To abandon a friend
- Thread starter WuzzFuzz
- Start date
Just sayin' 
Wuzz, you seem to be a kind, caring, come-at-ya-straight-on kinda guy. You have allowed someone in your heart and now it hurts. I know nothing of alcoholism but I do know heartache.
Tell him why you are cutting ties. Tell him, he hasn't lost a friend but a companion. As stated above, when doors start closing it may shake him enough to face who he is. Just be ready when that happens.
Wish you well brother.
Tell him why you are cutting ties. Tell him, he hasn't lost a friend but a companion. As stated above, when doors start closing it may shake him enough to face who he is. Just be ready when that happens.
Wish you well brother.
I think the reality boils down to how much grief you can handle.A few of my old friends and my ex wife are alcoholics.They have all struggled with it for years and haven't been able to stay sober.Most can't beat it.Its a nasty disease.Knowing what I know now,I should have bailed out long ago (pre kids).The friends,I no longer deal with.The ex no longer deals with me,but I do get to pay the financial consequences of being invested with her throughout my years in business.I also get to spend a lot of time and energy trying to explain to my adult kids that the nastiness she directs towards them is the booze and her problem,not theirs.
I would walk away.Yea I'm bitter.
I would walk away.Yea I'm bitter.
Hellraiser
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Ya know... there are different "types" of drunks....
Me... I am a binge-drinker. I have never had a craving for booze... but when I start drinkin'... don't know when to stop. I am a mean-drunk, too. Never have mistreated wimmen, kids or animals... but I have been known to pick fights... no matter how big the other fella. Got my *** whupped, too... plenty times... but it never has stopped me when I was drinkin'. Local sheriff won't put me in the drunk tanks with others.
Over the years... my drinkin' has cost me health-issues... many friends... and a great deal of litigation-treasure. Still have a couple of leaky GSW's that stay infected and won't seem to heal.
I quit drinkin' oncest before... between Jan. 2009 and October 2012. Started back on a horse-ridin' trip standin' over Johnny Ringo's grave near Tombstone... on account of the superstition that you either leave two-bits on the grave... or drink to his memory. Just a stupid excuse for a person like me to take that first drink. From there... it just went downhill all over again.
Every bad thing that has ever happened to me... happened to me when I was drinkin'. I quit again on May 28th of this year. It will be 100 days if I live through Friday of this week.
Me... I am a binge-drinker. I have never had a craving for booze... but when I start drinkin'... don't know when to stop. I am a mean-drunk, too. Never have mistreated wimmen, kids or animals... but I have been known to pick fights... no matter how big the other fella. Got my *** whupped, too... plenty times... but it never has stopped me when I was drinkin'. Local sheriff won't put me in the drunk tanks with others.
Over the years... my drinkin' has cost me health-issues... many friends... and a great deal of litigation-treasure. Still have a couple of leaky GSW's that stay infected and won't seem to heal.
I quit drinkin' oncest before... between Jan. 2009 and October 2012. Started back on a horse-ridin' trip standin' over Johnny Ringo's grave near Tombstone... on account of the superstition that you either leave two-bits on the grave... or drink to his memory. Just a stupid excuse for a person like me to take that first drink. From there... it just went downhill all over again.
Every bad thing that has ever happened to me... happened to me when I was drinkin'. I quit again on May 28th of this year. It will be 100 days if I live through Friday of this week.
BLACKHAWKNJ
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I recall a book I read by Melvin Belli on divorce-which he knew a lot about.
One category was the "Drink or drugs are my true love." One bit of family lore I got was that my mother's maternal great-grandmother was an alcoholic. One day the great grandfather got fed up with it, put the three younger children in an Episcopal home till he could come for them, took the three older kids with him-and left. No one ever knew what became of the great-grandmother-and no one cared. I have never known anyone who had an alcoholic in the family-or a drug user-who found it amusing or enjoyable. One of Life's Great Lessons that I have learned is that some people are not worth bothering with. "As ye sow, so shall ye reap."
One category was the "Drink or drugs are my true love." One bit of family lore I got was that my mother's maternal great-grandmother was an alcoholic. One day the great grandfather got fed up with it, put the three younger children in an Episcopal home till he could come for them, took the three older kids with him-and left. No one ever knew what became of the great-grandmother-and no one cared. I have never known anyone who had an alcoholic in the family-or a drug user-who found it amusing or enjoyable. One of Life's Great Lessons that I have learned is that some people are not worth bothering with. "As ye sow, so shall ye reap."
