Funny Stuff Prisoners Say

[jdh]

The electrical foreman was out of his shop and one inmate was left in the shop when I went in for a security check. The inmate was holding a copy of Playgirl magazine. Out of the blue he said "I didn't know I was a homosexual until I got locked up for thirty years."

 

[Broke Hoss]

My response to "These ain't my pants".....

I ain't charging you with owning it, just possessing it.

 

[nawilson]

I once asked a guy if he had anything on him I would want to know about. he replied that he didn't know because anyone could have put something in his pockets. I guess that was his idea of an explanation for the marijuana in his pocket.

The best I never heard personally was, the officer asks the DUI driver how many he has had to drink. The drunk replies, "All of 'em!"

 

[timn8er]

Back in the days when I was treating alcoholics, addicts and their families for a living we had a street drunk named Lonnie who had perfected a way of making a living that worked for years. After serving a thirty-day jail sentence he'd hit the street, get drunk, and try to punch a cop. Back in jail for thirty days. They'd give him his trusty's uniform and put him back to work in the jail kitchen. He'd preach sermons (pretty good ones, by all accounts) to the other inmates. Then he'd get out, get drunk, try to punch a cop...

One morning he was arraigned in police court after one of his escapades, along with a bunch of other guys who had been popped for public intoxication the night before. The judge, who had a sense of humor and was known to indulge a bit himself, said, "Lonnie, I'm not feeling too good this morning, so I'm going to let you pass sentence on all these drunks." Lonnie said, "Thank you, Your Honor, I'm going to let 'em all go, credit time served. But I'm gonna make an example of myself: thirty days!"

You sure his name wasn't Otis?

 

[pawncop]

Several years ago I served a warrant for unlawful possession of a firearm by a felon on a young lady. She was fussing pretty good and wanted to know why I had the warrant, I told her she had pawned a rifle. She wanted to know what was the big deal about pawning a rifle, and told her she had a felony drug conviction and could not possess a firearm.

She had the weirdest expression and said "Aw $$$$, I forgot I was a felon".

 

[Whit]

Many years ago I stopped a vehicle after following it long enough to see that he could not maintain a single lane if traffic...actually he was doing well to keep it between the ditches. Got the driver out of the vehicle and began field sobriety tests, which amazingly, he could pass but he smelled like a brewery and he couldn't drive. I told him he was under arrest for DWI and that he'd have an opportunity to take a breathe test at the jail, which he agreed to do.

In those days it took a while to set up the machine to administer the test. By the time the operator was ready my prisoner was showing the effects of the booze. Legal intoxication at that time was .10 blood alcohol. He blew .25; he was double drunk and a half. As a result I informed him he was being charged and jailed and began the booking process.

The prisoner was required to read and sign the portion of the form which listed the personal affects taken from him. I completed the form, slid it across the counter for him to read and sign. By this time he was really showing the affects of the alcohol, weaving as he stood up. He picked up the form and held it out at arms length then pulled it right up to his nose. He put it back down on the counter, put his hands on his hips weaving to and fro and looked at me.

I had on a pair of prescription glasses that I only wore at night. He said to me in a typical drunk's slurred speech, "Offizzur, I left my testicles at home. Can I borrow yours? Needless to say I cracked up. Been asked to borrow a lot of stuff, but that was a first.

 

[model70hunter]

A fellow was released on parole and was back selling his "wares" by dark. I arrested him, I had him assume the position on the patrol car front fender. He spun and tried to throw a punch. I blocked it and uh, perhaps threw a punch, it all happened so fast I don't remember, whew. I put his nose on the hood and cuffed him. Patted him down, took his knife and we took him to county lock up.

The jailer asked if he was clean. I said nothing in his pants pockets, he had on a flannel shirt with 2 pockets. The jailer pulled out his bag of unsold dope and asked the guy what this was. He looked at the bag, blinked for a while and said, oh shoot, I started the fight to throw the dope away. I threw the money away and kept the dope. Poor fellow was sent back to the old State Pen in Jefferson City Monday morning. Besides the dope selling the High Sheriff told the judge the guy had assaulted a Deputy by hitting the Deputies hand with his face. Hey assault is assault.

