The wit of Phyllis Diller

[walkin jack]

Here are a few from one of the funniest ladies in the business.


Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because
11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab
without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis
Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties
is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day
I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about
my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through
your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just
look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my
scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend
lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving
was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast.
Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the
bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady,
three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is
so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

 

[RonJ]

I like reading her material a lot better than I do watching it.
Just too abrasive for my taste.

 

[Alpo]

Find a copy of a Bob Hope movie called "Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number".

Phyllis is his maid, and there is one scene where she is running around the kitchen wearing this floppy outfit that I believe were referred to, back then, as "lounging panamas". Now, they are fine, until she takes off her apron.

She is wearing black bikini panties, which show clearly through the pale pink pajama pants.

Phyllis Diller in black bikini underwear. THE HORRORS!!!



This outfit.
http://www.elkesommeronline.com/en/filmfotos/boydidiget3.htm

 

[DeathGrip]

Find a copy of a Bob Hope movie called "Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number".

Phyllis is his maid, and there is one scene where she is running around the kitchen wearing this floppy outfit that I believe were referred to, back then, as "lounging panamas". Now, they are fine, until she takes off her apron.

She is wearing black bikini panties, which show clearly through the pale pink pajama pants.

Phyllis Diller in black bikini underwear. THE HORRORS!!!



This outfit.
Elke Sommer: Filmfotos - Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number Image 3

Who was looking at Phyllis? Elke Sommer was hot!

 

[mjr]

Some of her lines were truly funny, but I too think they're better read than watched. I always found her performance persona really annoying. But then I didn't like Jerry Seinfeld much, either.