As much as it bothers me to say it, I am seriously contemplating divorce.

It really breaks my heart, but at this point I really don't see any other way.

Pretty sure I'm gonna end up responsible for all the debt since everything is in my name, but at this point I'm pretty much okay with that.

I know it sounds funny, but I primarily worry about the dogs. She brought them into the marriage, so they belong to her. I just worry about them after the split.

About the only things I really want to walk away with are my cat, my guns, some family items, and some clothes.

Anyone else go through a bad divorce?

I completely understand if you would rather not share.

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Un-Reconstructed Southerner

I've thought about it, but as the Bible says, "It's cheaper to keep her".

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Why, I aughta.....

I've been through two. You NEED a strong, junk yard dog lawyer [EDIT: who will protect your interests above all else] knowledgeable about divorce. You will pay a lawyer, or you will pay her for the rest of your life, just my opinion based on experience.

Get a signed agreement between you and your lawyer on time and cost to get a completed divorce. The fee clock is running until a settlement is reached in the court room. If her lawyer won't reach an agreement, get one in the court room from the judge with you, your wife, and your lawyers present.

It IS about the MONEY, and who GETS it ! ! ! Just understand you are the source of all money.

EDIT: If your attorney is a Stanley Milktoast, you will get screwed by your attorney, her attorney, and the judge.

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S&WHF 366

"About the only things I really want to walk away with are my cat, my guns, some family items, and some clothes." If you can walk away with that much, consider yourself a lucky man.
I went through it twice and that's about all I left with and maybe a car and figured the rest is just "sticks and bricks" that can all be easily replaced in time. Then walk on brother.

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Dick

You know why divorce is so expensive?... Because it is worth it

Best of luck to you. Be greatful no kids are envolved.

I hope you can find a way to work it out instead.

But if not, my only advice at this point would be not to reveal the things you want to walk away with.

They might end up being the only things you don't.

Signed,

Twice divorced; third wife was the charm

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Ukraine -- now more than ever

It is a quasi free country. There is nothing stopping you from packing up, driving off, and just starting over.

From the wife side I'll give you a few pointers.
Keep your nose VERY clean, no hint of playing around.
Keep Your friends close and your guns closer.
Hopefully you have some assets(money) that she doesn't know about.
Get a good lawyer.

If 2 of my ex's had followed the above, I would have lost everything including my kids. I was seriously the "Bad" one. But neither of them
were smart enough to do things right, thank goodness.

I have never cheated or been otherwise disingenuous. I go to work and come home. Go work off duty and come home.

My wife is very controlling. That, coupled with low self esteem and bi polar disorder which she is "self medicating" has created an environment which I am increasing unable to tolerate.

I have two step daughters, 10 and 12. Their father is involved with their lives and makes his child support payments. I don't have a good relationship with the kids. My wife asks me to discipline, then goes behind me and reverses any punishment I enacted.

We have been off and on for over 10 years. My income pays most of the bills. Once I'm gone, she will not be able to afford the house. Unfortunately, the mortgage is in my name, so I'm gonna take it on the nose in that aspect.

My wife is a VERY volatile person. She is unpredictable and in the past ANYTHING has gone.

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Un-Reconstructed Southerner

There is no such thing as a good divorce. The only thing worse than being alone is being alone with the wrong person.

I'm going through some garbage right now , everybody is different but if you can be fair and honest , even let her take the big half
You'll feel better for it , you loved each other once right ?
If the fogs are hers , then let her take them .
Be a gentleman if she'll let you

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the rules? there are no rules

Step 1. Sell the house!

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In dog years I'm dead.

Did you own the house before you were married? If so, you should be able to keep it. Otherwise, sell it and both move on.

Glad to hear the father is involved in the girls' lives, so they won't be without a father figure.

Divorce is usually the result of a marriage that never should have been. As long as there are no children I have no problem with the current easy and quick divorce.

What I really would like to see are laws that make marriage more difficult to arrange in the first place. All too often Peggy Sue meets Billy Bob and their hormones flare and all too soon they are married. After about 6 months the hormones cool and they can’t for the life of themselves remember what they saw in the other person. Sooner or later one or the other will admit that it was a huge mistake and start divorce proceedings.

All well and good except when there are children that have been born into the marriage. It does not take a village, but it does take two parents working together, not in separate homes, to raise a child.

Of course there are exceptions where one parent manages to do a decent job of raising children, but for every success there are 10 disasters.

