Divorce (Man Is It Tough)

[johnbeaver]

One day at a time.
It will get better.
I also was in an abusive relationship, emotionally. Never did enough for her , blah di blah blah.
Anyway, although it was a blow at the time, I came to be thankful, somewhat, that she cheated.
Prayers to you, stand firm.

 

[Old Corp]

Sorry to hear of your travails.
I've been there also, and many have offered good advice here.
Mine was a blindside for me. Married 20, active in church, adopted a son, in my mind we were a for-sure forever thing.
No, at the 20 year mark she drops the bomb, discovered later she was cheating with a married guy at our lake home location. He and his wife had just split since he'd dropped the bomb on her.
Terrible time for me - got to learn more about clinical depression than I ever wanted to know.

Unfortunately - my church family was of little help. Small, sorta country church and I no longer fit the mold there, which was married, with 1,2, or 3 children. Best I could get was a mumble and a handshake.
I eventually left and joined a nearby larger church with a much more diverse demographic. Much better.

Married friends who'd been together forever were also of little help. Like me - they couldn't even imagine.

What helped the most was advice from guys who'd been there (kinda like those chiming in here), and staying busy enjoying the things I liked, mostly being in the woods or on the water.
A fellow Detective I was working with (he'd gotten the t-shirt) offered what I learned was good advice - and that was to 'be good to yourself'. You have to remember that right now, no one else is going to do that. Nothing extravagant - a new shirt here and there, a book, a gun you've been pondering, whatever. I found that really helped.

There was mention of 'DivorceCare' offered at local churches. I availed myself of that and got to meet some really good people that were hurting just like me, as well as people who really were called to be of help.

In dealing with an 'exiting ex', I learned to interpret phrases she'd use (stuff I KNEW was not of her invention) as we went through the process.
Absolute #1 was her use of the word and term " F A I R".
Do not believe that that word has any implications for you. That word simply translates to what is best for her. Period. End.

Let me know if I can be of any help. You will see it getting better, but it's gonna be uphill for awhile. But, it does indeed get better.

 

[arjay]

For me,it's worked out to be a good opportunity to decide what I want out of this little stretch.The kids were raised and the loon did a great deal of financial damage to herself too.Im doing the things I was always putting off that I enjoyed doing.I've discovered I can live without the big house and cars.I also gave my work ethic a kick down the road lol.That only attracts more freeloaders!
Watch out for that girl that needs rescuing-I've met a few [emoji33]

 

[rosefarm]

Ahmen to jringo...Do NOT date. This is the time to find out why you married who you married so that you might not repeat the mistake. You're doing a lot of things right. Now do what's right for you. Get a therapist. Either start or renew your faith. God is more than happy to shoulder your burden. Start a journal and write out how you feel. Remember that it is never any single person's fault. Put down the bat! The entire situation is out of your control. The only control you have is how you respond to it. Grace and love of Christ will carry you through this...surrender to win.

 

[daniel lawecki]

If either of you play hardball only the lawyers will win.

 

[fdw]

I prayed a lot.

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

Cast your net wide. A friend went through a bitter divorce, stabbed in the back by his Russian ***** of a wife. He couldn't afford an attorney but he got LOTS of free-and good- advice at the county law library-from lawyers, was shown how to type up his motions by a couple of JUDGES. The judge who presided over his case commended him for his work.
Hire a hit man ? I do it with the dolls and the pins.

 

[JcMack]

Here's a problem. Since most married couples have friends that are married couples you'll probably lose most of your friends. No more invites to barbecues and fun stuff. Your buddies wives knew this was coming a long time ago.. You'll become a third wheel and wives will consider you a pariah and somehow their own marriage will catch a divorce bug from you.
You need an ego boost that only a female can provide. Get a girlfriend or a girl friend pal. Nothing serious just someone to take your mind off the situation.

 

[4506517]

4506517, I see the badge, do you have POST available through work?

Im not sure what POST is?

Could you explain?

 

[onebadfish]

Reminds me of a song........

