A serious question for y'all

The older you get the more pain we accumilate from life`s bad experiances. Usualy most people on the net post heart warming things about family and aquaintants. Truth is probley the most of us have deep pain from outlaws in the family but wont talk about that. Since so few talk about it do to being ashamed about it, it makes us feel like we are the only ones with hidden pain. I have buried four women in my life. I have very near relatives in lockup that will NEVER get out! I came from a very large family that was close to each other. Now it seems that I am the last of the mohicans! They are all dead, or wouldnt reconise me and some have no desire in seeing me.
Know what? Of close friends I knew well enough to know the score in their lives almost all had outlaw kids that embarassed them to where they felt they couldnt talk about etc. Sure, some of them had/have fine kids too that they brag on but you never hear about the bad ones. Thats life.
 
Thank you all so much. Some very good, sobering, compassionate advice. I'll tell ya, just writing that out was a cathartic experience. Your comments were a great source of comfort for me.

I also got some very thoughtful and comforting PMs. I was right. Y'all are a great, caring bunch of folks. I'm very glad I found this site.

Thanks y'all!
 
I was lucky

You could always hang out with younger people! I used to have a half dozen WWII vets hanging around my office. I think they liked hanging out because I was 40+ years younger than them....Plus they always needed rides to the dr.....

I was very lucky to know a group of WWII guys at school when they came to exercise their GI Bill rights. We younger people were transfixed with what they had to say. That was a great learning opportunity.
 
I'm 75, widowed seventeen years ago. My parents lived to 90 and 89, but have been gone for some years. So are a number of dear friends, including a man I loved like another brother. I live in an apartment complex for seniors who can live independently, and we've lost several here I cared a lot about.

One thing I ask myself is "Was that person worth the pain of losing him or her?" Invariably the answer is yes, and somehow that helps me deal with it. The grief seems like a final investment in the life lost, and then I can get on with remembering the great, silly times and funny misadventures.

The other thing I try not to do is to ask why. Why did my third and final wife, the absolute love of my life and perhaps the best person I've ever known, have to die of leukemia? I have no idea, and it's not important.
If there is a why it might be too much for me to handle, and she would still be gone. I go on with my own life, as she wanted me to do.
 
Thank you all so much. Some very good, sobering, compassionate advice. I'll tell ya, just writing that out was a cathartic experience. Your comments were a great source of comfort for me.

I also got some very thoughtful and comforting PMs. I was right. Y'all are a great, caring bunch of folks. I'm very glad I found this site.

Thanks y'all!

shhhh .... Iv'e got a reputation to uphold:D
 
Sorry to hear you are down some right now. Time will heal all wounds.

My folks were good teachers. They taught my brothers and me that death is a part of life and everyone will go at some time. The best way to deal with a death is to remember all the good times and experiences we had with the person (or pet) we just lost. I know that sounds simple to do, but it's not. However, I have worked at it - and I can tell you that everytime you start feeling a little bad over the loss, think back to remember a day you had with that person that was a good experience. You will be amazed at how that will turn your sadness around to joy for having had the experience and time with your friend that you did. :)

Hope this helps a little.

Best to you.

Pete
 
A difficult but important issue you raise. How do we deal with death because each funeral, memorial service or wake is a reminder of our own mortality.

I am in two (2) professions where death has a continual presence, emergency medicine and law enforcement.

One way I cope, and it is coping for certain is to celebrate the small victories and fun events. Sometimes I have to look long and hard on those days when I have to deal with things that have happened to children that no one should have to deal with or deal with the issues that bring me into contact with some of our less savory citizens.

Ultimately, it is up to me to look beyond the immediate situation and know I have to do the best I can with what I've got.

I hope you know you are no alone with this issue. We are all in it together. You have an extended family now with members all over the world.

You just have to know which ones you can loan money to. :D
 
Death and grief

I am pushing 62 ,older than my father ever was. Iused to be afraid of dying,I still don't want to die but I don't fear it as I once did.This is mostly because I belive that we are only here temporarily and are bound for a better place, recently I buried my mother-in-law and more recently my father-in-law both dear souls who treated me as if i were thier own flesh and blood. I console myself with the thought that they are in a better place ,when someone is near death and suffering I think of them on the platform at a train station waiting to board a train to San Diego as we stand saying our goodbyes in the cold and swirling snow of a Midwest winter,sure I will miss them but I cant blame them for leaving for sunnier climes. I don't know that these words will help you but this is what gets me through. May God bless you and stand by you in your time of grief.
 
Lost my Dad, "Pops" in Feb. 2010 and i was a mess for about
6 months. In 2001 lost my brother to Sepsis at the age of 42.
Dad and Donnie we're my best friends. "Pops" was a 20
year Marine retired in 1975 and he was always there for me.
Through the Love of my wife and Friends i got thru it all.
Don't be afraid to ask a friend you just need to talk. A good
old sit down and cry will work wonders too.
Remember them fondly and the good times had together.
Have faith that one day you will be reunited with them and
in that i find my Peace and comfort.