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Level with him
That's what friends do. Tell him how it affects his family and remember how it was when his father was an alcoholic. He needs to be in a program like AA which has helped TONS of people. I think that is all you are obligated to, unless he saved your life or something.
I have a friend, highly intelligent, that I saw for the first time in 10 years a few weeks ago and he's now an alcoholic. He has had troubles, but he's adding himself to the list of casualties.
That's what friends do. Tell him how it affects his family and remember how it was when his father was an alcoholic. He needs to be in a program like AA which has helped TONS of people. I think that is all you are obligated to, unless he saved your life or something.
I have a friend, highly intelligent, that I saw for the first time in 10 years a few weeks ago and he's now an alcoholic. He has had troubles, but he's adding himself to the list of casualties.
V1 Rotate
Member
As someone who has had alcohol destroy my father and nearly destroy other members of my family, I believe that its proven the drinker will not make serious attempts to get out of the grips of alcohol UNTIL they start losing their loved ones and family. Most therapists will advise you to separate from the alcoholic before they destroy you. You can do this in a loving, compassionate manner and leave the door open for a reconciliation AFTER they start recovery.
Another big plus on Al-Anon. It can help save your life. Bill S
Another big plus on Al-Anon. It can help save your life. Bill S
A really tough issue here. My personal thought would be to lead him to the water of AA. If he won't drink that water, then rest easy that you've done what you could. You are not responsible for his actions - he is. His wife could benefit from Al-Anon.
And then I'd walk away from him - until he either comes to his senses and quits, or when you try to comfort his family at his funeral. As the police will tell you, intervening in family affairs, particularly where drinking is a factor, is one of the most dangerous things one can do. Don't try it. Bow out. That's the best advice I can give you.
Good luck.
John
And then I'd walk away from him - until he either comes to his senses and quits, or when you try to comfort his family at his funeral. As the police will tell you, intervening in family affairs, particularly where drinking is a factor, is one of the most dangerous things one can do. Don't try it. Bow out. That's the best advice I can give you.
Good luck.
John
BLACKHAWKNJ
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IMHO severing contact with a drunk, no different than cutting off a thief, a cheat, someone who insults or abuses you, etc.
labworm
US Veteran
I quit in 1986, the reason, just got tired of making a fool out of myself which everybody does. It was an easy task for me but not for everyone.
Same applies to other drug addictions, some make it some don't
Many times when at functions, every so often I will be insulted because I don't have my glass filled with alcohol, are these really my friends?.
If you drink around those with drinking problems, then friendship is a word you should never use.
As the song goes:
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
So many can analyze and criticize those members in society with this addiction.
But I do know, there are not 2 minds in this world that think exactly the same.
I realize if it becomes too unbearable, many will turn their backs and walk away. And there is nothing wrong in doing exactly that, or is there?
This is only my opinion.
Friendship, what a word.
Same applies to other drug addictions, some make it some don't
Many times when at functions, every so often I will be insulted because I don't have my glass filled with alcohol, are these really my friends?.
If you drink around those with drinking problems, then friendship is a word you should never use.
As the song goes:
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
So many can analyze and criticize those members in society with this addiction.
But I do know, there are not 2 minds in this world that think exactly the same.
I realize if it becomes too unbearable, many will turn their backs and walk away. And there is nothing wrong in doing exactly that, or is there?
This is only my opinion.
Friendship, what a word.
Friendship,as in any relationship,is a two way street.Every alcoholic Ive known has had no concept of that.Medicating their pain takes precedent over everything.And most of that pain is self inflicted.
We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are many thousands of men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no furthur aunthentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person. And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.
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Oh man....I know from most everyone's replies so far what my answers is/should be...
It's like having a cancer in your right arm. You know you have to cut off your arm in order to survive. You're sure going to miss that right arm. But.
I have dated two women in my past who were alcoholics. But they were different. I left and never called to tell them why, nor did they ever call and ask why I never came back around.
This man is different. I am having a harder time this time, to just up and abandon him. Even if I did sit down with him one day when he was sober, and tell him not to call me again, nor I to contact him, until he does stay sober. Yes it would be tough love, Very Tough..on me.
