joke of the day

[old bear]

John and his friend Shawn who live in England decided to take a trip to Scotland for a golfing weekend: The day was great but turned ugly about noon. Heavy rain, they knew they would not make their hotel so decided to see if they could find a place to stay for the night. They noticed a very nice farm house and turned in. Went to the door after, knocking a very attractive lady answered the door. They ask if she had a place for them to stay. Well gentleman I am a new Widow and I am not sure that is a good idea. You see my neighbors may get the wrong impression. But I do have a barn you may stay in it's nice and dry. Great we will take it they said.
The barn was great and the men bedded there for the night. If the weather was nice the next morning they would leave early to get on with their trip.
The next day was perfect and they went on with their trip having a great week end:::

Nine months later: John receives a letter from an Attorney from Scotland.. Puzzled he opens the envelope it had to do with the attractive lady.. He called his friend Shawn, somewhat dazed by the news.." Shawn do you remember our trip to Scotland and that lovely lady we met? Sure whats up? Well can I ask did you sneak out that night and go visit her.. Shawn did not say much at first but then confessed, John yes I did I am sorry buddy, I just did not think anyone would find out. Well, Shawn by any chance did you give her my name instead of your own? Shawn again hem haws around and finally admitting that he did.. I am sorry John I just did not figure anyone would find out.
That is OK Shawn I just got a letter from her attorney.She just died and left everything to me, saying thanks for the great evening.

Have a good weekend all.

 

[JSR III]

Two friends were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,"Amos, why is you wearing that fancy suit?"

Amos turns to his friend and says, "well today I is going in to git a vasectomy."

The friend says, "well I git that but why is you wearing that fancy suit?"

Amos replies, "well I figured if I was gonna be impotent, I should look impotent."

 

[G.T. Smith]

A guy wrecked his car and was in pretty bad shape but he was able to struggle his way to an old farm house. He crawled up on the porch, struggled to his feet and knocked on the door. A farmer opened the door and asked what he could do for the guy. The man explained that he had wrecked his car and needed a place to stay for the night 'till he could get help. The farmer said that he didn't have a beautiful daughter, and the guy asked, "how far is the next farm house"?
Peace,
gordon

 

[cussedemgun]

Three old guys

Three elderly gentlemen, rather aged & hearing impaired, were walking in the park one day.

First one said "windy today, isn't it?"

Second answered "no it's Thursday"

Third one said "Yah, me too, let's go get a beer"

 

[Salty RI]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

 

[shouldazagged]

A drunk staggers up to a parking meter, drops in a coin, and screams, "My God, I've lost a hundred fifty pounds!"

 

[bamabiker]

Old man comes home to find his wife sitting on the bed naked and ask what is she doing.
She says "I thought you might still want to see me in my birthday suit."
He says "Your suit needs ironing."

A wife tells her husband for their anniversary she wants something new and shiny and that goes from 0 to 200 in a few seconds.
Husband says "Fine, I'll get you a new bathroom scale."

 

[soFlaNative]

There's two fish in a tank and one says "How do you drive this thing?".

 

[7shooter]

True story.
A friend who is a divorce attorney in a big city told me this one. He was representing a woman from a south American country who had been here for 9 years. She still couldn't speak English. After she left the bailiff who is Cuban/American said he thought it was terrible that she hadn't learned the language. He remarked that he recently had met an Irish immigrant who had only been here two years and already had perfect English.

 

[soFlaNative]

Went looking for some camo pants.
Didn't see any.

 

[soFlaNative]

School started last week and in the speed zones I see a sign "Watch for Children".
I think to myself fair deal!

 

[Comrad]

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

 

[Lee's Landing Billy]

Two pals strolling in the swamp, one reaches over and picks up a frog. The frog says "Give me a kiss and I will turn into a beautiful Princess". The old boy sticks the frog in his overall bib and buttons it shut. His buddy says "Ain't you gonna kiss that frog and have a beautiful princess?" The old Boy says, "Hell, I'd rather have a talking frog".

 

[FPrice]

Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, "Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs".

 

[diamonback68]

My first wife left me and she even took the dog. Dang, I miss that dog.

 

[JSR III]

My first wife was an excellent housekeeper,...she kept the house.


The next time instead of getting married, I'm just gonna find a woman I hate and buy her a house.

 

[BaldEagle1313]

A wife tells her husband for their anniversary she wants something new and shiny and that goes from 0 to 200 in a few seconds.
Husband says "Fine, I'll get you a new bathroom scale."

He gets out of the hospital next week.

 

[scooterfiend]

another

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"

This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.

 

[JSR III]

Three guys walk into a bar. There's a Frenchman, a Jewish man and an Irishman.

They each order a beer.

The beers arrive and the Frenchman notices a fly in his beer. He yells out, "mon dieu, I cannot drink this" and pushes the beer back across the bar.

The Jewish man looks at his beer and also sees a fly. He yells out "Oy vey, I cannot drink this" and pushes his beer back across the bar.

The Irishman looks down at his beer and also sees a fly. He reaches down into the glass, grabbing the fly and while squeezing it he exclaims " spit it out, spit it out."

 

[Old TexMex]

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

My friend Buzzy wanted to start a conjunto band. I mentioned that he had no Mexican background, that he was acyually Polish....
Buzzy said "No problem. Conjunto music is just like polka, only played on stolen instruments."