Divorce: When It Comes To An End

I appreciate everyone sharing such personal things with me.

Sadly, due to her "volatility" I will have to be the one that leaves. Unfortunately it will also have to be unannounced, due to her "history" of being uncontrollable.

I have kept my online presence to a minimum. I don't have Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Pinterest, etc. This is the only place I participate online.

Again, I really appreciate everyone sharing. It really helps.
 
I disagree with the advice about hiring a "junkyard dog" attorney.

Unless there are significant amounts of assets to be divided, you will be better served by hiring a local attorney who specializes in domestic law and who has a good reputation for reasonableness. Your interests will be protected and defended, while at the same time your attorney will be able to cooperate (I hope) with the other side's attorney. This is a much better situation than one in which take-no-prisoners attorneys are involved, which will lengthen and complicate things unnecessarily (except for the wallets of the attorneys).

Too often, I think, divorcing people hire hard-nosed attorneys as a way of making the opposing party's life as difficult as possible, for selfish and hurtful reasons. It doesn't help, and when all is said and done, you won't be any more or less divorced than if you had gone with reasonable, professional, and non-ego-driven attorneys.

Trust me on this one.
 
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OP: a divorce, like most significant moves, is best when planned.

Talk to a good divorce lawyer before you announce your intent : divorce planning can make a huge difference.

Do what your lawyer tells you to do.
 
Don't do like my friend's son just did. Wife cleaned him out one weekend he was away. He divorced her which cost lots of money. 6 months later they are dating and living together again. My friend said, "He has lost his mind."
 
I feel your pain, been divorced twice; time heals all things eventually.

Get yourself a good female lawyer that specializes in "Divorce with dignity," pay her for advice. You get what you pay for here... nothing.

Good luck and try to stay focused while on the job, don't let this get you down too much.

There truly are worse things in life...
 
I can offer nothing but sympathy. The best, most amicable divorces are still ugly.

leswad said:
You know why divorce is so expensive?... Because it is worth it:)
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This is so sad that people think this way. It's true that many divorces started long before the marriage. But that doesn't mean it has to be this way.


I tell everyone I know who is contemplating marriage, the worst day single is better than the best day in a bad marriage.
 
1) Hire a DIVORCE attorney, preferably through friend referral.

2) Listen to that attorney and ONLY to that attorney. If you feel you can't, that means you don't trust that attorney, meaning repeat step 1.

3) Take this subject off line and private, with your ATTORNEY, and ONLY with your attorney.

FAIR is a term that only has meaning to ONE person and it rarely is the same between the participants of a divorce.

I have a pre-nup and would still follow my guidelines above!

Best of luck......
 
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Good advice throughout the thread. I'll only add:

1) Document and create a timeline for her volatile behavior and self-medicating; obtain as much verifiable information regarding both as possible.

2) Get your financial ducks in a row, hire the lawyer and put everything in place well before you actually leave or sue for divorce or even hint at either.

3) Already advised but worth repeating: keep your nose clean in every way -- personal and professional -- until the papers are signed and the divorce legally finalized.
 
Do not use the same lawyer in a "mutually agreeable" divorce, or at least make darn sure that it is your lawyer and not hers, or you will regret until Gabriel blows his horn.
 
My brother,
The Thin Blue Line here is wishing you the best. There is plenty of good advice from the forum members, and just make sure your mind is right when you go on duty. You need to draw on what resources your Dept. has available for you such as counseling, Chaplain if your inclined, or any other resource they have.

One thing I can recommend is that you keep your supervisor informed as to your actions. The reason is, that she may call in phony complaints that you assaulted her, made threats, pointed a gun at her and anything else she can dream up. Your Dept. will have no choice but to investigate or worse by having another agency investigate. Then your business is going to known by everybody and your probably going on desk duty or administrative leave. As a LEO, you probably know which Attorney is considered the best in your area and will work hard for you. HIRE Him/Her even though the cost may be high. You have too much to lose..

Best to you,
 
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BigBill said:
Why can't two agree to divorce. Split things equally. Be friends after parting. Use one lawyer. Keep it simple and affordable.
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I actually have close friends who are going through their divorce in this manner right now.