If there are no children, the best thing you can do is keep all attorneys out of it until you and your soon to be ex work out all the details. If and if is a big if, you are both wanting the divorce and you are both mature and still like each other a simple and rational divorce is possible.

If one are both of the parties is bitter or mean spirited or unreasonable (about 95% of the time) then get a good lawyer and expect the only winners to be the lawyers. The more animosity and divisiveness they can create the more time they spend and the more money they make.

If either party decides to play hardball then both sides pretty much have to play hardball. If that happens neither party will be very happy with the results, but a couple of divorce attorneys will be ecstatic. Always remember their advice is aimed at increasing their billable hours not at providing you with a good result. 98% of all attorneys are this way and it is a rare exception that is not.

Years ago I was in the same sort of thing. My dear old Dad reminded me that my dead horse will never gallop with me again, that a dead Eagle will only soar again in our minds, and that when a marriage is dead, it is certainly dead.
In my case, trying to keep a dead marriage alive never worked, at all!
Generally, divorce can get ugly.
The road is long, but it was worth the struggle.
I never look back, and I found a happiness as my parents knew.
All the best. Life starts now. Peter

Why can't two agree to divorce. Split things equally. Be friends after parting. Use one lawyer. Keep it simple and affordable.

After being married for forty years we kind of get into a groove where everyday is the same for both of us. We hardly argue. We're not perfect we just put up with each other.

Don't walk out, the leaver loses but a good safe hidden secure storage locker might be a handy item to have to secure up a few things you don't want to negotiate for.

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Back to back World War Champs.

The lawyer can only represent one of you. The two of them can scheme and plot behind your back and he can't tell you.

I've lost half twice. I got more now than I ever had, emotionally, spiritually and financially. Like any injury it heals over time and leaves scar tissue, sometime a little sometimes a lot. Spend for the lawyer. Joe

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Behavior Creates Destiny

Both very good points.
Both my marriages ended very equitable for both parties and we still occasionally speak to each other, especially the one with our kids.

Second point. At my mother and father's 65th anniversary party, someone commented to me that they thought it "was a marriage made in heaven" to which I replied "maybe the first 5 years, the other 60 were held together with a whole lot of tolerance." I find that to be true in a lot of marriages I'm aware of.

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Dick

Old song. .
"She got the gold mine, I got the shaft!"

Now, how do I know that ...

But I still made out better.
All she has is lots of money, I Have
The best wife now.

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Only difference Fool/Mule-ears

I was divorced many years ago. I now consider it an act of exorcism.

My Sweet wife and I are married for 49 years it will be 50 on March 1st . we only came close to a separation once or twice, so I have no personal experience , but my son went thru a very nasty divorce four years ago,and he is still in shock. Yesterday was Christmas and he`s in Orlando while his children are in NJ. I called him and while he put on a brave face I know he was heartsick. Thank God you have no children with her, and it sounds like you won't miss her kids much. Do Not move out of the house and try to keep all communications and relations on a calm friendly/or at least non-acromonious level, get a good lawyer, and it should all work out

As the "Gambler" said KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM AND WHEN TO FOLD EM.
As to fold em, have a very good plan and verrry good legal advice before making any "public "move. Not the first divorce to happen or the last.

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Old Guys Rule!

FWIW,

1. I agree with pawngal. From this point forward until it is all settled, stay out of the dating scene. This avoids having to defend yourself against an adultery allegation;

2. I'd set up a separate bank account for whom she is not the beneficiary. When it comes to cash, and cash equivalents, human beings become animals;

3. Engineer1911 has great advice - find the meanest, "Junkyard Dog" attorney that you can afford. You may not need those skills, but once the divorce proceedings begin, you just can't imagine the tactics that the other person will use, especially if they are receiving advice from co-workers, other divorcees, relatives, etc. You'll be prepared to effectively defend yourself against almost all arguments;

4. I don't believe that your state is a "community property" state, which is one less huge potential headache;

5. From this day forward, keep all of the written records that you might be able to obtain, and keep a written log of everything that happens every day. This record will become very valuable once the court proceedings begin;

6. Always be civil towards her, no matter what happens. The last thing that you need is to have a restraining order filed against you;

7. If you have a mortgage and if both your names are on the mortgage, contact your mortgage company to determine what actions you must take, and what options are available to you. You may have both previously qualified for the mortgage, but may not be able to qualify now. Ask about a quit claim deed and novation;

8. And lastly, engage a Certified Public Accountant who has extensive divorce proceeding and divorce settlement experience. In 38 years of practice I have yet to meet an attorney who can meet this standard. I've worked through almost a dozen divorces with my clients. They ALL have had income tax implications. I've also seen too many final divorce settlements that skewered my clients, legally and financially!

