So who else had lousy parents?

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BLACKHAWKNJ

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Seeing the postings from board members on the anguish they feel when a parent is ill or dying, or the fond memories they have prompts me to demand equal time for those of us on the other side that fence-the "I Had Lousy Parents" Club.
I was a Member in Good Standing. My parents divorced when I was 6-my old man ran off with his girlfriend, started a new family with her, my brother and I didn't see him again till I was 10 and that was only because my grandmother wanted to see us again. We spent a little time with that side of the family, getting re-acquainted, then she departed this life-and that severed all ties between us. My final memory of him is unpleasant-he was two-faced. Nice to us in front of the second wife and other family members, when they weren't around, he showed his real face.
My mother thought so little of men that when I graduated college and got my 2nd Lieutenant bars through Army ROTC she refused to attend-didn't even buy me a graduation present. That weekend I had to break a date to take her shopping. She ruined college for me. I had to work continually and often excessively because she wouldn't make the sacrifices necessary-like taking a second job and quitting smoking. I recall something a classmate said-a pre-med student. When I asked him why he wasn't a commuting student because I knew he didn't like campus life and I thought it might be good if his recently widowed mother had him at home, he replied with considerable weariness in his voice "I can't get any studying done at home." And that's exactly what happened to me. I did make the Dean's List once. I attribute that to two factors. One, I was collecting unemployment so my income was adequate and I didn't have the strains imposed by working, the other-my car wasn't running so I wasn't constantly chauffeuring her around. My post
college education didn't go smoothly for the same reasons-no financial support and NO moral support.
I later figured out that between 1957 when I was in the 2nd grade and 1976 when I graduated from college, she attended ONE school event I was in-my HS graduation. I was in some in some revues and plays in high school-she boycotted them all. (We lived about a half a mile from the school.) When I was in the 3rd grade we lived across the street from my grammar school-she and my grandmother sent me over by myself for the holiday pageant.
I was in the Boy Scouts, earned my Eagle Badge-she attended only one Court of Honor-the one where I got my Eagle Badge. Which I didn't-I was in the Army at the time. Some of the other parents literally dragged her there.
She also boycotted my SIL's college graduation, so I wasn't the only one.
A year after her passing I was spending the evening with mutual friends.
After dinner we settled in the living room, and the man gave me a long, hard look and said:
"Your mother didn't think much of you. You were the type of son a lot of parents would have been overjoyed to have, all she ever did was complain about you. I never heard her say one kind or complimentary thing about you."
At that moment, the scales fell from my eyes, the clouds opened up-and I felt a pair of long grey ears growing out of the side of my head and I realized that I Had Been Had.
 
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Obviously you have moved on and recovered. God bless you and heal your scars.
Cathartic to vent. Hope all is well with you!
 
It's a shame. Some people just don't deserve children. But you made it through it all, it only made you stronger. If you have children, make sure to be there for them :)
 
I had a strange upbringing. My father was a cop in a small town, kind of like Mayberry but slightly up market. I recall growing up for a while with my two older sisters which was different as we all never did anything together. They would do stuff at school together and I would do something myself. I remember going fishing or after frogs of Lake Champlain when I was about 5 or 6 years old. My father and I were close, I would say. I recall when my mother worked my father taking me along in the police car when he was on duty (try that now). I remember brush fires mostly, that was about all that ever happened in town. Well about the time I was 8 my parents split up for a while, I didn't know why, my sisters did but they never said. Then they got back together for a while. I remember one night when my mother said we were leaving. We packed up a U-haul and left town with our belongings and moved two hours south to live with my grandparents. I never got to say good bye to anyone I knew and have only been back home a dozen times over the years. It turns out that my father was cheating on my mother and wanted to marry his girlfriend.
After that my father would visit on weekends occasionally and sometimes take my sisters and sometimes me. Then when I was nine we had a miscommunication and we missed him. The last time I saw him he was driving the other way. I have never seen him since.
My mother hooked up with a truck driver who at first seemed like the nicest guy. My sisters and him did not get along so they moved north with my father and his new wife. I have only seen my oldest sister four or five times in the last twenty something years. We never got along well anyway.
My mother married my stepfather, and the nice guy turned into a verbally abusive con man. Over the years he cheated on her many times, stole money from people including me and conned many others along the way into giving him more. We never got along well as I didn't care for his perverted nature and awful temper. He offered to have me take over his business when I got out of high school, well that business was sinking in debt, he owed (still does over 100K to the IRS) money to everyone and no one respected him so I refused. He really disliked me after that. My mother would leave and go back, don't know what she ever saw in the man. He used to beat me until I got big enough where he realized he would get hurt if he tried it some more. After that he left me alone. I worked all the time after school and he was on the road so I never saw him. A few years ago they had a pretty bad break up and I thought he was gone for sure but she took him back. I knew it wasn't going to last deep down. Then after my son was born he really took to him, or so I thought. Almost two years ago the wife and I and the boy were down at my parents and we went to a local fair, but something was wrong and you knew he was his old self. When he didn't want to be somewhere he rushed you through all the exhibits. He used to do the same thing when he took me places. We walked whole car shows in 15 minutes. The next day we got a call from him that he had enough and was leaving but wanted to make sure that he could still see us. The wife made an attempt to get together and called him so we could see him, and we never heard back. My mother said he called and wanted nothing to do with me, the wife and what's worse, my son who he had pretended to fawn over for nearly two years of his life. I told my mother he would not be welcome around us and not near my son as I would not let him confuse a little boy who had done nothing to deserve to be shut out. They finally got divorced but only after he got physical and hit her. She tried to have him arrested but the cop would not arrest him. She had an OOP for a while and when it expired he started following and harassing her, something that still continues. She is trying to get another OOP and had called the cops, they have done little since he lives nearby. Hopefully she gets the jerk on video as I have suggested.
Good parents can help shape a kid's life but bad parents do not mean the kids need to turn out bad. I knew I did not want to be life my stepfather or my father in many aspects. I know that what I have learned will hopefully make me a better parent to my son. Life is not fair and it is never easy when you are a kid.
Life has a way of making the expected that which never happens and the unexpected that which your life becomes.
 
