Fun with lawyers

[CAJUNLAWYER]

The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
<span class="ev_code_RED">(my favorite)</span>

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the C ircus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I fini shed.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[nicky4968]

One of the many I got over 30 years.

Q. How far was it from where you were standing on the sidewalk to the telephone pole where the accident happened?
A. Sixty-three feet, eight and three-quarter inches.
Q. How is it that you know that answer with such particularity?
A. Because I knew some dumb SOB (he pronounced all the words) like you would ask me, so I measured it.

 

[BarbC]

This one is true:

"Your Honor, the allegations be a lie and the alligator be a liar!"

 

[Indiana George]

Excellent

 

[truckemup97]

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

Was that from the now infamous Abbot v. Costello?

 

[Ohio Outdoorsman]

Most fun I ever had with a lawyer was in the early 70's. I was on the local Police Dept. I think it was DUI trial. The defendant's attorney was a well known Lowlife pull all the tricks dirty little creep of a lawyer (the one I would call if I was ever in trouble). He would ask me a question and I would look at the palm of my hand and answer. This only happened a few times before he a made big deal out of the fact that I was apparently answering from notes and demanded they be read to the court for the record. The judge asked me if I had a note in my hand. And I told him it was just something written on the palm of my hand. He then directed me to read it out loud. I told him I didn't think I should but he demanded that I read it. So I read " Whatever you do don't let that little sawed of SOB Pi$$ you off" Needless to say the judge think too much of it and I got chewed out. But the look on that lawyers face and the laughter in the courtroom was priceless. I do remember we got a conviction. A few days later when I was up in the court for something else the judge called me aside and told me that he thought it was hilarious but don't ever do it again. True story, I was still fairly new and was put up to it by one of the older officers.

 

[44forever]

True exchange from 1997.

Lawyer: Sgt. Johnson, how long have you been a peace officer?
Me: About eleven years.
Lawyer: And in that time, have you ever seen anyone arrested?
Me: (following a period of shocked silence) Uh, yes, at least a thousand, give or take a few.

If I had been the defendent, I would definitely have asked for an attorney that had passed both the Bar exam and an IQ test!

 

[sash]

Hey, I resemble some of those remarks!!

I'm not that dumb, really, but I have stepped in it in court at least once.

 

[redlevel]

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room

 

[Jellybean]

I recently had a funny conversation with my social security attorney. It occured the day after I got my 'unfavorable' decision and read the part where the judge said there was no evidence of me being at a Doctors office or clinic in the three years the attorney was supposed to be preparing my case so I was obviously lying about my condition.

Me: "You're fired".

 

[Community]

thanks for all the laughs. I love attorney jokes. I hate attornies.

 

[walkinghorse]

I love attorney jokes. I hate attornies.

Out of curiosity WHY do you hate attorneys?

No different than any other class of livelyhood, good ones, bad ones, funny ones, smart ones, lazy ones, prepared ones, etc.!

Do you know who the lawyers are that post on this forum? Some funny stuff, some important stuff, and some well...stuff

comes from them, again as with any group of people.

When you need one, they do become indispensable!

 

[Retired LTC USAR]

I hate attorneys because they make and pass laws that the average man cannot understand. Tax laws are a prime example. Laws sahould be written in plain everyday english, so I do not have to guess what I am reading. Also, why do they charge so much? Because they are the only ones who understand the laws they pass. They got us by the balls and just keep on squeezing them.

 

[Lt JL]

Surprisingly, I don't dislike defense attorneys. I even have a retired cop buddy who has gone over to the Dark Side. What really gets me stirred up is stupid prosecutors, or prosecutors who only care about clearances, not convictions, or prosecutors who will practically plea bargain an aggravated murder down to simple assault. You get the idea.

 

[sash]

For those of you that "hate" us lawyers, try to remember that not all gun owners go into colleges and shoot kids, etc., just like not all lawyers are greedy crooks that want to become president or congressmen.

There are all different kinds of people working as attorneys, and MOST of us can even laugh at good lawyer jokes. There is some funny stuff in this thread, to be sure!

 

[walkinghorse]

I hate attorneys because they make and pass laws that the average man cannot understand.

Retired...not all politicians are attorneys, not all attorneys are politicians! But doesn't it take an elected politican to make laws, pass laws, veto or sign laws into being?

Know some pretty good people that are attorneys, but politicians??????

 

[ingmansinc]

There have been a few people over the years that I have decided to stay away from for one reason or another, but I can't understand why anyone would hate an entire group. That old phrase innocent until proven guilty sure gives your profession a black eye unless a person on the outside stops to think about what it really means.

Lots of laughs on this thread.

 

[hoglaw]

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

I had one very similar. She says the accident affected her memory. I asked "How has this memory problem affected your memory?".

Her response: "What memory problem?"

I think I gave up about there.

Best one was the woman who testified she could no longer raise her hand higher than her shoulder. She demonstrated by raising her hand to about shoulder height. I asked how high she had been able to raise it before the accident. She then raised her hand to full extension, way over her head, and said "about this high"...(funnier when told in person with a demonstration).

 

[straightshooter1]

I think we had this conversation before, Lt JL, but in case I am wrong, Plea Bargaining may be the only way to save the case like when THE witness dies, or changes his testimony or the Miranda Waiver is found to be bad or....

And, as to convictions, a prosecutor's ethics require him to "seek justice, not merely convictions." Doesn't mean the prosecutor doesn't want to get one, but sometimes it may not be the right thing to do. We have withholding of adjudications here, so one can get a second chance and not be a convicted felon. Sometimes, that's the right thing to do.

I can't stand lawyers, whether they are prosecutors or defense attorneys who are "trial shy." Afraid or unwilling to actually try a case. Most lawyers are not trial attorneys and that's fine-they make a lot more money and live longer. But if one is holding oneself out as a trial lawyer, then one needs to do trials. Sadly, that's sometimes not the case.

And there are stupid prosecutors, stupid defense lawyers, stupid cops, stupid plumbers, ....

But, I kinda like bashing lawyers myself.

Bob

 

[CAJUNLAWYER]

Originally posted by Retired LTC, USAR:
I hate attorneys because they make and pass laws that the average man cannot understand. Tax laws are a prime example. Laws sahould be written in plain everyday english, so I do not have to guess what I am reading. Also, why do they charge so much? Because they are the only ones who understand the laws they pass. They got us by the balls and just keep on squeezing them.

Well, looks to me like someone wished he had went to Law School there Sparky!!