I will never forget the look on that guys face when the jailer pulled out the bag of dope. Priceless.

 

[the ringo kid]

Another "classic" one that always got me was when they would say: "I was framed."

 

[shouldazagged]

You sure his name wasn't Otis?

Nope, 'twas ol' Lonnie. The judge laughed so hard he practically had to be helped off the bench for a short recess.

 

[Malpasowildlifer]

"I spar with Jet Li mentally in my mind"

 

[Stephanie B]

I'm kind of guessing that the conversation went like this:

The cops wanted to question two fireman about poaching deer. So they asked: "Do you know why we are questioning you?"

The firemen: "On account of those buildings we burned down?"

Well, no, that's not the answer the cops were looking for, but they rolled with it.

 

[gtk]

This is a classic... The audio is floating around in the internet somewhere..

Drunk Bridgeton man calls 911 from patrol car, claims kidnapping | NJ.com

State police said an intoxicated man being driven to his southern New Jersey home by troopers called 911 and claimed they were kidnapping him.

The incident began after the Bridgeton man — whose name was not disclosed — was taken to the state police barracks in that Cumberland County community earlier this month.

Law enforcement officers had found him while investigating a disorderly persons call in Bridgeton and decided to transport him home, putting him in the cruiser's back seat.

After making the fake 911 call, he continued to be disorderly despite repeated warnings. When the troopers pulled over and tried to arrest him, he resisted but was eventually restrained and taken back to the barracks.

He was charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and obstruction.

 

[snubbyfan]

A young lady was pulled over for speeding, the West Virginia state trooper came over and asked, "do you know why I pulled you over?" She replied, "to sell me a ticket to the West Virginia state troopers ball?" He replied, "West Virginia state troopers don't have balls." Then he stopped for a second, said nothing closed his ticket book and left.

 

[feralmerril]

I have a old buddy tell me this one. He checked out a parked car in the boonies and it was two lovers. He put the light on them and the guy says, "Just a minuet, just a minuet, just a minuet"!

 

[SgtLumpy]

This one isn't really about something a prisoner said...

I was a young cop, going to work on the afternoon shift that starts at 3pm. In this department we drove our POVs to work in uniform, went to squad meeting, then went out in the world in our patrol cars.

I came to work in uniform, wearing my uniform windbreaker jacket as it was just mildly cool. But when I went out on patrol I took my jacket off, now in shirtsleeves.

Just a couple of minutes later, made a traffic stop on a car that was just plain driving stupid. Over the speed limit, weaving in and out of lanes without signaling etc. Pulled her over in about the busiest part of town on Central Ave, right around 3:30 in the afternoon, lots of other motorist traffic.

Approached the car, asked the lady for her license, reg, insurance etc, had my cite book in hand, kept my eye on traffic etc, all the stuff you're supposed to do. As I was explaing why I stopped her, other cars were driving by and honking and yelling "Woo Hoo". Sometimes that happens when you stop someone that's been driving like an idiot. The other drivers are happy to "See a cop stop somebody who needs it".

So I'm talking with the driver, cars going by "applauding" me, the driver starts to snicker. She's trying to laugh but she doesn't want to while I'm there.

Finally I ask "What's so funny?"

Long story short, I had a pair of sexy, red, women's panties (my wife's) stuck to the back of my uniform shirt, courtesy of dryer static cling. That's what all the passing motorists were "WOO HOO"'ing at as they passed by.

I handed the lady her documents, asked her to slow down and signal when she made lane changes and left.


Sgt Lumpy

 

[vinny77]

while traveling down the florida turnpike, a gentleman noticed that he was being followed by a state trooper. he immediatley took off and a high speed chase began. after several miles, he pulled over. When the trooper approached the car, he asked the gentleman why he was trying to outrun him. the reply was," About 20 years ago my wife ran off with a trooper and I thought you were try to bring her back!

