joke of the day

[Jim1392]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy...
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll
be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me."

 

[crazyphil]

In Rusty's cartoon I'm just wondering who sawed that log off so neatly,
and with what?

 

[Rustyt1953]

In Rusty's cartoon I'm just wondering who sawed that log off so neatly,
and with what?

 

[crazyphil]

An American pilot was shot down over enemy held territory and taken
prisoner. The prison camp commander said the war will soon be coming
to an end so instead of killing the prisoner we will have some fun with
him. They brought the pilot to the camp commander.

The commander said you see behind you there are three huts.
In the first hut you will find six bottles of vodka. You must drink all
of it in an hour.

Then if your able, you must go to the second hut where you will find
a tiger with a terrible toothache. Because of it, the tiger hasn't eaten
for three days. your job is to extract the sore tooth with you bare hands.
Again, you will have one hour.

Then, if able you may go to hut three. There you will find an exquisitely
beautiful young lady who has never been made love to. Again, you will
have one hour.

If you complete all three assignments you will be free to go.

The pilot rushes off to the first hut. About every 10 minutes an
empty bottle comes flying out the door of the hut. In less than an
hour he comes out with a big grin on his face and goes to the second
hut.

The tiger lets out a tremendous roar and continues to roar for nearly
an hour, but finally it gets quiet except you could hear the tiger purring.


The pilot stumble out of the hut, blood all over his face and uniform.
He walks up to the commander and offers a shaky salute and says
All right, now where is that girl with the toothache?

 

[erics]

It is a known fact that overweight women live longer than the husbands that mention it.

 

[Golddollar]

This really happened, I was there.

A young boy and his mother were visiting in Michigan on one of the Great Lakes. There were a lot of gulls flying overhead and the boy pointed up and said "Look Mommy! Dumpster chickens!"

I laughed for 10 minutes.

 

[jimbo728]

A duck goes to the pharmacy and asks for Chapstick.
The pharmacist asks, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck says, "Put it on my bill".
Jim

 

[jimbo728]

Little girl of 9 years goes to drug store and asks for 3 boxes of tampons.
Druggist in amazement asks, "Are these for you?"
"no", she answers. "They are for my brother".
Druggist exclaims, "Your brother?"
"yes" she says. " The ad says you can swim, dance and bathe with them and
my brother dont do any now".
Jim

 

[soFlaNative]

Dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

 

[BigBoy99]

This actually happened to me last year.


Just before last Christmas, I was at the ice skating rink and noticed a lady fighting with her screaming daughter, who didn't want to stop skating. Having white hair, a full white beard and am rather rotund, I approached the lady and asked the name of the screaming child. She replied, "Mary." I said, "I'm calling my brother at the North Pole tonight and have Mary put on the 'bad girl' list." Mary became totally silent and stopped fighting with her mother, permitting the removal of skates. The mother was beaming as she left with the totally docile child.

My wife said that I gave that child 5 years of therapy!

 

[Old TexMex]

Life has its moments of humor:
Dealing with SBA for a 1 1/4% loan (to make up the difference in my insurance payout versus costs of hurricane damage repair) the nice lady told me that the money MUST be spent only on repairs. She actually said "No trips to Vegas for you." I said I didn't gamble.
"No vacation in Paris, then" I said I only travelled for work.

"Not even Disney World?" she asked, I said nope.....
That lady signed the closing paperwork and says (with a wink)

"Shoot, you're no fun at ALL!"

I said, "well..... I am a bachelor...and I live right down the street..."

She said "Oh lordy, take these papers and get outta here right now!"

 

[Golddollar]

Farmer Schmidt was driving on the PA Turnpike when his truck was sideswiped by a large semi-truck. He decided to sue the trucking company.

The case went to trial. The trucking company (the defendant) was represented by a Philadelphia lawyer, all decked out in his $300.00 shoes and $800.00 suit. During the trial, the Philadelphia lawyer was cross-examining Mr. Schmidt (the plaintiff). The lawyer asked,"Mr. Schmidt, is it true that at the time of the alleged accident, when the attending State Trooper asked you about your condition, you replied, 'I'm fine.'?"