BlackhawkNJ, you sound like you have done very well for the circumstances you grew up in. God bless.
It is good to talk about it.
My father was an abusive drunk, I won't even bother with the details. Thank God my mother was an honest, hardworking mother.
Good post David.
 
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My parents wernt 'bad' they just didnt do parents - kids things so i felt more babysitted than anything. We would take vacations sometimes but overall my dad didnt play sports with me nor take interest in anything i was into....you know ...father/son time. We never played catch or go fishing or shooting. His idea of father/son time was for me to sit quietly while he watched hockey. Eventually he tried to bond, talking about girls and drugs and stuff you talk to your son about as he's growing up, but by that time i was 18-20 years old and had enough friends and wasnt looking for any more. I see my dad often but we dont talk much....not much in common. We could be in the same house for a week and only say "hey" every so often. Within the last few years he tried to get me to go with him to a bar for a beer or to his local poker game. After much nagging i finally gave up and went to a bar with him. We ordered and just sat there with nothing to say. After that i was done. I know what he's trying to do but im not 10 anymore and dont need a father figure. I learned about life without his help or guidance. To be fair he was and is a nice man, just not much of a father.

My mom was better but also not much time for my sister and I. No one had time or desire for us to do anything or go anywhere. My summers and school vacations were limited to going to a friend's house down the street. Once they did what i wanted and signed me up for minor league baseball but no one could ever drive me so i had to find rides which ment i played only a few games.

It didnt help that my parents are immigrants and thought a lot of things were "dumb".

My childhood was not a horrible one, there many kids who had it worse, it was just not much of a childhood unless you consider tv and monopoly with your sister fun. They did sign me up for an away camp once. I spent 2 months in the mountains of Monticello NY. That was fun but looking back at it it was more of a "get him out of our hair for the summer"

When i became a teen my dad got real strict. I wasnt allowed out late if at all because he was afraid that everyone would have a negative influence on me. Made for a very awkward high school years. No proms, no nothing. Weekends home by 9, 10 at the latest.

Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk 2
 
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I can't complain

Family life was rough, but my folks were dedicated and I had both of them up until a few years ago. My father drank too much, but I never blamed him because he had to work so hard, except when he took his frustrations out on others which was kinda often. We didn't have much but they fed us really good.
 
Arik said:
my dad didnt play sports with me nor take interest in anything i was into....you know ...father/son time. We never played catch or go fishing or shooting. His idea of father/son time was for me to sit quietly while he watched hockey ... We could be in the same house for a week and only say "hey" every so often ... No one had time or desire for us to do anything or go anywhere. My summers and school vacations were limited to going to a friend's house down the street.

It didnt help that my parents are immigrants and thought a lot of things were "dumb".

My childhood was not a horrible one, there many kids who had it worse, it was just not much of a childhood unless you consider tv and monopoly with your sister fun.
Click to expand...

I can relate to all this.

