HUGE argument with wife

dcxplant

dcxplant

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....man this was the worst ever.

She has always been a supporter of me and my shooting, guns, all that.

Until now. Last Friday, and the ensuing media blasting and mass hysteria/grieving she has taken a complete 180deg turn.

I asked her tonight why she was so quiet. She said she didn't want to talk about it, and boy, I should have left that dog lying asleep.

But, noooooo, I had to press. She is so angry over the tragedy, she is completely shut off from any discussion of it. I tried to talk about fact, stats, but she just turned her anger on me.

I think they call that 'transference'. She is so mad at what happened when I tried to remind her why I/we support gun rights she turned that anger right onto me so fast I didn't know what happened.

Then I said something about not bringing emotions into a rational discussion and that's when the proverbial cast iron frying pan got thrown at me, metaphorically speaking.

I am very hurt by her 180 and her lashing out, and we are both angry and hurt with each other. Bad night.

We all have a tough row to hoe on this one folks....... My wife is normally a very unemotional, rational thinker (From South Bend Indiana after all!). So for her to get this worked up, I can't imagine what "normal" people are going through.

Anyway, thanks for "listening".
 
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I think the horrible slaughter of little children makes this tragedy especially hard to comprehend for women/mothers. I believe there's an almost primal need to seek a simple, physical fix that promises that such a thing can never happen again. Anyone who has ever looked into the dead eyes of evil know there is no easy answer, but that's not going to be easy for a mother to accept. Give her lots of hugs and wait a week to talk about it.
 
I can totally relate DCX...Had a VERY similar "discussion" with my wife after the Aurora shootings. She too had always been supportive of my views, but something snapped in her after that shooting (we haven't even discussed the most recent shooting other than to agree that it sickens us both). After Aurora she started going off out of the blue about how we don't need "assault rifles". I tried to argue that assault rifle is just a media term, asked her to define what she would ban, and where to draw the line...all my usual logic. It just made her madder and the discussion deteriorated. I agree that a lot of normally rational people are starting to slip. There is such a knee-jerk "need" to do SOMETHING, as Obama so carefully put it last night that many people are starting to slip. I don't even know how to argue any more. How do you argue when they say "if it could just save ONE child"? I don't believe any gun, mag, or other restrictions will save anyone, but those poor slaughtered victims make for a pretty powerful emotional argument for a lot of rational folks.
 
Huh, I don't understand the over the top emotional stuff.
It was a sad thing, but me and mine aren't distraught or invested in it.
Heck, she and I went shooting today.
Maybe you need to get her away from the TV and away from all the sensationalistic coverage.
How do you argue when they say "if it could just save ONE child"?
Click to expand...
It's not about an inanimate object, it's about the evil and insane that are out there, and no amount of laws can protect us from them.
 
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Yup, and we've been trying like hell to have another baby.

Several rounds of IUI, and a failed IVF round/miscarriage. We've tried everything but a donor egg.

In fact she's in with the 3 year old cuddling as we "speak".

I figured I was doing something wrong....I can be a mite obtuse sometimes, so thanks.
 
I'm sorry to hear that man. My wife isn't exactly a gun cheerleader, but she understands the realities of life and she can I guess read the tea leaves and sees what is coming. If fact, only 6-8 years ago was on the opposite side of the argument. I say give it time. This tragedy has even effected my own family. It is emotionally draining to have it constantly in your face online and on tv. I say give it some time and talk about other things.... I hope that helps anyway.
 
Sorry, I meant 'respond with quote' to P&R Fan.

--------------------

Gunslinger, we don't watch TV in our house, except prerecorded shows and movies. Normally this is the advise I would prescribe as well. But unfortunately, you can't keep people in an underground bomb shelter with the lights off......

Because it was a group of kids, she gravitated to the story, and has emotionally latched onto it.
 
Wait for the fire to die down a bit.... its still to soon. No decision on guns should be made right now.
A10 said:
No logic will win the argument at this point. Emotions are running too high. The anti gun side uses emotions to try to win their point.

