Divorce (Man Is It Tough)

First marriage lasted 17 years. Guess she didn't care for me cause she was running with her boss. Two girls at the time one was 16 the other was 14. They took it as hard as I did. It will take a while for you to get overt it just don't do anything stupid life will go on. You can replace things you lose in the divorce, your only supporting one now. For me I bought another Harley and did things I always wanted to do. Watch out for the rebound most times it won't be permanent, Not true for me met my second in a bar also don't recommend that but it worked for me we've been together 27 years now. I've bought everything I've always wanted and no one to tell me no, I've got a good one now. My now wife liked to ride the Harley and we've put over 100k on it till it broke and I got injured, looking for a Harley with a sidecar now. I might be old but still like to ride. Do things you always wanted to do and try not to think about your soon to be ex. She won't be thinking about you. Things will eventually work out for you just don't get hitched to another until your sure it's right for you and unless your sure of the new relationship keep things in your name and a prenup can't hurt unless you share the new bills. Just because you bought things before you got married doesn't mean a ex won't sell them on you, make sure they can't get to them. One trick some play is getting a protective order against you then it is difficult for you to get what belongs to you, I've seen that happen. Good luck and keep thinking about the happy times you can have as a loner for awhile.
 
My first marriage lasted 14 years. I have two of the most beautiful daughters in the world. Last year I put all new windows and vinyl siding on the ex's house (she paid me). I was the one that left because the fires had gone out at home and the grass looked greener on the other side of the fence. Unfortunately it still needs to be mowed. That relationship ended a couple of years later and she ended up cheating and marrying the guy.

I stayed single for 10 years, dated a few and then in 1998 found the current wife. It too started out passionate and then cooled down and now she can be tough to live with at times.

So I guess that I don't really have any answers for you other than all wounds heal with time. As others said, the only winners in a divorce are the lawyers. The more you dispute things, both lawyers just keep racking up the hours.

So all in all, relationships like business partnerships are hard. Someone usually thinks that they are getting the short end of the stick and they fail.

I would not recommend dating right away but join a bowling league or play darts. You need something to look forward to while going through the struggle.

The good news is that this too shall pass and now you can do anything that you want, when you want and won't have to ask anyone's permission.

Enjoy your new found freedom while it lasts. ;)
 
Been there twice. First one was really tough because I truly loved that woman.

Just think about the worst situation you've ever been in and remember that you got through that. You'll get through this as well.

The bright side is there are lots of other women available. I found mine and been happily married for 11 years. Sometimes it just takes some of us longer to figure out what we want in life. It isn't the end of the world, just seems like it right now.
 
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Lots of good info in the posts.

I was divorced after 17 years of marriage. At the time I had son 16 and daughter 6. The kids always came first with me in dealing with divorce.

My ex had been cheating on me with co-workers and best friend. We didn't go to court, did everything thru lawyers. In 1989 it cost me $10,000. At first I was really hurt. But I soon got over that when she started trying to screw me over. She told me she had a barracuda for an attorney. I said well I have jaws! She thought she was going to get over on me but that never happened. It took a while to get over, but in hindsight it was a blessing in disguise. One thing I knew for certain, the "I do" will never come from my lips again.

When my then best friends wife passed away she shortly after married the ex best friend. According to my kids, it wasn't all the bliss she had envisioned. Now she's forever locked into marriage, because neither one can afford divorce.

I'm so thankful that my ex best friend cheated with and married her. It saved me from a life of misery and hell. When we were married she was really good looking. Well now she's so hogged up she has to ride in a Freight Liner and not in the cab :)
 
crankyoldlady said:
In reality, it is a process of struggling through three divorces.

The emotional divorce.
The physical divorce.
The legal divorce.

You will grieve the death of the rest of your life as you had thought it was going to be. So expect to suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually. The longer the marriage the greater the attachment which compounds the sense of loss.

This, too, shall pass.
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Yes, all that but don't forget the financial divorce on top of everything else. :( It's maybe not so bad if you don't have kids... but if you do, it's crushing. Up to 25 years of court-ordered child support including medical and college costs are something you will never completely recover from unless you manage to win a lottery grand prize. Employers will see that you are stuck in the child support trap (i.e., pay on time or go to jail) and take full advantage of that. And then there is saving for retirement. What a joke. Forget about it. :rolleyes:
 
My first marriage ended when I was 30. I was completely blindsided and had trusted her relationship with her "friend" at work. Was brutal. Lost 25 pounds, did not sleep for weeks at a time. Went through the entire gamut of emotions. Luckily no kids involved.

Started training Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and have been for 16 years now. Eventually trained for and won an MMA fight. It completely changed how I felt about myself and saved me. I had some great friends and went out to clubs, traveled, hooked up and had fun once I felt better.

I did tons of soul searching and went to counseling while healing. I recognized things I had to work on. During that process I literally felt myself change. I became mentally very strong, but also more outgoing, patient and kind. I had always been a quiet introverted kind of person but realized that can be harmful in relationships. I learned how to listen which does not come easy for men.

