seagill
US Veteran
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR:
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure
you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much
water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am
while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 PM.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers,
man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty
all trashcans over the fantail.)
18. Have your neighbor collect all your
mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item
before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different
one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their
battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man
your battle stations.) 21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time
without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go
off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast
as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your
pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden
hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front
of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again 'Stove secured." Roll up
the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking
chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney
World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure
you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much
water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am
while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 PM.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers,
man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty
all trashcans over the fantail.)
18. Have your neighbor collect all your
mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item
before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different
one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their
battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man
your battle stations.) 21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time
without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go
off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast
as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your
pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden
hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front
of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again 'Stove secured." Roll up
the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking
chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney
World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
