Anybody need a joke but me -

[everReady Rob]

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the auto industry to the computer industry and stated, If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to that comment, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars that would, for no reason at all, crash twice a day and every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

[1 old 0311]

+1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Pop's2]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no
arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. I've got an itch.

 

[A10]

Thanks for the laugh fellas. Last time I told a joke on the forum I got "reminded".......No doubt I deserved it

 

[johngalt]

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer were playing golf one afternoon. They were stuck behind another group that was moving really slowly.

They finally got tired of the slow progress, and asked the manager "Why is that group ahead of us taking so long?"

The manager answered "Those are firemen who lost their sight fighting a fire at the club house. We let them play whenever they want".

The doctor says "I'll have to do some research, maybe I can find a way to help them regain their sight"

The priest says "I'll pray for them, that they regain their sight".

The engineer says "Why can't they play at night?"

 

[johngalt]

An engineer was walking down the street, and sees an engineer buddy ride up on new bike. The first asks, "Hey, where did you get the new bike?"

The other replied, "Well, the strangest thing just happened. A woman rode up on this bike, took off all here clothes, and said 'Take anything you want'".

The first said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[mtgianni]

Saddam Hussien and O'Sama Bin Laden are finally proven dead. They showed up on a Chicago voting list.

 

[msinc]

Two good ole boys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat
come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a
hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him tied to a transmission!

 

[CelticSire]

Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer are playing golf one afternoon when the sky begins to darken and storm clouds roll in. It begins to thunder and heavy rain starts to fall, and Jack says, "Hey Arnie, maybe we should head in." Arnold replies, "Don't be silly. It's nothing but a sprinkle." It storms even harder, with the rain coming in sideways and the thunder sounding like an artillery barrage. Lightning strikes a tree next to the fairway and Jack says, "C'mon, Arnie, this is really getting bad." Arnold looks at Jack and replies, "Don't worry, I know exactly what to do." Arnold takes a 1 iron from his bag, walks to the middle of the fairway, and holds the 1 iron straight up over his head. Jack cries out, "Arnie! What are you doing?!! Are you trying to get killed? You're asking to get struck by lightning!" Arnold replies, "Calm down, Jack. Not even God can hit a 1 iron."

 

[feralmerril]

Jerry clower took his young friend hunting. Jerry stopped by his uncles place to ask permission. Uncle says sure jerry, but do me a favor. Put old luke down for me, he`s old, sick and I aint got the heart.
Jerry thought he would have some fun with this. He got back to the truck, beat on the steering wheel and cussed his uncle out for refuseing them to hunt on his land. He pulled over by the old sick mule, pulled his rifle and killed the mule, saying that will teach uncle pete! With that jerry hears blewy, blewy, and see`s two cows fall! He looks over and the dude says gee jerry, you were so mad I thought I would help you out!

 

[Fishslayer]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 6 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[oldman45]

A Blonde's year

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911.... "Duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
__________________

 

[roscoguy]

A 90 year old man with a hearing problem has an appointment with his new Doctor. He asks his wife to go with him to help communicate with the Doc.

Doctor: It's nice to meet you Sir and I'm very glad to have you as a new patient. To get started, I'd like to get urine, semen & stool samples.

Man: WHAT DID HE SAY, MA?

Wife: HE SAYS HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR, PA.

 

[zoom6zoom]

A company needed to downsize and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any employee who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the their body, with the employee getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man who accepted asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.

He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third man, a grizzled old Veteran, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the man might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two men had received. The Vet insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the doctor to do the measuring.

The doctor attended and asked the Vet to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Khe Sanh," the Vet replied.