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That's what we do!

If she is controlling and has a mental disorder there is no help for that.

I was once married to one like that too. None of your own children are involved. Get out now but get the best attorney you can find.

Didn't read all the posts so if this was already posted sorry, but consider this, HER lawyer will be reading this post, and all your other posts on any forum, facebook etc.

Gtowngeorge is right. Texts may also be involved, so TALK on the phone. Those are just tracked by times.

Sent from my MILESTONE3 using Tapatalk 2

I've got one under my belt. Married 3 years, no kids, no lawyer, no contact since it was done. Oddly, my main concern was also the dog, which she had put down. Been married 27 years to Wife #2, for whom I was also Hubby #2.

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Rule of law, not a man.

Good luck Sir. Watch your emotions while on duty. The domestic calls can look like home sometimes.

I appreciate everyone sharing such personal things with me.

Sadly, due to her "volatility" I will have to be the one that leaves. Unfortunately it will also have to be unannounced, due to her "history" of being uncontrollable.

I have kept my online presence to a minimum. I don't have Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Pinterest, etc. This is the only place I participate online.

Again, I really appreciate everyone sharing. It really helps.

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Un-Reconstructed Southerner

Above all, get a good lawyer. He or she will be worth it.

I disagree with the advice about hiring a "junkyard dog" attorney.

Unless there are significant amounts of assets to be divided, you will be better served by hiring a local attorney who specializes in domestic law and who has a good reputation for reasonableness. Your interests will be protected and defended, while at the same time your attorney will be able to cooperate (I hope) with the other side's attorney. This is a much better situation than one in which take-no-prisoners attorneys are involved, which will lengthen and complicate things unnecessarily (except for the wallets of the attorneys).

Too often, I think, divorcing people hire hard-nosed attorneys as a way of making the opposing party's life as difficult as possible, for selfish and hurtful reasons. It doesn't help, and when all is said and done, you won't be any more or less divorced than if you had gone with reasonable, professional, and non-ego-driven attorneys.

Trust me on this one.

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Ukraine -- now more than ever

OP: a divorce, like most significant moves, is best when planned.

Talk to a good divorce lawyer before you announce your intent : divorce planning can make a huge difference.

Do what your lawyer tells you to do.

Don't do like my friend's son just did. Wife cleaned him out one weekend he was away. He divorced her which cost lots of money. 6 months later they are dating and living together again. My friend said, "He has lost his mind."

I feel your pain, been divorced twice; time heals all things eventually.

Get yourself a good female lawyer that specializes in "Divorce with dignity," pay her for advice. You get what you pay for here... nothing.

Good luck and try to stay focused while on the job, don't let this get you down too much.

There truly are worse things in life...

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"Life is short, hunt hard"

I can offer nothing but sympathy. The best, most amicable divorces are still ugly.

This is so sad that people think this way. It's true that many divorces started long before the marriage. But that doesn't mean it has to be this way.


I tell everyone I know who is contemplating marriage, the worst day single is better than the best day in a bad marriage.

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Freedom isn't free.

1) Hire a DIVORCE attorney, preferably through friend referral.

2) Listen to that attorney and ONLY to that attorney. If you feel you can't, that means you don't trust that attorney, meaning repeat step 1.

3) Take this subject off line and private, with your ATTORNEY, and ONLY with your attorney.

FAIR is a term that only has meaning to ONE person and it rarely is the same between the participants of a divorce.

I have a pre-nup and would still follow my guidelines above!

Best of luck......

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Really? U saw it in Wikipedia?

Good advice throughout the thread. I'll only add:

1) Document and create a timeline for her volatile behavior and self-medicating; obtain as much verifiable information regarding both as possible.

2) Get your financial ducks in a row, hire the lawyer and put everything in place well before you actually leave or sue for divorce or even hint at either.

3) Already advised but worth repeating: keep your nose clean in every way -- personal and professional -- until the papers are signed and the divorce legally finalized.

I'd just like to thank everyone again for all the suggestions and advice.

You guys have been very helpful.

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Un-Reconstructed Southerner

Do not use the same lawyer in a "mutually agreeable" divorce, or at least make darn sure that it is your lawyer and not hers, or you will regret until Gabriel blows his horn.

