ADOPTION FROM CHINA

[cobra44]

A friend of mine and his wife have been trying to adopt a child from China for the past 5 years.
They wanted a new born.
They went through a so called religious organization. They have spent a rather large sum of money so far.
He is 45 and his wife is 48.
I asked them many times why they do not look for a child in this country. They are concerned that the real parent/parents may want the child back in future years if they adopt from the USA.
They were getting tired of waiting, so they found out that they can get a 5 to 6 year old with mental or physical problems, supposedly rather quickly.
My question is - Should I talk to them about this?
I think that this may be a really bad idea, as they both work and I am not sure how they would possibly do this.
I really hate to see them make this commitment at their age. Do I just sit back and not say anything, or talk to them about this? I think that they are so desperate that they are not thinking properly of the extra problems that they may confront.
Any ideas?

 

[GatorFarmer]

Can't they just let nature take its course? I have two kids and one on the way. It's pretty simple. Animal planet will show the basics... Fertility treatments and what not do wonders these days if the basics fail.

Alternately, one can pay a woman to bear a child. Either with that woman's eggs and the husbands sperm, or an artificially implanted embryo. Costs about 50 grand give or take.

My oldest seems to be affected by autism. He's a lot of work. All kids are. Its like having a mean house cat or pet monkey. Gets into and destroys everything and craps all over.

 

[cobra44]

Thanks for that reply.
His wife had problems years ago, and she cannot have any children. I think he has problems also, plus their age, so I think adoption is the only way they can go.

 

[snakeman32]

If he is your friend I think you should talk to him and express your concerns. Either he will listen or he won't. At least you tried to talk to him. My best friend and his wife addopted from China and it took a very long time but they did it.


snakeman

 

[DeathGrip]

[QUOTE
They were getting tired of waiting, so they found out that they can get a 5 to 6 year old with mental or physical problems, supposedly rather quickly.
My question is - Should I talk to them about this?

I hope your a really good friend.Tread very lightly.
My opinion is there gonna get their heart broken.
Did you see the news about the adoptive mother trying to send a child back to Russia?She just put him on a plane and sent him back like a return at walmart.Big trouble for all.
You don't know what your gonna get here or abroad.Here it might be a crack baby.Abroad,who knows?
There are a bunch of adoptive parents here on the forum and I hope some here will help you help your friends.
I wish for success for all.
D.G.

D.G.

 

[sipowicz]

It's one thing to give birth to a child with mental or physical problems...it's another to take it on...there are amazing people out there who adopt special needs children...and there is a special place in heaven for them...not sure if your friends have what it takes but they really need to think this out...

 

[cobra44]

snakeman32 - thanks for that response. That is what I am thinking.

DeathGrip - Thank you. Those are my concerns. I need to tread very lightly.

Sipowicz - exactly what I am thinking. Thank you.

 

[pbslinger]

I am friends with a couple who adopted two girls from China, one who is autistic. If you think it a good idea and your friend wants to talk to the mother send me a PM and maybe we could arrange it.

 

[DeathGrip]

There are so many ways to help out a child in need.Without the commitment of an adoption.Mentors,Foster parents and a host of other ways in between.I also worry about the ages of your friends,along with their work commitments.You don't just give up on them at 18 and they're good to go,Not if they might be challenged.45 and 18 is 63.I've done a little math.


I'll think about them in my prayers and if they decide to do so I'll pray even more.Bless them and a child.
D.G.

 

[Stevie]

A customer of mine and his wife adopted a 6 year old from China.

Beautiful kid adopted into a beautiful farm family.

From what I've seen of this new American, a daughter that's worth every penny spent, and then some.

I don't think they needed more children...already having a boy and girl. They just answered Gods call...and did what they must.

 

[Camster]

It's one thing to give birth to a child with mental or physical problems...it's another to take it on...there are amazing people out there who adopt special needs children...and there is a special place in heaven for them...not sure if your friends have what it takes but they really need to think this out...

Nicely expressed.Thank you.

 

[n4zov]

Why don't you suggest they talk with other adoptive parents who have adopted a handicapped child? That might be a good low-key way to bring up the topic without alienating them. They also need to consider exactly what kind of disabilities they might be dealing with since some children with disabilities require a lot of money to raise. Also do the local schools have the proper programs and personnel to deal with the child's disabilities. These are just some talking points that you might use in approaching them with the realities they will be dealing with.

 

[Faulkner]

I also think that it takes special people to adopt and there will be a reward for them in heaven.

My question is this, and I admit I'm ignorant on the subject, but what is the deal with adopting Chinese children. Are there not enough American children available that are already over here?

 

[sipowicz]

I also think that it takes special people to adopt and there will be a reward for them in heaven.

My question is this, and I admit I'm ignorant on the subject, but what is the deal with adopting Chinese children. Are there not enough American children available that are already over here?

Good question...the main reason is the amount of time and red tape in the US...and babies are always at a premium since they want to get the older kids adopted...here in west hollywood there is a surge in American adoptions by gays for obvious reasons..and most of them don't get the pick of the litter...2 white gay friends of mine adopted a little black baby who's mother was a crack addict...they knew it at the time and are putting in the work...God bless them too.


Commentary: Why aren't celebrities adopting U.S. kids? - CNN.com

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

While I salute them for what they want to do I also think 45 and 48 is a little past the curve. Raising a child-especially a special needs one-is a long term proposition. I've known plenty of people in their 20s and 30s who found child raising somewhat more than they could handle.

 

[cobra44]

Thanks for all the replies. You have brought up some very good points. I need to work all of this into my talk with both of them. Trying to come with a good way to approach this subject with them. I am working on that now.

 

[hdfinder47]

My son and DIL are adopting a Chinese 5 YOA girl. The 100 page questionaire will make it clear which, if any, disabilities they are willing to accept. Keep in mind that a major disability to the Chinese can be a cleft palet or hernia, and they know this up front. Process is about 1 year (much longer for new borns/infant boys) and the final step is a 2-3 week visit to China to bond with the child before making a final committment. IMO, your friends should seriously consider an older child at their ages.
My daughter and SIL are adopting an infant through a stateside DSS - they should have a child relatively soon (3-4 month process) since they are open to any sex, race, twins, etc.. And depending upon the state where your friends live, there can be some rather stringent protections concerning the natural parents coming back to cause problems.
Both couples have 2 sons of their own and are 35-40 YOA and are following God's will in this matter (neither knew that the other was doing this).
State and private adoption agencies can give your friends more details to help them make an informed decision and lessen the possibility of problems.