So, 3,400 kids between the ages of 13 and 18 died in car accidents in 2010. Do we ban cars?
Click to expand...

Only the black scary cars kill people right? The ones that go over the speed limit that are only made for killing people.
 
it's a sore topic to be sure.
My wife and I managed our way through the issue fairly well so far.
The thing is, it's being pounded into her relentlessly by the media.
Victories are limited in nature. The greatest battle to win is to get her face out of the TV. Children died at the hands of a whackjob. It sucks. the rest is unnecessary. shut it the &#^@ off.
 
Projection is what she is doing, not transference, as I understand it. As we know, women are about relationships, and men are about goals. In this case, she was running over with emotions, and you, being a guy, were trying to "fix that." Better to wait. This "most wonderful time of the year" just makes the whole thing worse. When you finally find the right moment, talk about her feelings, and the souls involved; stay away from the "gun thing" even if she brings that into the conversation. Just side step as best you can. If she was that stricken by this event, it may have been healthy for her to ventilate her emotions, and part of being a husband is being there to be ventilated upon. As soon as this thing occurred, we prayed and stayed away from any and all media that broadcast anything related to it. Still haven't watched the news, while they wring every dollar they can from it. I can tell you that there is a psychological/emotional price paid by everyone who watches a continual stream of this stuff. I'm not an advise giver; this is what I do-hope it helped. I try to understand, rather than strive to be understood. Flapjack.
 
Thanks, amazingflapjack. I didn't handle that well at all. All spouses should know that one of the things they are signing up for is to be the whippin' post from time to time.

It looks like I was just as emotional about this as she is. I've been on the defense since Fri with just about every one I know that isn't an avid shooter.
 
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I got into a very serious argument on Facebook tonight over this subject...it is very emotional for many people, and when children are being buried, one cannot discuss it logically.

I just hope things settle down, and logical thought takes over, before legislation starts making its way through Congress.
 
Just leave it alone for now. If she wants to talk about it later, then do more listening than speaking. Let the dust settle and meanwhile, be completely nuetral in your tone and demeanor... don't act like nothing's wrong, but don't act like everything's wrong. Maybe at some point you'll be let down off the high wire. Or at least be allowed to perform with a net...
 
My Pastor gave me some good advice once. He said, "In any Marital argument, the man should ALWAYS get in the last word.......The last word is ALWAYS, Yes Dear".:eek:
Ok, that's two words, but you get my drift.

Sometimes, you just hafta let her win.
Jim
 
This is rough. I hope you're spilling your guts here just because this happened and not because you feel defensive a little. Someone mentioned projection. I don't know the the clinical word for what your wife is doing but I don't think it's projection. That's usually when someone accuses you of something that they themselves are actually guilty of and it takes the heat off them.
I won't tolerate being made an acomplice to the acts of some zit faced punk loser on the other side of the continent. Whatever comes of this, don't get defensive. But you of course have to be sensitive to what she's going through. If this continues, though, and you have to take the rap for the actions of other people just because your wife absorbs the barrage of lies telling her everyone who owns a gun is responsible for this, you're going to have to stand up against it. When does it end?
I'd wait a couple days and then say, "Honey. I'm going to the range." Then go shooting and come home. If you have to walk on eggshells from now on that's like admitting you are an accomplice to this. I'm not saying you will and know you are just expressing a major dillemna here, but we cannot be held responsible for what other people do. Simple for me to say, sure. My wife is as pragmatic and logical as before but I know i have relatives who think just like your wife but won't tell me. And personally, I don't give a .....if they think that. but wives are a different story. They are half of us.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your marital strife. Hopefully she'll come around soon.


My wife hit the nail right on the head. She realizes that people are the problem and no amount of new laws will make a difference.
She was talking to our 9 year old and told her "Some people are just bad people. Some people are just evil."
Even my daughters (9 and 5) realize you can't blame the guns.

My wife supports my gun ownership and she also supports our daughters learning how to handle guns and form their own opinions of them. So far, we're off to a great start.
 
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