They've been married for 32 years, and we've been friends for more than 20 years. I cannot count the times I've heard her put him down, belittle him, ridicule him, and generally embarrass him, especially in front of his friends and neighbors. She talks to him like he's an idiot, which is something no one should ever do to his/her spouse. Their marriage has basically been dead for years. She isn't really happy over the split, but she is smart enough to realize the marriage is over as far as he is concerned, so she is consenting to the divorce.

One of the reasons the divorce is going so smoothly is that he is going out of his way to be fair. He is giving up his share of the house, plus he took money out of his 401K to pay off the mortgage. He is retired, and will give her half his pension. He will keep her on his health insurance as long as possible. He doesn't want to fight or debate or give money to lawyers...he just wants out. I can't blame him. She is a beautiful and charming woman...but I can't imagine being married to someone like that.
 
4506517 said:
I'd just like to thank everyone again for all the suggestions and advice.

You guys have been very helpful.
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When I was going through my own divorce, my best friend offered the following words of comfort to me: Ending a bad marriage is one of the hardest things you'll do, and when it's over, you'll realize it's one of the best things you ever did.

Good luck to you. :)
 
pawngal said:
Did you own the house before you were married? If so, you should be able to keep it. Otherwise, sell it and both move on.
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Depends on what state you live in, because here in MA, that means nothing. A friend of mine just learned that....

Get a great lawyer and follow the rules. I wish you the best of luck my friend! The weight will soon be lifted and all wounds will be healed! Just stay positive and smart!!
 
Get started ASAP. I sat on my hands for a year after I got a legal separation (waste of time) before I divorced the spawn of Satan. If you're not married ten years she might not get part of your pension or SS if you act quick. A friend of mine was married to a nut job and the court held up the divorce for years until she was stable. The girls in your case are reaching the age where you could have real trouble. I had to abandon a 5 year relationship with a really nice woman because her 3 girls went berserk when they reached HS age one by one.
Make a list of questions and bring it with before you talk to a lawyer. Don't give a retainer to the first lawyer you speak to. Get a move on. It's like a toothache, you gotta deal with it, the sooner the better.
 
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Tolerance is the key. My wife was really sick with the same cancer twice.
If she wanted to leave me I wouldn't stand in her way. I'm disabled and she takes care of me but I hold her back from things she wants to do. I don't want to stand in her way. If she wanted to go I'd let her go. I have had my battle with cancer too. Fourty years is a longtime to be married.

Both people have to be happy together. Marriage is a tough thing to live with if the two don't get along.
 
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Anyone else go through a bad divorce?
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Sir, there is no such thing as a good divorce, some are just worse than others.
Bite the bullet and get the best damn lawyer in the area; in the long run it will be money well spent. Now that you have that high priced legal talent LISTEN to what he tells you. Remember this is no time to be Mr. Nice guy.
 
My heart goes out to you ALL, I've been there

4506517 said:
My wife is very controlling. That, coupled with low self esteem and bi polar disorder which she is "self medicating" has created an environment which I am increasing unable to tolerate.
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First thing POST-HASTE is secure ALL guns. Move them to a safe location.

Second thing is cancel all credit cards/accounts. Also remove your name from joint bank accounts.

My advice is the same to you as the lawyer gave me in a similar situation about 30 years ago. "No emotional pleas, no BS, like it or not, you are the 'responsible adult' in this union & the judge has heard all possible excuses.

Your guns are an asset in the divorce settlement but a liability 'till any physical separation, move them to a secure location, then inventory them. Get a bid/appraisal from a local dealer that he will treat as a firm offer to buy for cash. Give this document to your lawyer & be prepared to pay her half.

Make a list of community property & price everything as if you were buying TODAY, $1 more it's yours.

You need a lawyer & find one that will present a fair but firm division of assets. Depending her medical/work history, 50/50 may turn out to be more like 80/20 AFTER the bills are paid as it was in my case.

Contact me by PM or Email thru the profile. Every state legal system is different, but I will offer as much support as I can from actual experience. Contact me with a phone No., I will call you so we can talk.
 
