Why?

[Doug627]

My mother passed away December 7, 2023. She was 92 years old and in poor physical condition. She could barely walk due to severely arthritic knees and drop foot. She was practically deaf and felt bad all the time. She confided that she no longer enjoyed life. On November 30th, she suffered a stroke and began having seizures. The doctors had EEG leads put on her head to monitor the seizure activity. She was having several per hour lasting 50 to 70 seconds. She would periodically experience clarity and we hoped for a good recovery. While undergoing an MRI she had a massive stroke and went into a nonresponsive state. We agreed to hospice care after a six-day bedside vigil. I loved my mother and hated seeing her like this. She was a born-again Christian woman. I began praying for God to take her home and stop her suffering. He granted those prayers. She died peacefully in hospice. Now I'm having intrusive thoughts telling me I did what I did because she was a burden. This is untrue. Why do we have these terrible thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this? It is one heavy cross to bear.

 

[Rustyt1953]

Doug, I understand both your love and your anguish.

As you know my mom passed three days ago at 90. The ravages of time and deteriorating health caught up with her. She was ready to go.

Like you I am thankful that she went peacefully.


I am profoundly sorry for your loss especially at this time of year.

 

[Rudi]

I cared for my Mom until I no longer could. Followed her instructions to the letter. It was horrible. The hardest thing I have ever done. She was 90, that was 6 years ago.

 

[lihpster]

First, condolences on your loss. I have some experience with what you are experiencing. In the last decade I have lost my 2 brothers and my mom and my father is on the way out. As the last one standing, so to speak, I feel the responsibility of those deaths. Like if I was somehow stronger, they wouldn't have happened. But that's grief. Grief is a sneaky, lying ******* who strikes at any time. He twists your mind. You start thinking, "I should have......" when the only thing to do is make the transition as easy as possible. Which you did. Doesn't make it any easier, but when was the right thing ever easy? Just remember, those little voices don't always tell the truth and they aren't your friends.
I wish I could tell you it gets better quickly, but I can't. It does get better, but it takes some time. Hang in there, my friend.

 

[pasound]

Doug627, you did nothing wrong. She was not a burden, and her wishes were hers alone. Sorry for your loss, and have joy in the memories you have sharing her life. You are her son, and now you are those memories. Remember the good ones, not the last ones.

 

[Doug M.]

My mom made it to just short of 97. Her last years, she lived with my sister and enjoyed the grand/great-grand kids as she could. She went to an older folks' home a few days a week, where she got to enjoy the house kitty. She moved to a nursing home just before she died, but she was ready. We had plenty of time to prepare. I do still miss my parents, but every person has a time.

 

[GypsmJim]

Your story mirrors mine almost exactly. My Mom was in a nursing home for the last 2 years of her life. I retired 10 months before she passed, so I had the time then to go see her and it was not the same burden as when I was working. I said the same prayers, not because she was a burden, but because she was suffering. Thank God for Hospice.

I'm sad she's gone, but relieved she is with Dad.

 

[LVSteve]

You did nothing wrong, Doug. To be blunt, my first wife took eight months to die once the extent of her brain cancer was known. Yes, they nuked her with radiation, but I suspect all it did was bring forward the day she became bedridden. The last day was gruesome. She had some kind of stroke and/or heart attack in the morning, and was in great distress and unable to speak when I got to the hospital. There was little alternative to making her comfortable as the damage was already done. She passed at 2325 that night.

Was there a sense of relief? Yes. Did I feel guilty about that? Yes. I was told by the counselor at the hospital that this would happen and that it was entirely normal. I was advised to put it aside and run with happy memories. A bit a tall order as I had also lost my father in the UK earlier in the year, but I got through it, and so will you.

 

[steelslaver]

I am sorry for you and your families loss. May she live well in your hearts and minds.

My late wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor. At first I stayed home with her, then when back at work arranged some one to stay with her, Made sure she made every Dr appointment and took her to most of them and every conference. But, like in your case there was no good end in sight. I hated it, I hated what was happening to her. She never once complained. Butt, what was happening to her was so cruel. A smart caring woman, losing her mental abilities, her hair, everything. A question of time. One day at work, I got a call on my radio to go to the office, they told me I need to go home ASAP. When I got home she had died, my sister said my wife had gone to the bathroom came out sit down on the couch and then started convulsing and that was it. I was sick. I was lost. But, then I also felt that exact same sense of it is all over relief you are feeling. She was now at peace and not suffering, no more pills making her sick, no more loss of her independence.

It was over for me too. No more worrying about appointments, bills, no more fighting with the insurance company. No more watching her die.

Was I relieved because she wasn't suffering or I wasn't being burdened?


The reason you have such thoughts is your NOT a psychopathy, you have empathy.

 

[Ματθιας]

On 13 Dec. 2015, my dad died - It was also his birthday. He died from both lymphoma and the radiation treatment complication - radiation induced dysphagia. The last six weeks of his life were horrible.

While I wanted my dad around, I didn't want him like he was. It was a relief when he died. I felt guilty about that and about the decisions that were made.

My head told me that I had did the best I could with the information that I had. I knew it was for the best. My heart told me other wise. My heart made me feel horrible.

The more I thought about it, the more I relived those days, the more I realized that we were already on a path that was going one way and any decisions that were made, were not going to change the final outcome. That was the reality.

