I seldom shoot anything but cast bullet handloads in three 9mm pistols, a Beretta 92(?), a Sig P226, and a Walther P4. A .3575" bullet (that's how they come out of a .358" bullet sizing die) works well in all of them. Some pistols may do better with a slighly smaller or slightly larger bullet, a .357" or .358". The bullets needn't be hard; wheelweight alloy of 13-14 BHN is fine and doesn't lead the bore. I'd say shoot the largest diameter bullet that will freely chamber. This applies to cast only as I've had little experience with jacketed bullets in the 9mm. However, diameter is not critical with jacketed bullets for best accuracy. A .355" or .356" bullet should be okay.
If the bullet doesn't chamber freely, it's probably too large or is seated out too far or both. The best cast bullet I've found is a Lyman design: #358212, an obsolete .38 Special mould that casts a 150 grain round nose bullet. It feeds perfectly in my guns and is accurate.