

[Ron In MD]

"Why do you want more than one gun?"

The same reason that we have more than one car!

 

[Heymatt]

When it’s something I’m looking to buy.
“Is it that you want another? Or is it that you need another?”
When it’s her purchase, “ look what I got on sale! I saved money!”

 

[Krogen]

As my ex-wife and I were leaving the church to go off on our honeymoon, she said: "So now, can I have your credit card?"

I should have seen that coming. Don't ask me why I didn't! She was the sort that would spend any money the cash machine would give her.

 

[PALADIN85020]

My dad and I once laughed out loud when my mom referred to a brewery as a "beer factory!"

Every time my wife says "Guess what?" we both laugh. The inside joke is that question was routinely used to prepare me for the fact that she was pregnant again....

John

 

[TIMETRIPPER]

Whenever I'm looking for something and can't find it my wife always asks "Well, where did you leave it last?"...

... if I knew that I wouldn't be looking.

John

 

[kmyers]

With Wendy it is always the question she had after our wedding day: How drunk was I?

 

[pmanton]

There's only two of us and it wasn't me!

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

"This is my dream house, I won't have to change a thing if we buy it!"......Ben

That I have learned is only good for about a month.

 

[crazyphil]

I was reading an article one day that said the people for USAFSS and NSA
were chosen from the top 1/2 of 1% recruits. I was very proud because
that is where I served. I couldn't wait to tell my dear wife. When I told
her she said "that doesn't say much for the other 99 & 1/2% does it?"
She passed away February 11 2020, Ironically my birthday. I miss her
every day.

 

[SnidelyWhiplash]

My first wife understood "I need" but had no conception of "I want".

Wife 2.0 just says "If you want it go ahead and get it."

 

[BlackAgnes]

Daughter stopped by on day and said she had seen a clown at the mall.
Wife asks, "Was it a real clown or someone dressed up like a clown?"

I thought I'd bust a gut laughing...

 

[Walkin Horse]

The best thing my now ex said to me was “ Get your and get out.

 

[Xfuzz]

In a time before cable and dish TV.....

My neighbor put in a beautiful flower bed
with a 20' flag pole in the center.

My beautiful blond wife reply's...
"I bet he is going to get excellent reception."

 

[WR Moore]

Since horses have been mentioned.....I was bringing mares in from pasture and one slipped past me at the gate. I went to get her and she kicked up her heels. The left hind caught me in the chest. I flew through the air (thinking thank God she missed the liver) and landed in some berry bushes.

About this time my wife showed up and the mare went right to her and wanted to be put in the stall (before I recovered). After the mare was stalled she came looking for me.

I'd started crawling out of the bushes-covered with scratches- while trying to breath: honk.....honk.....honk

The wife asks: "Are you all right?" Fortunately, I couldn't respond.

The cartoons are right: you do get a horse shoe/hoof shaped mark.

 

[YeshuaIsa53]

Was getting out of the car to introduce my Mother to my now-wife, when the main gander of all the geese came running toward her to greet her with a few bites or pecks. Ma said, "Watch out, he'll bite you."

My wife met the gander halfway in a second or two. She grabbed him around his neck and held him eye level, stared a nasty stare at him, and tossed him across the yard. She said, "He'll never bite me!"

Bite? He never even ran at her again.