My brother,
The Thin Blue Line here is wishing you the best. There is plenty of good advice from the forum members, and just make sure your mind is right when you go on duty. You need to draw on what resources your Dept. has available for you such as counseling, Chaplain if your inclined, or any other resource they have.

One thing I can recommend is that you keep your supervisor informed as to your actions. The reason is, that she may call in phony complaints that you assaulted her, made threats, pointed a gun at her and anything else she can dream up. Your Dept. will have no choice but to investigate or worse by having another agency investigate. Then your business is going to known by everybody and your probably going on desk duty or administrative leave. As a LEO, you probably know which Attorney is considered the best in your area and will work hard for you. HIRE Him/Her even though the cost may be high. You have too much to lose..

Best to you,

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Sierra 255
Ret. LEO/ NRA-LIFE

I actually have close friends who are going through their divorce in this manner right now.

They've been married for 32 years, and we've been friends for more than 20 years. I cannot count the times I've heard her put him down, belittle him, ridicule him, and generally embarrass him, especially in front of his friends and neighbors. She talks to him like he's an idiot, which is something no one should ever do to his/her spouse. Their marriage has basically been dead for years. She isn't really happy over the split, but she is smart enough to realize the marriage is over as far as he is concerned, so she is consenting to the divorce.

One of the reasons the divorce is going so smoothly is that he is going out of his way to be fair. He is giving up his share of the house, plus he took money out of his 401K to pay off the mortgage. He is retired, and will give her half his pension. He will keep her on his health insurance as long as possible. He doesn't want to fight or debate or give money to lawyers...he just wants out. I can't blame him. She is a beautiful and charming woman...but I can't imagine being married to someone like that.

When I was going through my own divorce, my best friend offered the following words of comfort to me: Ending a bad marriage is one of the hardest things you'll do, and when it's over, you'll realize it's one of the best things you ever did.

Good luck to you.

Depends on what state you live in, because here in MA, that means nothing. A friend of mine just learned that....

Get a great lawyer and follow the rules. I wish you the best of luck my friend! The weight will soon be lifted and all wounds will be healed! Just stay positive and smart!!

Get started ASAP. I sat on my hands for a year after I got a legal separation (waste of time) before I divorced the spawn of Satan. If you're not married ten years she might not get part of your pension or SS if you act quick. A friend of mine was married to a nut job and the court held up the divorce for years until she was stable. The girls in your case are reaching the age where you could have real trouble. I had to abandon a 5 year relationship with a really nice woman because her 3 girls went berserk when they reached HS age one by one.
Make a list of questions and bring it with before you talk to a lawyer. Don't give a retainer to the first lawyer you speak to. Get a move on. It's like a toothache, you gotta deal with it, the sooner the better.

Good luck. Child support! Been there, done that.

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Steve
The Lounge Rant Master

Tolerance is the key. My wife was really sick with the same cancer twice.
If she wanted to leave me I wouldn't stand in her way. I'm disabled and she takes care of me but I hold her back from things she wants to do. I don't want to stand in her way. If she wanted to go I'd let her go. I have had my battle with cancer too. Fourty years is a longtime to be married.

Both people have to be happy together. Marriage is a tough thing to live with if the two don't get along.

Sir, there is no such thing as a good divorce, some are just worse than others.
Bite the bullet and get the best damn lawyer in the area; in the long run it will be money well spent. Now that you have that high priced legal talent LISTEN to what he tells you. Remember this is no time to be Mr. Nice guy.

First thing POST-HASTE is secure ALL guns. Move them to a safe location.

Second thing is cancel all credit cards/accounts. Also remove your name from joint bank accounts.

My advice is the same to you as the lawyer gave me in a similar situation about 30 years ago. "No emotional pleas, no BS, like it or not, you are the 'responsible adult' in this union & the judge has heard all possible excuses.

Your guns are an asset in the divorce settlement but a liability 'till any physical separation, move them to a secure location, then inventory them. Get a bid/appraisal from a local dealer that he will treat as a firm offer to buy for cash. Give this document to your lawyer & be prepared to pay her half.

Make a list of community property & price everything as if you were buying TODAY, $1 more it's yours.

You need a lawyer & find one that will present a fair but firm division of assets. Depending her medical/work history, 50/50 may turn out to be more like 80/20 AFTER the bills are paid as it was in my case.

Contact me by PM or Email thru the profile. Every state legal system is different, but I will offer as much support as I can from actual experience. Contact me with a phone No., I will call you so we can talk.