How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.
A fish.
joke of the day
- Thread starter old bear
- Start date
jtcarm
Member
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Guns are better than wives because:
A gun never asks "do these stocks make me look fat?"
A gun doesn't care how many other guns you bring home.
You and your buddy can use each other's guns and everyone goes home happy.
You can trade an old 50 for some new 22s.
You can shoot a gun every day of the month.
A gun comes with a muzzle.
A gun never asks "do these stocks make me look fat?"
A gun doesn't care how many other guns you bring home.
You and your buddy can use each other's guns and everyone goes home happy.
You can trade an old 50 for some new 22s.
You can shoot a gun every day of the month.
A gun comes with a muzzle.
Jim1392
US Veteran
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'LL TELL YOU, BUT FIRST YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU TWO FINE MEDICAL STUDENTS THINK." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "WELL, I THOUGH IT WAS GAS - BUT I WAS WRONG, TOO!"
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'LL TELL YOU, BUT FIRST YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU TWO FINE MEDICAL STUDENTS THINK." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "WELL, I THOUGH IT WAS GAS - BUT I WAS WRONG, TOO!"
I don't know how I come across some of this stuff.
I was in a farm supply store in western Montgomery County, PA and came across a rack of bib overalls. I saw that they each had a rather colorful tag so I decided to take a closer look. On the tag was a picture of the cartoon donkey from the show opening and closing with the words "Official Suppliers of Bib Overalls to the Hee Haw Television Show." I lost it right there.
I was in a farm supply store in western Montgomery County, PA and came across a rack of bib overalls. I saw that they each had a rather colorful tag so I decided to take a closer look. On the tag was a picture of the cartoon donkey from the show opening and closing with the words "Official Suppliers of Bib Overalls to the Hee Haw Television Show." I lost it right there.
A gingerbread man went to the doctor and told him he had a sore leg. The gingerbread man said he tried heating it, but that didn't help.
The doctor said, "Have you tried icing?"
The doctor said, "Have you tried icing?"
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CalmerThanYou
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says "Hey did you know there is a drink named after you?
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?
The bartender says "Hey did you know there is a drink named after you?
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?
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The Hee Haw story above reminded me of a thought I had earlier today.
If you watched the show you probably remember the bit that started with several folks singing: "Woe, despair, and misery on me"......Now, it'd take some agreement with the folks who may own the rights, but I think that'd be a dandy intro to any remarks by Pelosi and//or Schumer.
If you watched the show you probably remember the bit that started with several folks singing: "Woe, despair, and misery on me"......Now, it'd take some agreement with the folks who may own the rights, but I think that'd be a dandy intro to any remarks by Pelosi and//or Schumer.
rog8732
US Veteran
An old preacher's car broke down. Shortly a fellow pulled up and asked if he could be of help.
The preacher told him his friend a few miles down the road owned a service station and would loan him his roll-back no charge if he could get over there.
The good samaritan agreed to take him and they set off. The preacher was a little concerned when the fellow blasted off 10 or 15 miles over the limit and coming to a full-red stop light the fellow never let up and blasted through the light picking up speed.
The preacher could not believe it... "My word son you ran that red light" !...yeah, me and my brother never stop for red lights" ! was the reply.
Another mile, another glaring red light, and this time, same thing only faster it seemed.
"My God in Heaven man, you didn't even slow down for the red light. Yep, me and my brother never stop for a red light".
Another short ride, the preacher is rethinking his choice of accepting a ride, and in the distance the preacher sees another red light. Beginning to mutter his favorite prayer he closes one eye and holds on tight.
Just as they get to the light it turns bright green and the driver slams on his brakes, all four tires sliding, and comes to a complete stop.
The preacher has had it. "Jesus Christ man, the light was full green, why did you stop ?" The good samaritan said " my BROTHER might be coming" .
The preacher told him his friend a few miles down the road owned a service station and would loan him his roll-back no charge if he could get over there.
The good samaritan agreed to take him and they set off. The preacher was a little concerned when the fellow blasted off 10 or 15 miles over the limit and coming to a full-red stop light the fellow never let up and blasted through the light picking up speed.
The preacher could not believe it... "My word son you ran that red light" !...yeah, me and my brother never stop for red lights" ! was the reply.
Another mile, another glaring red light, and this time, same thing only faster it seemed.
"My God in Heaven man, you didn't even slow down for the red light. Yep, me and my brother never stop for a red light".
Another short ride, the preacher is rethinking his choice of accepting a ride, and in the distance the preacher sees another red light. Beginning to mutter his favorite prayer he closes one eye and holds on tight.
Just as they get to the light it turns bright green and the driver slams on his brakes, all four tires sliding, and comes to a complete stop.
The preacher has had it. "Jesus Christ man, the light was full green, why did you stop ?" The good samaritan said " my BROTHER might be coming" .
TomkinsSP
Member
WR: Junior was purdier than her an smarter than him...
Gloom, despair and agony on me,
Deep dark depression, excessive misery,
If it weren't for bad luck,
I'd have no luck at all,
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Gloom, despair and agony on me,
Deep dark depression, excessive misery,
If it weren't for bad luck,
I'd have no luck at all,
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
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TomkinsSP
Member
A grandmother was walking with her grandchild on the beach.
A huge wave came and washed the child out to sea.
The lady fell to her knees, looked up to the heavens and cried out, "Dear God, if you return my grandchild I will do anything, anything..."
Another huge wave deposits the child safely on the beach.
The woman hugs and kisses the child and then looks to the heavens and says "She had a hat..."
A huge wave came and washed the child out to sea.
The lady fell to her knees, looked up to the heavens and cried out, "Dear God, if you return my grandchild I will do anything, anything..."
Another huge wave deposits the child safely on the beach.
The woman hugs and kisses the child and then looks to the heavens and says "She had a hat..."
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On the night before Christmas
all through the house
not a creature was stirring
not even a mouse stirred
all through the house
not a creature was stirring
not even a mouse stirred
Took me a second...
Jim1392
US Veteran
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.
"Good, then YOU fire her."
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.
"Good, then YOU fire her."
WHY WE HAVE ANGELS ON THE TOP OF CHRISTMAS TREES
One day up at the North Pole, Santa Claus was having an absolutely miserable day. He was yelling at Mrs. Claus, cussing out the elves and kicking the reindeer. After finishing a tirade, Santa saw a luminous angel carrying a beautiful Christmas tree flutter into his shop.
The angel asked, "Santa, what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
One day up at the North Pole, Santa Claus was having an absolutely miserable day. He was yelling at Mrs. Claus, cussing out the elves and kicking the reindeer. After finishing a tirade, Santa saw a luminous angel carrying a beautiful Christmas tree flutter into his shop.
The angel asked, "Santa, what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