Frankly, unless you have children, I see no reason to stay in a bad marriage.

If you want out, you'll have to harden your heart some and gird up for battle. The dogs will be the least of your worries.

You will be responsible for debts no matter who they're assigned to, unless it's something like a student loan, where only one person is responsible. Other than that, creditors will still come after you.

As my attorney used to tell me, except the divorce decree and child support orders, any other property/debt assignment is nothing but a piece if paper. If the other party doesn't honor it, all you can do is go back to court. So pick your battles carefully. I've had friends in divorces say "yeah, but he had this $5,000 something that's half mine." I say forget it & get on with your life. Know how quickly you'll blow through $5000 in legal fees, just to get a piece of paper that the other person can ignore.
 
Consult an experienced domestic relations attorney in your state. Much of the advice you are being given by well-meaning members here can have VERY negative consequences depending on your jurisdiction. If you are smart, you'll accept the moral support of your friends here and ignore the advice as to how to deal with assets and debt.
 
vigil617 said:
I disagree with the advice about hiring a "junkyard dog" attorney.

Unless there are significant amounts of assets to be divided, you will be better served by hiring a local attorney who specializes in domestic law and who has a good reputation for reasonableness. Your interests will be protected and defended, while at the same time your attorney will be able to cooperate (I hope) with the other side's attorney. This is a much better situation than one in which take-no-prisoners attorneys are involved, which will lengthen and complicate things unnecessarily (except for the wallets of the attorneys).

Too often, I think, divorcing people hire hard-nosed attorneys as a way of making the opposing party's life as difficult as possible, for selfish and hurtful reasons. It doesn't help, and when all is said and done, you won't be any more or less divorced than if you had gone with reasonable, professional, and non-ego-driven attorneys.

Trust me on this one.
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THIS. The junkyard dog will be happy to submarine any settlement prospect and rack up more fees. If the court concludes that he or she took unreasonable positions on your behalf, you may get to pay the other side's lawyer for having to respond. In my neck of the woods, judges don't reward folks for having jerks for lawyers.
 
At the time 18 years ago it was the most devastating thing I've ever encountered. Going through it dominated your life during the process. Then my mother died and I learned things can be worse. I was never so poor than after divorce but that changed, my 5 year old at the time is grown college graduated and I married again 9 years ago. I wonder now why I allowed it to consume my entire life for so many months but it did and your mind doesn't let you have a choice. Best of luck hang in there
 
A former partner gave this advice to one and all who would ask for his advice:
1. "They" might come into a marriage hungry and barefoot, but "They" don't leave the marriage that way.
2. It might have been "Your" before the marriage, but now it is ALL theirs.
3. to hurt you even more "They" will insist on having the dog and guns.
4. NEVER accumulate more stuff than will fit into two suitcases, in this way leaving will be easier.
5. Before the marriage you were "THEIR hero, but after the marriage YOU will be a "Dirty ***" (Always)
6. "They" are all pigs except the one you marry and she is a sow.
7. Plan on coming out of the marriage bare *** and penniless
8. no price is too high to gain you freedom
9. run, don't walk, to get away from the bitch, and NEVER look back

*** my former partner was married four (4) times.
 
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Not going to rehash what others have said.

In my case, going on 4 years now since my Divorce. I could not be happier in my new life since getting married again in 2011.

Anyways, my thoughts are in no particular order:

Get a lawyer who is familiar with the laws in your state, and sit down to discuss what you want out of the deal. Your retirement pension, your 401K or savings plan, education and child support all ought to be part of the conversation.

Don't move out of the house.

Treat all parties with respect, but do not assume they (e.g. Soon to be Ex, her attorney, her kids) have any of your interests at heart. They don't.

Make a complete and accurate inventory of your/her tangible assets. Start a log book of all divorce related discussions, activities etc. Keep records.

Don't be a sap and say, oh, all I want is this and such. No, you have 50% share in this deal and you owe YOUR estate (current or future kids, future wife 2.0) your part in it.

Lastly, it does get better, it just takes time and space.

Good luck brother. We are here for you.
 
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