Chuck
 
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Jack, death is a natural progression in this thing we call life. I happen to think it's just the start of the next great adventure. Instead of be sad that your friends have passed on be glad that they were a part of your life and you enjoyed spending time with them, I think they would want you to.

Take care..
 
Jack, death is a natural progression in this thing we call life. I happen to think it's just the start of the next great adventure. Instead of be sad that your friends have passed on be glad that they were a part of your life and you enjoyed spending time with them, I think they would want you to.

Take care..

The above is the exact same philosophy that I have used all of my adult life.

It helped when my brother commited suicide the night before my Mother's funeral.

Gary was actually my half-brother from my Father's
first marriage, which is why I said "my Mother."
 
I was very lucky to know a group of WWII guys at school when they came to exercise their GI Bill rights. We younger people were transfixed with what they had to say. That was a great learning opportunity.

Unfortunately, they're all going pretty quick now. The last guy left in my group is close to 90 and blind now from macular degeneration.
 
The closer you look

Everyone has already said it all. Nothing left. All the bases covered.

Oops just thought of something different. When I was working prisons I developed the basic mind-set that we are all "just doing-time on this planet". (A bit negative)

But my next older brother was into biology and constantly studying some insect or reptile or small animal, that was going through some phase of it's existence. Caterpillars that become cocoons then butterflies are easy. They start out eating leaves of the plant they will eventually help pollinate, carrying it's DNA to far away places.

Then there was a bird that lived only around it's oak tree. It nested there, raised offspring there, and buried it's acorns some distance around it. It remembered where the acorns were for food, most of the time. Then eventually some other animal or bird caught it, and all the acorns buried at that time could grow. (Or the winter, or old age) end result is the same, buried acorns grow better than those that just fall on the surface. The insects on the surface turn the leaves and acorns back into topsoil really fast.

But that is my brothers area. I would rather read about plate tectonic movements of the earth. The short answer is that the Atlantic is getting bigger and the Pacific is getting smaller. Mountains are pushed up and then the weather erodes them down into the valleys as topsoil.

When you walk through a field of flowers and get pollen on your pants, and brush it off further away you are a pollinator. Build a stone house and dig a garden and you are helping break down rocks into topsoil.

In science nothing is ever wasted, everything is recycled. In spite of our efforts to have the most sanitary existence and strongest casket - all the atoms in our bodies will be recycled at some point. You cannot breathe in and breathe out without the plants being happy to have that carbon dioxide you just exhaled. They convert it, and soil atoms, into carbohydrates for rabbits and chickens, or for bugs for chickens, and everyone is happy.

And when you get depressed go to a bingo hall were most of the people are too old to bowl. Recycle some coffee and doughnuts.

Go to the range. Remember when the powder in your cartridges explodes nothing is wasted. Every atom of the gunpowder comes out the barrel as some other gas.

Not just every hair on your head is counted -- no, every atom in your body has existed for billions of years and has been recycled too many times for us mortals to count.

Are our friends and relatives waiting. Yes, science has proven that nothing is ever wasted. And the physics of the universe has all the time in the world.
 
""And then they said, "Speak to us of loss...."

And he said,

"Your heart breaks in your sorrow of losing that which was dear.

But this is as night onto day.

There is no great joy without the risk of great sorrow.

And the depth of your sorrow reveals the height that your joy once reached.

Can you not see that those who never know the sorrow of loss, have never
known the joy of love?

Grieve for your loss, but rejoice in that you once knew love, and were thus
blessed for a time?"
 
Jack, you're not Robinson Crusoe. I'm convinced we're all here for a reason, and I don't have to know what the reason is. But we're standing on the beach, waving adios to somebody all the time now it seems, and thats o.k... We're with you.
It's a new day already.
 
You people are amazing. Thank you. I spent some time last night re reading and thinking about all the sage advice and all the good thoughts and comfort you all have provided. It is just what I needed.

As we age we learn all these things. But I guess sometimes when we are faced with it close up and personal it can get on top of us. I think that's what happened to me. I'm still sad but the confusion and anger and panic are gone. I have things pretty much in perspective now thanks to you all.

A little later today I'm going to meet up with some of my shootin' pals and hit the range and then have a nice lunch at our favorite "choke and puke".

One good thing about getting older is that you know how the world works and understand things about this life that you didn't when you were younger. I think it helps give a person balance.
 
Good for you, Jack. We all need to celebrate Life the best we can.

I was in the Washington State Patrol for 13 years. During the last year and a half of my time there I attended 7 funerals, some close friend and all brother officers. Most died in the line of duty, one was a suicide. The method of their passing didn't matter as much as the loss to me at the time, and it contributed to my getting burned out. I couldn't let it go, and I couldn't attend a funeral for many years afterward.

In the past 8 years, I've lost my Mom, my Dad, my best friend since 3rd grade, and a stepson. Each and every loss has been hard. As previously stated, ya gotta enjoy what ya got, cause it ain't gonna be here forever.

Blessings asked for and prayers sent your direction.

Ron
 

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