Long story short, until I went on vacation with a high school friend and his family when I was a teenager, I thought it was normal for parents to not talk to their kids or each other. I mean LITERALLY never in the case of my dad and me, him and my brother, and me and my brother. It stunted my personal growth and makes it hard to develop personal relationships. Girlfriends in college would say "it's amazing you're as normal as you are" LOL. When I went on vacation with my friend I was amazed that all the family members not only talked to each other for hours on end but actually ENJOYED spending time with each other. I had never seen anything like it.

A lot of people had it worse, but being practically ignored during your formative years will mess you up.
 
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Blackhawk, tough story, I'm sorry you have that situation to deal with. So much damage when parents don't provide a child with a loving/trusting environment. Do you have children?

I know that everything I am in life is because I have two parents that did their best for me and my three siblings. They were not perfect, but we know they did their best, taught us core values of respect, honesty, and what it means to work hard and be thankful. My Dad also taught me to be kind, but also tough, and not to take any **** from anyone. These things have served me well.

I worked my way through college. During the school year I worked full time M-F on the 3:00 - 11:00 shift, I was a custodian. I was embarrassed by the job, and nobody that I went to college with knew what I did at night, but it was decent money. On the weekends I worked at a truck rental business, pumping trucks full of diesel, washing trucks, and filling in on the front counter doing rental agreements. I worked all day Saturday and Sunday at that job.

I arranged my school schedule so I had early classes, and got out around noon. I would go to the library and study until I had to get to work at 3:00. It was a grind, but I had the energy (I would run at night, or play hockey, after work...). I graduated college with honors.

During the summer my custodian job switched to 7:00am - 3:00 pm shift M-F, and I still did weekends at the truck rental business. Through contacts made at the truck rental company, I started my own little business detailing cars; did that in the late afternoon/early evenings, and made some good money. After a while, I started detailing boats, and made even better money. I also did side jobs with my father.

I worked this much because I could never reconcile asking my parents for money for school, car, insurance, expenses, etc. My dad worked his butt off, made good money, and we lived well, but I just hated taking their money when I could make my own. Plus, I liked having $$ in my pocket. My mom did give me a gas card to use, when I needed it, but I never really had the heart to use it. They also paid some tuition. They did what they could, and I did what I could...

I wish I could have screwed around more in college, like so many other kids, but I have no regrets, and no complaints. This experience helped me excel in my career field, and I have done well...

Again, I thank my folks for establishing a work ethic, and set of values in me. I realize I'm fortunate to have this, and truly feel bad for people that have irresponsible parents. I've got two young children, and I love being their dad. My wife and I spend every chance we can with them. I have to admit, I enjoy spoiling them a bit...
 
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My parents weren't 'Ward & June' clones nor modeled after 'Ozzie & Harriet' so I guess I got short changed also.

I grew up during, & post WW II years when all were expected to pull their own weight. My folks didn't have time for play, they worked to put food on the table for us. I was 3rd of 4 & first worked for farm wages when I was 8.

If I had known then what I know now, life could have been different, but I expect it wouldn't have worked. My dad & mom both would have SLAPPED me silly if I suggested welfare or any other hand-out program.

Boy-oh-boy have we come a far piece, no longer are kids taught to earn their own way. Somewhere along about post teen years & pre-adulthood, the responsibility for their every need transfers from parents to the GOV.

Edit: I posted the above with a little sarcasm intended. I dearly loved my parents & miss them terribly,

My father passed in 1956 at 64 & worked his bunns off for us all 'till his final days.

He took very little leave time & his usual week in the summer was to take us boys fishing & camping. My fondest memories are of those outings :)

My mother was a worker bee, I don't remember her taking any personal time. My aunt (mother's youngest sister) lived with us & graduated High School about the time I started grade school. She was a stay-at-home mom & took in any or all who needed care. I don't remember in my childhood years of ever having a babysitter!
My Mom was always there & DAMN do I miss Her.

'Scuse me now, I gots sumpen in my eye - -
 
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I learned early to enjoy what I had and to make it last. Since new stuff wasn't a vast occurance around our house, I developed an imaginiation and learned how to meet people and get along with them. I can get along with almost anyone even if I don't want to. The older I get, the less I want to get along unless a brain is present.
 
Mine weren't bad, just indifferent.
I learned at an early age how to feed (and shop), clothe, wash, and take care of myself.
They had things to do, and I was always quite happy on my own.
 
My mom died when I was 6, and my dad was the product of WWII, German born.

He spent the ages 16--18 fighting in Russia and being a Gulag prisoner of war, escaping, making his way back to the family farm where his brother was shot in the head by drunken Russian soldiers, his father captured by Americans and his mother, aunt, and sister gang-raped daily. They made it to Berlin, and had to cross a bridge to the Allied sector (wall was just barbed wire then) under machine gun fire at them, as well as cross-fire between the allies trying to provide cover fire, and the Russians.

