The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

That got me laughing out loud. Wisdom with a touch of sarcasm.

"I have the erasers to all the putt putt pencils in the world."

That one stuck with me since I was a teenager.

The best wood in the golf bag is the pencil.

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protocalldesign.com

Good stuff there!

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No baby we aint

“Make instant coffee in a microwave and go back in time”

"I just bought a cordless extension cord."

Steven Wright is a one in a million comics. I'll click on him on YouTube sometimes just for a couple laughs. Instant water, headlights on at light speed, etc., etc.

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Waiting For The Sun.

Wright is one of my favorite comedians.

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So many S&W's, so few funds!!

"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

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The best I can with what I got

Back in the mid-60's I worked at Fyr-Fyter, a factory in Dayton that made all sorts of fire extinguishers. Well one night one of the big paint booths caught on fire. All of us night shift crazies thought, no problem. We've got this handled. Lots of fun but we eventually had to call the FD.

Keep the hits coming.

I hadn't heard of him till a friend mentioned he was doing a show at Mershon auditorium at OSU campus inviting me and the wife to go. I think he either opened for Lewis Black or Lewis Black opened for him can't recall but it was a fun night.

He told a joke about his girlfriend painting her nails with whiteout so when she fell asleep, he wrote little mis-spelled words on her nails. He said he lost a buttonhole and pondered what you mixed with powdered water.

He was a great comedian.

Lewis Black was good as well.

"I had a dream where I was fighting a fire in a smoke alarm factory. Then I woke up and I was peeing on the alarm clock. Guess she'll never invite me back."

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The best I can with what I got

"I had a crush on my dental hygienist. I sat in the waiting room and ate a whole bag of Oreos."

Good mental exercise!!!! I'm going to be contemplatint the car going the speed of light for a long time. Hmmmm....

Since the speed of light is a constant 186,000 mps in a vacuum, I would guess that the car would leave the photons behind. But how do they propogate at light speed. Do the photons come off the filament, led whatever and collect in the reflector. When the reflector is full do the photon spill out and trail behind the car????? Inquiring minds want to know.

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"He was kinda funny lookin'"

...will REALLY appreciate these.

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"He was kinda funny lookin'"

Funny guy with a great delivery.

He also voiced the iconic DJ, K-Billy, in the movie Reservoir Dogs.

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

And if you threw a ball inside the car, would the ball exceed the speed of light?

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So many S&W's, so few funds!!

Under the special theory of relativity, the speed of light remains constant no matter what your frame of reference is. So even if your car is traveling at the speed of light, so is any light being emitted from it. Or stated another way, time is relative but the speed of light is not.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Bryan

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Ordnung muss sein
SWHF #789

Irritated an engineer friend when I gave him a hypothetical question. If you are flying in a plane going 3,000 fps and have a machine gun pointed forward with a cartridge only capable 2,900 fps, when you pull the trigger, will you be shooting yourself in the head? At the question he had a question for me which was, "Did your parents have any children that were not born brain dead"?

Being captain of a fire station and being a little OCD, my station was spotless and organized to say the least. Many other captains were shown my station in a way to inspire them to do better. You can't even fathom the kidding I got for years when my station was the only building in the county to fail the annual fire inspection. Seems we didn't have enough fire extinguisher. I explained we had 4, all with engines and tires but that fell on deaf ear.

What a treat it would have been to sit at a bar between Steven Wright and Mitch Hedberg.

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Music/Sports/Beer fan

Steven Wright is one of the funniest guys I know. One other one he says is "Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?"

He's wrong on number three. That's not what average is.

" I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone." Steven Wright

...that shot itself down:

Did A Grumman F11 Tiger Shoot Itself Down? - Plane & Pilot Magazine

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"He was kinda funny lookin'"

I wanna know where the white goes when the snow melts.

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Mike SWCA 2865 NRA Benefactor

I wonder how many light powered calculators will make the room go dark?

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Waiting For The Sun.

I saw a wicker chair that I liked at a party, so I stole it. I unraveled it and slid it through the key hole.

I stayed at a hotel that had the pool on the 50th floor. Boy, was it deep.