Yes Rusty53, this is causing me a heart ache. I know in my heart what most all of you have said about, tough love, or tell him why and let him sort it out, yet I will answer the phone and come back and support him if he ever should go to AA....But there lies another caveat to the problem. There is no AA anywhere near....He lives in the boon docks. The towns near by have no AA for him to attend. No others for him to mingle with for the support, that AA knows how best to deal with people who are alcoholics. For me and this 2nd "friend". We live over 600 miles away..I/we cannot give the personal support that would be required to give him.
And as far as giving support to his wife....Becoming involved in their personal affairs, is one I do chose to say out of. From prior police experience, giving her advice would be a No No. Or even support...No.. She knows the problem...probably much better than I do. But it is a heart ache to see and hear the language he uses around his kids...(They're early teen age'rs, an one really young one.) The kids know he is a alcoholic, how he acts when he's been drinking.
He said his father was a alcoholic, and now he is following in his fathers foot steps, and I'm sure his son will too. Maybe even his daughters will. I don't know. But usually, if there is a alcoholic in the family...father or mother, then good chances are one of the children will also become a alcoholic.
I can't set the world on fire. And right now, I know that I can't save him, until he wants to be saved.
I suppose this is a case to ask for prayers, that even just one be answered. He hears it and will take the steps necessary to follow a better path.
WuzzFuzz
It's like having a cancer in your right arm. You know you have to cut off your arm in order to survive. You're sure going to miss that right arm. But.
I have dated two women in my past who were alcoholics. But they were different. I left and never called to tell them why, nor did they ever call and ask why I never came back around.
This man is different. I am having a harder time this time, to just up and abandon him. Even if I did sit down with him one day when he was sober, and tell him not to call me again, nor I to contact him, until he does stay sober. Yes it would be tough love, Very Tough..on me.
Yes Rusty53, this is causing me a heart ache. I know in my heart what most all of you have said about, tough love, or tell him why and let him sort it out, yet I will answer the phone and come back and support him if he ever should go to AA....But there lies another caveat to the problem. There is no AA anywhere near....He lives in the boon docks. The towns near by have no AA for him to attend. No others for him to mingle with for the support, that AA knows how best to deal with people who are alcoholics. For me and this 2nd "friend". We live over 600 miles away..I/we cannot give the personal support that would be required to give him.
And as far as giving support to his wife....Becoming involved in their personal affairs, is one I do chose to say out of. From prior police experience, giving her advice would be a No No. Or even support...No.. She knows the problem...probably much better than I do. But it is a heart ache to see and hear the language he uses around his kids...(They're early teen age'rs, an one really young one.) The kids know he is a alcoholic, how he acts when he's been drinking.
He said his father was a alcoholic, and now he is following in his fathers foot steps, and I'm sure his son will too. Maybe even his daughters will. I don't know. But usually, if there is a alcoholic in the family...father or mother, then good chances are one of the children will also become a alcoholic.
I can't set the world on fire. And right now, I know that I can't save him, until he wants to be saved.
I suppose this is a case to ask for prayers, that even just one be answered. He hears it and will take the steps necessary to follow a better path.
WuzzFuzz
Then pray, I will.
midkansmithfan
Member
"shoulda is pointing you and his family in the right direction. Neither you nor his family are responsible for his behavior. The people around him are responsible for their own behavior and in this case Al-Anon can help,
What do you really want what's best for him or what feels best for you?
Coaltminer
Member
Oh, my dear Lord, experience is the best teacher. Alcoholism is the devil personified. Wish I had not been born with this gene, but there is a way out, called AA. Most will not succeed in this program, but it's worth a try for those that do. Alcoholism is an evil, patient, insidious, hungry consumer of my soul if I don't do something every day to keep it at bay. For me, it's prayer and AA, and I don't always win, so don't be too harsh, because I sure as hell don't want to be this way. Love you all
My philosophy on "helping" people is to "help people who are trying to help themselves", whether it be alcohol, drugs, finances, marriage, etc. If he really wants help, he needs to convince you that he is sincere............otherwise you'll just be an "object" he can use when convenient.
I was once told "There is a certain amount of good and a certain amount of bad in every person. You (me too) just have to decide if you want the "good" enough to put up with the "bad".
I was once told "There is a certain amount of good and a certain amount of bad in every person. You (me too) just have to decide if you want the "good" enough to put up with the "bad".
carpriver
US Veteran
I worked as a addiction counselor, You can't help people that are not ready to help themselves. The saying It is what it is. should be it is what it is .. until you decide to change it.
FUz you may be enabling him. You can be a friend when he is sober.
FUz you may be enabling him. You can be a friend when he is sober.