Mr. Schmidt replied, "Let me explain what happened . . ."

The lawyer interrupted, "Mr. Schmidt, you are not being responsive to my question. Again, is it true that at the time of the alleged accident, when the attending State Trooper asked you about your condition, you replied, 'I'm fine.'?"

Again, Mr. Schmidt replied, "Let me explain what happened . . ."

At this point, the Philadelphia lawyer blew a gasket. He shouted to the judge, "Your Honor, the plaintiff is being unresponsive to my question. He is trying to perpetrate a fraud upon my client and this Court. I am prepared to produce the attending State Trooper, and he will testify that when he asked the plaintiff about his condition, the plaintiff replied 'I'm fine."

By this time, the judge is becoming intrigued about what happened. So the judge said, "Mr. Schmidt, please tell us in your own words what happened."

Mr. Schmidt related, "Well Judge, I was driving my pickup truck on the Turnpike and pulling a trailer carrying my favorite mule, Maude. When that big truck hit me, the trailer broke off and went off one side of the road and my truck went off the other side. I was sitting there in my pickup truck and I could hear Maude carrying on and bawling on the other side of the road. Then I saw the police car come with its lights flashing, and the policeman got out and went over to where Maude was. Then I heard a shot, and Maude quit bawling. Then the policeman came over to me with his gun still smoking in his hand and said, 'Sir, your mule was in pretty bad shape, so I had to shoot it. How are you feeling?'"

 

[crazyphil]

The old country western singing star Eddy Arnold was known to be frugal.
He was undoubtedly a millionaire many times over, but he still only bought
used cars. He even mowed his own lawn.

One day he was mowing the front lawn and a lady stopped her car and
called him over to the car. She said young man I live right up the street
and my yard is just about the same size as this one. What would you
charge me to mow it?

After thinking briefly Eddy said Well Mam, the lady who lives here
lets me sleep with her.

 

[Warren Sear]

A guy walks into a bar. He said, "Bartender, give me something cold and full of gin."

The bartender sent his wife home with the guy.

 

[Jim1392]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: -

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!" -

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. -

"Matt's riding a new bike!" -

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!" -

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

[RenoGuy]

This'll sound familiar!

A couple are in a busy shopping center before Christmas.

The wife suddenly notices that her husband was missing and since they had a lot of shopping to do, she decided to call him on his cell phone.

When he answers, the wife says, "Where are you? You know we have a lot to do."

He says, "You know that little jewelry store we went into about ten years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?"
"I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Well, little tears started to run down her cheeks, and she got all choked up...

"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well," he says, "I'm in the gun shop next door."

 

[crazyphil]

Three sons were always trying to outdo each other with Christmas gifts
for their Mother.

Son #1 bought his Mom a very nice mink stole for 5 Grand.

Son #2 bought his Mom a diamond necklace $7,500

Son #3 Thought and searched and finally found the gift he was sure
would outdo the other 2 sons. A minah bird that could speak three
languages fluently.

Christmas morning Son # 1 called Mom asking how she liked the gift
he sent. She said Oh it's very nice and warm too.

Son #2 called. Mom said The necklace is just beautiful, I will wear it
with great pride.

Son #3 called. How did you like the bird Mom? It was just delicious,
said Mom.

 

[soFlaNative]

Three sons were always trying to outdo each other with Christmas gifts
for their Mother.

Son #1 bought his Mom a very nice mink stole for 5 Grand.

Son #2 bought his Mom a diamond necklace $7,500

Son #3 Thought and searched and finally found the gift he was sure
would outdo the other 2 sons. A minah bird that could speak three
languages fluently.

Christmas morning Son # 1 called Mom asking how she liked the gift
he sent. She said Oh it's very nice and warm too.

Son #2 called. Mom said The necklace is just beautiful, I will wear it
with great pride.

Son #3 called. How did you like the bird Mom? It was just delicious,
said Mom.

#3 say's "but Mom! That bird spoke three languages! How could you eat it ?!?"


"Well, if it was so smart why didn't it say something?"

 

[7tenz]

Q.Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
P.L.To get to the same side.

 

[oneounceload]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could be done.