He is a damaged person, and while he did his best, he was overwhelmed by being a single dad, and working his rear end off trying to stay afloat.

I spent most days during grade school walking to the neighbor's house for breakfast, walking to school with their kids, and after school I let myself in and put myself to bed. I don't even remember how or what I managed to eat. I had a piece of yard around my neck with a housekey, and whenever it broke (and the key lost) I would get all heck unleashed at me because I was so irresponsible, while at my age my dad had to do x,y, and z.

I was emotionally a wreck from the loss of my mother, the only stabilizing and nurturing force in my life, and had incredibly bad nightmares for years and years. Dad did put in a fish tank which helped a lot, but I was ridiculed again for being irresponsible and not cleaning the tank (as an 7-8 year old...)

He had no time for playing with me. I was in plays and played trumpet in band, but he never came. I would sit alone listening to his jazz record collection, and learning Louis Armstrong songs that had octaves I could play for hours and hours.

On weekends he went out, drinking with hard-core men and German friends with very fascist and radical political beliefs. He drank a lot.

I did very poorly in school, and he never once helped me with homework, made sure that I did mine, or helped me develop good academic habits. When the report cards came in, I got the belt. I got the belt very forcefully for any number of reasons....

During high school I was left to my own devices. I stayed out all night, drove around drunk as a skunk with easy girls and was arrested a couple of times, once for B&E, but the cops had mercy and let me go with no charges after a few hours in the local pokey (I never did that again...never arrested since!). I was a total party animal and graduated only because my girlfriend (whom I loved dearly) withheld sex unless I did the school work required to graduate.

Not once did my dad act like he cared about anything I did.

At 17 and within two weeks of graduation I left the house after joining the Marines (dad signed the papers). I turned 18 in bootcamp. I learned a trade (aircraft mechanic), learned that I was punk kid that didn't know jack-squat, and counted the days until I could get to college because cleaning toilets, pulling KP and guard duty SUCKED. Being enlisted, SUCKED. I traveled the world and it opened my eyes.

After my hitch I graduated college with honors, got my pilot certificate and ratings, and now fly a Boeing 757.

Dad mellowed over time, thank God. We are very close now, and I have been able to chip through the bitter and tough wall he has around his heart. He is a very tender-hearted guy who had a bad hand of cards and did the best he could.

He did manage a few very good things with me. He taught me to be good. He taught me to work hard. He taught me to never, ever give up (he is, and we are, survivors). He taught me to keep my head up, and think positive.

The best thing he taught me was to visualize. Before any of the talk these days of visualization, dad was preaching it to me. He taught me to visual an outcome, and to go over in my minds eye what the reality of a goal is like, for real. It always works. All of my goals that I have intently visualized have been achieved. To this day I can wake up at any desired time just by visualizing what time I want to get up, no alarm clock.

These days he has a huge respect for me, and for my life. He brags about me to everyone who will listen and even those that won't!

It took a lot of work on my part, but he even tells me he loves me sometimes, and gets choked up thinking how happy he is for me.

One thing I learned myself, and from watching my dad's life, is that no matter what life brings you, you have to MOVE ON. You can't get stuck.

So despite being an absentee father, he did manage to get some stuff into my head that has served me well.

Imagine if I had had is full attention!!!

I could have been President:D
 
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Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and despite that fact do it anyway.

When I got married and had kids I vowed to myself that I would be a better parent to my kids then mine were to me. I also tried and succeeded for the most part in correcting many of the mistakes my parents had made with me. I hope I was successful!
 
My Mom was 23yo with 3 boys to raise. My Dad walked out. She was glad to see him go. I had very good Grandparents that stepped up and made sure my brothers and I had a roof over our heads and food on the table.
 
When judging one's parents it is important to remember that the goals, aspirations and dreams of the parent are often worlds apart from those of the child. Many of our parents, especially for those of us born during WWII, were young and often having children under difficult and trying circumstances. The massive social services network we are surrounded with today just didn't exist. Many of them were children having children with no blueprint.
Being part of that generation, I learned at a very early age that I was essentially responsible for myself. Yes, my parents had a legal and moral responsibility for my wellbeing, but I was responsible for my own happiness and still am today. I can certainly empathize with the OP but it sounds as if very early on he started to compare his life to those of others around him and judging his parents by that standard and he found it lacking. There is a back story there he has never considered, but if uncovered might provide a lot of answers and perhaps some peace of mind. Perhaps your father found your mother as difficult to live with as you did. Maybe he left to prevent an even greater tragedy. Who knows? Certainly worth considering before writing off your entire family as worthless.
 
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