My answer is better. Wait until Monday night. Everyone know the Lions never win on Monday nights.
joke of the day
- Thread starter old bear
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My answer is better. Wait until Monday night. Everyone know the Lions never win on Monday nights.
A nun and a novice were driving through the Irish countryside when a devil suddenly materialized on the hood of their car.
Novice: Oh My! What shall we do?
Nun: Quick! Show him your cross.
Novice: [Sticking her head out the window and screaming] Get your ugly self off of our car, you despicable creature!
Novice: Oh My! What shall we do?
Nun: Quick! Show him your cross.
Novice: [Sticking her head out the window and screaming] Get your ugly self off of our car, you despicable creature!
An Irish man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says we're having a special, $5.00 for an endless mug, you drink it, I fill it up as many times as you want. The guy puts $10 on the bar and says gimme two.
Regards,
turnerriver
Regards,
turnerriver
Not a joke, but saw a sign a while back. It was at a local community center, and said "Woman sale!"
I thought that was now illegal?
I thought that was now illegal?
flip flappy
Member
Two antennas get married. The ceremony wasn't out of the ordinary but the reception was great!
Sorry folks! That is the cleanest joke I know! I had typed out a long joke that is my all time favorite but deleted it before posting because it might have been a little vulgar.
Sorry folks! That is the cleanest joke I know! I had typed out a long joke that is my all time favorite but deleted it before posting because it might have been a little vulgar.
Jim1392
US Veteran
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Jim1392
US Veteran
Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says "I hate to be nosey, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion?"
One blonde replies, "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender asks "What's so special about that?"
To which the other blonde says, "Are you kidding? On the box it says 3 - 5 years."
One blonde replies, "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender asks "What's so special about that?"
To which the other blonde says, "Are you kidding? On the box it says 3 - 5 years."
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One day a Rabbi was walking and came upon the Town of Tridd,It was at the Base of a large Mountain.The Rabbi asked if Anyone ever climbed to the Top and One Tridd said They did once but a mean Giant kicked Them off,The Rabbi said that He would be happy to go up with Them and talk to the Giant so off They went up to the Top of the Mountain. As soon as They got there the Angry Giant ran up and Kicked all the Tridds off the Mountain.The Rabbi was concerned about what Happened and Asked the Giant why He did such a thing and the Giant replied, Silly Rabbi Kicks are for Tridds. (Sorry for the bad joke but its the only clean one I could think of).
Ole ran into Sven on the street and Sven says "Ole you need better shades on your windows in your house. I could see you and Lena kissing throught them last nite." Ole says " the jokes on you Sven, I wasn't even home last nite."
Stu1205
Member
Two friends were sitting and talking.
One asked the other, "What is the one thing you want to do most
before you die?
"Attend my ex wife's funeral," he replied.
One asked the other, "What is the one thing you want to do most
before you die?
"Attend my ex wife's funeral," he replied.
Tex1001
Member
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans'. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....10 gallons."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans'. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....10 gallons."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
Tex1001
Member
Almost forgot about this one:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
OLDSTER
Member
A priest returning from a wedding late on a rainy night failed to negotiate a corner and went into the ditch and rolled his car. He lay in the grass all beat up and bloodied. A well "oiled" driver coming from the other direction, returning home from a late night at the Moose Club noticed the overturned car in the ditch, and pulled over to see if he could help. When he saw the battered priest laying there, he asked " father are you all right?" The priest responded " yes son, I have the lord with me". Where upon the inebriated fellow replied " well father, you better let him ride with me; your gonna kill him". 
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Jim1392
US Veteran
Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.
The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."
Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."
Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The older I get, the funnier this gets.
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends and he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"
Regards,
turnerriver
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends and he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"
Regards,
turnerriver
Here's one my 13 year old daughter told me this morning:
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheburg.
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheburg.
dave holl
Absent Comrade
Back when John Cooper coached the Ohio State Buckeyes, this made the airwaves during a particular bad season............
What do Billy Graham and John Cooper have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people jump up and yell "JESUS CHRIST".
Dave
What do Billy Graham and John Cooper have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people jump up and yell "JESUS CHRIST".
Dave
Comrad
Member
Jim1392
US Veteran
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabu, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and with a smile, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and with a smile, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
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