After a while, my head and my heart came to an agreement. I still feel a bit of guilt, but I feel good that my dad is no longer suffering and is in a better place.

I miss my dad beyond words.

Please, I know it's easy to say but realize that you did the best you could with the info that you had. It's tough, I know.

 

[ColbyBruce]

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel you are overcome with a mixture of grief and relief. Grief over her loss, relief that she is no longer suffering. You did not ask Him to relieve you of a burden, rather you prayed for His will to be done. That is all we can do. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience and each of us are born with an expiration date. Your mother’s time here expired and she has moved forward to a different experience.

Plan her farewell and know that it may take time to overcome your current feelings. You will get there.

 

[mckenney99]

Doug,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I have been there. My father was in the final stages of a terminal condition. He was in a hospital setting and we knew it was just a matter of limited time. After setting vigil with him for several days/nights, my mom, brother, sister and I agreed that I would stay with him overnight while they went home and got some much needed rest. I thought I was in better shape mentally than mom or my siblings to stay with dad. We all knew/agreed what dad's wishes were. There were to be NO life prolonging measures utilized.
I was with my dad when he suddenly awoke spoke his last words and took his final breaths on this earth. I still question why I didn't call a "code", even though I was honoring his wishes. It's been 30 years now & I still think about it. I know that my dad is in a better place now and no longer in fear or pain and that FAITH helps me to assuage the feelings that occasionally creep back.

 

[walter o]

Dough 627
It has been 12 years since i had to make that decision about my wife. I still sometimes question my choice ,but I know it was the correct option for her . not for me But i have so many memories good and some rough that i now enjoy all of them .Time does heal our wounds .Think of it this way,GOD wanted another angle

 

[Greyman50]

Doug, condolences to you and your family. My Dad has been gone for almost 20 years, cancer that went to his brain. He smoked for about 70 years.
My mother had dementia/ Alzheimers for 14 years and had to be in a secure facility. Depressing to see ones mother go from “ herself” to some angry, fighting person. A fine Christian lady. Received a call from her nursing home regarding “ what and how much did she drink”? I told the lady mother drank coffee, orange juice and milk. There was a long pause and she said,” no how much alcohol”? I about dropped the phone as she never drank alcohol except in Mexico in 1946 when they could not drink the water. The lady said mother would drink every glass of wine at the Wednesday social….

 

[robvious]

my condolences for your loss... I was told by a family friend and hospice nurse that whatever you feel is ok... some feel numb, some angry, some relieved, some joy... they are feelings and all are ok... she also told me that when you feel sad it is the price of love... you will be ok and the happy will replace sad.

 

[alwslate]

OP you seem to be feeling guilty because you assume that your prayers actually caused her death despite her dire condition. The likelihood of that is somewhat below zero.

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

I read a book titled "Daughters of the Elderly" dealing with living with and caring for aging parents, it quoted one woman as saying "It's a lot harder than trying to raise a child and the rewards a lot more meager." And that book quotes another woman-"It wrecked my marriage , it ruined my relationship with my children, it wasn't worth it." I have known many people who gave it a U for Unsatisfactory. And I have know plenty of people for whom the early death of a parent was no tragedy.
Do not reproach yourself. There is only so much that trained professionals, let alone we mere mortals can do.
There seems to be near universal agreement among Christian leaders that the real crime is not in the thoughts but in the actions.

 

[rwsmith]

Providence.....

My mother passed away December 7, 2023. She was 92 years old and in poor physical condition. She could barely walk due to severely arthritic knees and drop foot. She was practically deaf and felt bad all the time. She confided that she no longer enjoyed life. On November 30th, she suffered a stroke and began having seizures. The doctors had EEG leads put on her head to monitor the seizure activity. She was having several per hour lasting 50 to 70 seconds. She would periodically experience clarity and we hoped for a good recovery. While undergoing an MRI she had a massive stroke and went into a nonresponsive state. We agreed to hospice care after a six-day bedside vigil. I loved my mother and hated seeing her like this. She was a born-again Christian woman. I began praying for God to take her home and stop her suffering. He granted those prayers. She died peacefully in hospice. Now I'm having intrusive thoughts telling me I did what I did because she was a burden. This is untrue. Why do we have these terrible thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this? It is one heavy cross to bear.

You had no bearing at all on the situation. All was done according to the order of things. I think that if you were in the same condition, you would welcome leaving this world for the next. It's the living that suffer the most from the loss of loved ones. Both of my parents have been gone, they lived full lives and for that I'm grateful. Prayers for you and your family.

 

[Krogen]

Doug, I can feel your pain. Been there. You prayed for God to ease her suffering. He did. He did it for her. We can always ask God to do things, but in reality, it's completely His decision. If it wasn't time, He wouldn't have taken her. It was time, so he did. You can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you wanted only the best for her. You didn't want her to suffer.

I wish you strength, comfort and peace.

 

[Oldengineer]

Many kind words. This is tough business. Here’s how it works; you are born, you live, and you die. The first and last event are out of your control. The only event that’s negotiable is how you live. Celebrate life without regrets. I’m told that there is nothing to be afraid of with death. Your mom is in a much better place. I miss my mom, dad, two brothers, and a sister terribly. I can’t wait to see them.