For those in law Enforcement, Active or Retired

The only thing worse than offenders using the "these ain't my pants" line, which is old, tired, and far beyond cliche is the Washington Supreme Court buying it, especially after the trial judge did not. State v. Blake, 197 Wn. 2d 170 (2021).
 
Not an LEO, but I am a freelance Court Reporter and chief "go-fer" for a local attorney. He had a young punk client who, along with a buddy, committed a major-scale vandalism of the vehicles and buildings of a local business. The whole escapade was recorded on a system of video cameras that showed every aspect of the crime, from every angle, right from the minute the two drove on to the property. "That's not me," was his first excuse -- despite the fact that it was clearly him, right down to the tattoos, hat and T-shirt he was still wearing while being interrogated. Finally convinced that wasn't working, he switched to, "I have a bad sleep-walking problem. I must've been asleep at the time."
Oh-kayyy...
 
Arrested a woman for DUI 30 miles from town. Cuffed her and put her in the back seat.
I radioed in. Female prisoner. My location and in route to SO. This was standard procedure back then.

She started ranting, " You wanna play with my boobs? You might as well screw me, I'm going to accuse you of it anyway"

I keyed the mike on my radio and stuck it down beside my leg.

Every LEO, WHP, PD and SO in SE Wyoming could hear her yelling and ranting. The WHP and SO dispatchers were tape recording too.


Two days after being released, she and her attorney went to the County Attorney's office to file charges against me.



County attorney played the tape recording of her ranting. It got real quiet in the office.
They decided not to press charges and she pled guilty to the DUI charge
 
Iggy said:
Arrested a woman for DUI 30 miles from town. Cuffed her and put her in the back seat.
I radioed in. Female prisoner. My location and in route to SO. This was standard procedure back then.

She started ranting, " You wanna play with my boobs? You might as well screw me, I'm going to accuse you of it anyway"

I keyed the mike on my radio and stuck it down beside my leg.

Every LEO, WHP, PD and SO in SE Wyoming could hear her yelling and ranting. The WHP and SO dispatchers were tape recording too.


Two days after being released, she and her attorney went to the County Attorney's office to file charges against me.



County attorney played the tape recording of her ranting. It got real quiet in the office.
They decided not to press charges and she pled guilty to the DUI charge
Click to expand...

Back before body cams I used to carry a small tape recorder in my shirt pocket. I love the look on their faces when you play it back to them. That thing saved me a lot of trouble.
 
I stopped a guy walking one night when he blurted out "I don't know nothing about breaking in that boxcar!" Neither did I...yet. I hooked him up and put him in the cage. I told him "You don't want to waste my time looking for that boxcar." He told me where it was. It was on a sidetrack next to a local beer distributor. Several people ran off when I pulled up. There was a trail of beer between the boxcar and a housing project across the tracks. I found out later my guy was the one who originally popped the lock.
 
Stopped a young woman for C&R driving in heavy traffic. She got me so mad I mouthed off a bit and asked her had she lost her mind? Didn't think much of it until her stepfather (a defense attorney it turned out) approached me before court to ask what had happened? I told him and he informed me she had told him I'd cussed her out and threatened her. She and her mother were terribly upset! I got him a recording of the stop and my interaction with his stepdaughter. The plea turned to guilty and I never heard any more.
 
In law school I did a "internship" at the Allegheny Co Public Defenders office at the "request" of the Dean of Pitt's Law School. Who says no to the Dean.

. First day all the other law students (6 or 8 IIRC) are women from Duquesne; the "other law School" in the Burgh. Cus I'm the only male student at the PD office; I get to do all the intakes at the old County jail. I spent one day a week for 2 years in the OLD, I mean 19th century old, County lock up.......... no one ever even claimed to be innocent.....heard every excuse in the book........ most common line "You got to get me out of here!!!"

But two good things came out of the experience...... ended up dating one of the Duquesne women for about a year and a half :D...... and lost all interest in criminal law!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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I was processing a burglary scene for latent prints when the resident, who was the sole occupant, directed me to a closet where something was missing. When I opened the closet door there was a 5 gallon lawn & leaf bag full of pot. He said it wasn't his and didn't know how it got there.
 
A while back I was in on an arrest in a parking lot, of a guy who had listed an expensive, and stolen piece of jewelry on FaceBook for sale. Undercover set up the buy, signaled when the deal was done, and we came in for the arrest.

He looks at me and asks if he can still sell the ring to the undercover because he would need the money for bail.

When told the buyer was an undercover officer, he looks back at me and says.... "But he might still WANT it!".

Nothing follows a stupid question better than an even MORE stupid statement.
 
One more old story:

I'm at the courthouse waiting to be called as arresting officer in a burglary trial, standing in the hallway in my new 3-piece suit and tie with a leather portfolio containing my reports and case notes. Bozo comes up to me in the hallway, desperate for attention, waiting for his first appearance on a felony case, obviously thinking that such a fine looking young guy in a good suit at the courthouse must be a lawyer ready to represent him. Waiting until the day of your arraignment to try and hire a lawyer in the courthouse hallway is probably not the best plan.

I interrupted him a couple of times, but he kept rambling on. After several minutes of listening I couldn't resist, so I asked him if he had done the dirty deed. He readily acknowledged being guilty, but complained that a new felony in Colorado would violate his Florida parole, so he really needed help right away.

I told him I couldn't help him. He asked why not? I showed him my badge, told him I wasn't a lawyer, but I might be a witness at his hearing.

It was a very nice suit! Much better than some of the lawyers wore to court. I wish I could still fit in that suit today.
 
One night I was riding shotgun with another officer when we observed a car driving slowly in the left lane of a divided highway. He was doing about thirty, had his hazard flashers on but no headlights. I lit him up and he promptly drove off the highway and into a large culvert in the median. The driver's door was against the culvert mouth so that we had to open the passenger door to help him out. My partner asked if he was alright and his response?
"Oh yeah, yeah. I'm too ####faced to get hurt."
 
One more- I stopped a guy for DWI. He was blistered drunk. Failed every test but very polite and cooperative. I had a habit of looking up driving history before going to the jail with drunks. As I looked at this guys record I saw several DWI's going back several years. The guy realized what I was doing and said, "Look officer, can't you just beat my *** and drop me off at the county line? That's what they used to do." You just can't make this stuff up.
 
I picked up a second offense burglar after his wife pawned some of the fruits of the crime. As I walked him to the car he quipped "I don't know how you got me this time, but it wasn't fingerprints - I wore gloves on all those jobs".

In my patrol days I found a car high-centered on a guardrail. Wheels spinning, but going nowhere. Driver thoroughly soused. His objection? "How can you say I was driving drunk when my wheels weren't touching the ground?" And he beat it on that very defense: a guardrail is not a public way. (It didn't hurt that his brother was Gerry Spence's law partner)
 
Our Swat Team served the Search Warrants.....One early Morning, they hit a drug house....I was standing by when One of the Guys said "Mikey, come look at all this"...As I walked into one of the bedrooms containing a large amount of drugs, We heard a noise coming from the Closet...We looked up and saw a Subject drop down on the carpeted floor from the Attic access hatch...He dropped on all fours and started to crabwalk toward the door... Scrawny little guy in his 40's....reminded me of the pink panther cartoon.

He was completely naked and covered in a white powder....He was shocked, and in disbelief we saw him and stopped him...He spoke good English and explained to Me that He had gone to his Spiritual adviser and paid a substantial sum of money for a Powder that when applied would make him Invisible to the Police.....One of the Guys brought him a wet towel to clean up and and we got him some clothes before Transport.
 
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