"She Got the Goldmine, I got The Shaft"

They split it right down the middle, but they give her the bigger half!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[4506517]

TUESDAY/TODAY WAS COURT DAY

I want to start off by again thanking everyone. Every post in this thread no matter how long or short, is helping me work through this. Thank you SO much.

So today was court. Didn't sleep much last night and missed the alarm this morning. Still, I was the first person in the courthouse this morning. I even beat my attorney there.

Sat down with my attorney and she flat out told me I was giving away too much, not giving her anything to bargain with. My ex had once again gone back on the previous agreement at the last minute. She has had a habit of agreeing and then the night before court, she changes her mind. My attorney had finally had enough. Keep in mind I have watched this attorney litigate for a few years before I hired her. She is sparing of words and heavy on action.

My attorney finally went scorched earth. The ex continued to refuse until my attorney "went there". My ex threw out countless lies all of which my attorney refuted with evidence. In the end, the ex wanted the house. My attorney flat out told her that wasn't happening. She also advised the ex that she wasn't going to get any of my retirement.

So in the end:

*House will be sold. Ex can stay and make mortgage until sold.
*Ex relinquished any and all claims to all my retirement accts.
*She will take debt in her name and I will take what is in my name.
*She can keep her car, but has to refinance it in 3 months. Otherwise it comes back to me (registered to me) and is sold. If there is a loss or gain we split it.
*The balance of assets/debts left me owing her about $1675. My attorney told her she could get $1000. Her attorney countered with $1250 and I called it good.
*She is not to have any contact with me unless it is directly about selling the house/financial matters.


My attorney wrote in a TON of fail safes to protect me should the ex not keep up her end of the bargain. IN FACT, my attorney wrote the entire separation agreement. The Domestic Violence action will be dismissed because the same language is now contained in the separation agreement. My belongings are to stay where they are in the residence until such time as I can move them. My attorney even covered the ex feeding my cat until I can come and pick her up.

While it was difficult, I followed my attorney's directions to the "T". I figured this is what she does for a living so I'd better let her "drive the bus". There were several times I even asked her "what do you think?". She was tough and firm but not overly aggressive.

So now I wait as the home and vehicle are sold off/refinanced/etc. I am still to maintain cell phones for the ex and her kids for 3 months and maintain car insurance and dental insurance for the next 3 months.

According to my attorney, the ex has still expressed a desire to try and reconcile. I will admit it was hard to see her in court today. As much as it hurt, I cannot go back to living that life. My father always told me the right decisions always hurt....that's how you know they're the right decisions.

Thank you all again for all the support. Mere words cannot express how much I appreciate all the sharing and words of support. You all have helped me more than you will ever know.

From time to time I will try to update this thread. You guys have seen me through this far, so I think you deserve to know how it turns out.

Thanks again everyone! I owe you all a debt I can never repay.

 

[Marine Corps Air]

This is certainly great news! I know that it's too soon to pronounce the benediction (no sense going off half cocked), but the outcome of this situation (so far) would warm your heart on a really cold day in the Arctic Circle! You chose well in your selection of an attorney. Your decision to follow her recommendations and strategy was also outstanding. The descriptions above speak for themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a "Junkyard Dog Attorney" representing you.

I may have missed it, but I did not see the provisions for the distribution (division) of the equity in your home. If you have been filing a joint tax return, and meet the requirements, up to $500,000.00 in gain (profit) on the sale of your home is tax free (as in not taxed) at both the Federal and state level in The Tarheel State!

That's really serious "Gun Budget Money"!!!

 

[Franklin]

Im not sure what POST is?

Could you explain?

Police Officer Support Team
confidential peer support

 

[pawncop]

Not many words of wisdom here, but a prayer for your peace of mind, strength, and comfort as you need it.

Mine was thirty two (32) years ago and was more drawn out than I preferred.

Best of luck.

There has been a lot of good advice here.

 

[Muss Muggins]

Im not sure what POST is?

Could you explain?