4 years later I met my current wife. I was happy, confident and performing at a high level in many aspects of life, including my job. It was love at first sight for both of us. We have the most amazing chemistry still and have been married 9 years now.

I learned so much from that painful time. It occasionally haunts me still but only to reflect and be glad I survived it and came out the other side. With my wife now I wake everday and focus on the quality of the interaction between us. We always have a fun running dialogue between us and she loves me to death.

As far as the pain, just believe you can make it through it. ONE DAY YOU WILL WAKE UP AND IT WILL BE OK. Good luck.
 
pawngal said:
I might be the female (the enemy) BUT do not get involved in the dating scene until you can put this to rest. My guess is your attorney already told you that. When you are ready do not get serious with someone who is recently divorced (or ended relationship.) Rebound relationships very seldom work. I know, I have been on both ends of them.
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Excellent advice here. I would strongly suggest no attempts at dating for a year or so, and no serious relationships for 3 or 4 years (both parties subject to this limitation).

Hunting, fishing, ball games, whatever winds your clock, get out and do them. But steer clear of the women for a good long while so you can become a complete human being again on your own.

Life is every bit as good as we allow it to be. Get up in the morning and think you will have a crappy day, that is what will happen every day. Get up in the morning and decide to have a good day, that is what will happen just about every time.

Best regards.
 
I can't continue to thank everyone enough for sharing their stories here. It makes me feel better to know that others have tread this very same path, and it reassures me to know that everyone survived it.

This forum truly is remarkable. No one here knows me other than from what I post, yet so many of you have shared personal details of your life with me for no reason other than to give me strength. It truly is humbling that you all have shared so much with me. Again, I can't fully communicate how much what you all have shared has helped me.

I really don't have the urge to date or see anyone at this point. I feel emotionally and spiritually broken at this point. I just want to get everything settled and figure out where my life is headed over the course of the next year. In NC we will have to live "separate and apart" for one year before the divorce can be finalized.

My folks and my sister have been really great as have all my friends. I realize that I am fortunate to have them as well as all of you here on the forum. Still, I have my days and my moments where it gets a little rough. I'm praying and trying to lean on God. I truly feel as though He has brought me this far and will not let me fall down at this point.

Again, I really appreciate all the replies and what you all have shared. I go back to court to resolve the Domestic Violence Order on Tuesday. I will try to post an update then.
 
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4506517, I see the badge, do you have POST available through work?
 
6518John said:
"I DON"T!" Two of the most beautiful words in the English language. Right up there with "prenuptial agreement."
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If you feel like you need a prenup you should reconsider marriage.

Trust is what makes a marriage. If you can't trust the person you're marrying than you shouldn't marry.

I know several people who live together who aren't married. One couple for 12 years. No financial commitment and things seem to work just fine. Some people just need some space but the trust isn't there.

Me, I don't roll like that. All in or all out.
 
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Lost my first wife after 27 married. Married her sister, lasted 14 years but divorce was my idea. Cost me a few bucks [Many] but worth it. I kept the house, no children involved. Met & married again. A very nice woman & lasted 5 1/2 years before her passing of an annurism. Now at advanced age no more marriages. Three strikes & I'm out.
 
4506517 said:
Not trying to ask for any sordid details about your divorce. I'm going through a really tough one right now.

How did you make it through? Seems like some days are good days and others are the pits.

What did you do to make it through?

It is proving to be more difficult than I imagined. Any tips for coping would be appreciated.
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When I split from my first wife, I focused on fixing a few things with me. I also wanted to steer clear of alcohol:

1. I wanted to get my head/heart right, so I found my way back into church. Maybe not for you, but this made a huge improvement for me.

2. I wanted to better my mind, so I started college. I got an AS, BA, and am about to complete my MBA.

3. I wanted to get my 21 year old body back, so I went to the gym twice per day. The results spoke for themselves, and it got me a lot of attention. This was the ego stroke that I guess I needed just a little of.

All of this gave me a lot more to offer, both to myself and others. My second wife is a blessing from above, and I know how to treat her right.

Best of luck to you in however you chose to get through this.
 
One day at a time and know that the future will get better. Hard to see that now, but it will. As others have noted, take care of yourself...and if you have kids...put them first.

I walked away from a house and a good amount of $...but I had to do it for my own well-being. Divorced eight years now and have a blast with kids 11 and 13. Rather than date again...I put money toward guns and ammo...a much better investment for me.

Good luck brother...
 
Never went down that road either. Based on my observations:
1. A divorce is like a bar fight or dealing with a mugger or an armed robber.
You have one goal-PREVAIL. You focus on YOUR survival, and nothing else. Devote all your resources to defeating them. And like war, don't hesitate to seek allies.
2. Silence is golden-you let your lawyer do the talking, that's what they are paid for.
3. As cruel as it sounds, I am a firm believer in the Clean Break. None of this "we can still be friends" or "we share the children" nonsense. The fewer reminders you have, the better.
 
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