Peace Officer Standards and Training, the state agency that licenses Peace Officers in Missouri but does nothing to ameliorate divorces. Reminds us all that we should attempt to live in an AFZ (Acronym Free Zone)

 

[Muley Gil]

Peace Officer Standards and Training, the state agency that licenses Peace Officers in Missouri but does nothing to ameliorate divorces. Reminds us all that we should attempt to live in an AFZ (Acronym Free Zone)

Same meaning in Alabama.

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

If your erstwhile friends drop you after the divorce they weren't worth that much to begin with.
Those friends and acquaintances who survived divorce the best:
1. Had nothing to begin with, so nothing to lose. The ex got half of nothing.
2. Saw the warning signs and prepared. I think of those individuals I knew who made sure their home equity loan applications were approved well in advance. The wife threw them out of the house, they cashed the check, bought a new car, moved a state or two away. One said he sent her a letter saying the house was all hers, the others let them find out the hard way.
3. Had a good support network. One friend, wife filed for divorce-the house was in his family's name. Another, his wife stabbed him in the back then had the nerve to call his parents to arrange for her daughter's summer with them.
They told her no, said they didn't want to hear from her again.
4. As cruel as it sounds, you really have to decide if you want to be a father with a broken back. Several guys I have known, the ex remarried, they found themselves in competition with the new guy. Emails not answered, no acknowledgement of birthday gifts, etc. And a lot of guys find turning a hated ex into a single parent is a Q&E way of retaliating.
5. And it may sound childish, but all sorts of little taunts and aggravations-there's something emotionally satisfying about them. One acquaintance, battling the ex over the child support, etc, took to driving past her house and other places where she could see him in a very expensive car. When she tried to cite this as a reason why he should pay more child support, he pointed out the car was in his uncle's name.

 

[Farmer17]

It's hard to look at the positive things of a divorce but I assure you there will be many that you don't realize right now. I felt like I had been run over by a truck, lost nearly all my money, and would get sick when I looked at the two empty beds in my daughters rooms. But things got better and I married a woman who is my soul mate and at 50 years old I discovered what true love really was.

 

[4011]

Went thru a divorce five years ago. As it worked out her daughter and beautiful granddaughter kept me as their dad and granddaddy. Saw the ex and her husband last Sunday at a visitation for a great old 92 yr. old vet. When the ex walked in the place went to ice cold. She had a miserable time there. The new widow was not happy the couple even showed. After they left the young preacher broke the ice. He said seems like the tension left!! The new husband forgot his hat. Then backed into a car in the parking lot. Yes I enjoyed the the day!!!!!!! I'm wondering what will be said at church today. Course the old folks may have forgotten as it's been a week. Hang in there young man as time will heal and as long as you do right you'll shine!! As far as new women! Go slow!!!! And leave the alcohol alone!

 

[4506517]

I am fortunate that I have many friends and a good family. Most of my family lives out of town but not too far away.

I have to laugh. My ex has already tried as best she can to cause havoc. Already wants to turn her car back over to me (registered to me) and says she wont pay half of the loss when I sell the vehicle (separation agreement is VERY clear on that). She then contends that the agreement says the house is supposed to be up for sale in two weeks (separation agreement says by end of June) and tells me we need to meet with the real estate agent immediately.

The agreement allows for the dismissal of the domestic violence order, but rolls the conditions of the order into the separation agreement. It does allow contact in simple regards to disposing of our property/finances. She continues to send me texts asking to reconcile and pictures of our pets.

It is funny how six weeks ago I was worthless, a son of a gun, didn't do anything......she didn't care about the house........now she wants "all this to just end" and wants me "to come home".

Hard to hear, but the reality of the situation is now becoming apparent to her. I haven't bothered to reply and simply won't. I've made my mind up. I'm not going back to being her punching bag/emotional target. She can go ruin someone else's life at this point.

I'm sure things will get worse before they get better, but at this point I'm trying to plow ahead. My course is steady and true. Better waters lie ahead.