 

[rog8732]

This tale is about an old old friend who had not quite reached the status of "prisoner" at the time, but made up for it ten-fold in later years.... When we were in the 12 to 14 year old category, there was a notorious bunch of truck stops on a route that ran from Norfolk Va. into Greensboro NC., and much further south as well, I suppose.
.These truck stops had begun to have a second "service" that had nothing to do with diesel fuel and blue-plate specials. They had become houses of" female consorting" that were famous, or infamous, depending on your point of view.

One in particular would let us little raggedy scudders come in sometime and buy a coke and just oogle the merchandise,but always warned us to skedaddle out the back if any of the local deputies drove up on a raid or anything.

Sure enough,one evening about dark, four of us had treked about three miles to get a coke, ( often a Pepsi to split between two or three of us) and the laws rolled in just as the oogling and teasing got started. We all ran out the back to a wooded area half filled with old junked cars, and my old friend, a skinny 13 year old at the time, hid in one. No wheels ,up on blocks of wood, hood off, no motor, and only one door left...Well the deputy came out the back and took about 5 seconds to spot him with his flashlight and said,.."whatcha doing runnin outa that hohouse boy"?.. My old pal, calm as could be, replied, "officer, I won't in there, I just drove up". We all busted out laughing from our hiding places, and the cop cracked up as well.."yall get the hell outa here" he said as he went back inside to get his Coca-Cola.....or whatever. Regards

 

[crows]

One saturday morning me and another officer were dispatched to a couple arguing. They were both still drunk from the night before and wanted us to over see them dividing their belongings as they were done with each other. We told them we don't do that and to just get some sleep, then talk about it.
As we were leaving we both agreed we'd be back before the end of the shift. We were.
I got there first, heard someone screaming and went inside. She was standing there screaming incoherently and I could smell singed hair. She turned around and the hair on the back of her head was burned almost to the scalp and her sweater was burned. Long story short, they had continued arguing and it got physical. He wound up pushing her backward onto the stove in the kitchen with all four burners on high.
Needless to say he went in cuffs and in the back of my car. As I was driving him back to station for processing he kept asking why he was arrested. I kept telling him it was for domestic violence. He kept saying that he hadn't hit her. I finally responded with "yes, but you set her on fire". With an absolutely sincere look on his face he said "ya, but I put her out!"Kinda hard to argue with that logic.

 

[Plinker1962]

Just about everyone knows how testifying in traffic court goes. The judge asks the officer for his explanation, then it's the defendants turn to ask the officer questions, then finally back to the officer.

I was a rookie officer who issued a citation using radar. The only thing I knew about radar was that you had to check it before and after your shift to make sure it was calibrated and in working order.

In court the judge asked me if I had issued a citation on (date/time). I answered "Yes" and he said can you tell me about it. I gave the standard answer, checked for calibration before/after my shift and it appeared to be in working order.....blah, blah, blah, and issued a citation.

The judge turned to the defendant and asked if she had any question(s) she'd like to ask the officer. She said "Yes" and brought out a yellow legal pad of paper with writing all over it. (I could hear laughing behind me coming from other officers who also had traffic cases.) She began by asking me how long I had been a police officer, followed by how long I had been using radar, was I familiar with it, and how does it work. Not having yet had the class for radar (but you could used it) I told her that use the radar to confirm my estimate of how fast a vehicle is traveling. I point the radar in the vehicles direction which will read out a speed then I push the button to lock the speed. She said "No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is do you know the inner workings of the radar gun you were using?". I told her "No". She told the judge she would like the citation dismissed because "It is obvious the officer should know how his radar works before he uses it". She had no further questions and the judge turned back to me asking if I had anything further to say. I told him "Yes" and he said "Go ahead". I then asked the defendant if she was still driving the vehicle I cited her in and she said "Yes". I asked her if she knew the firing order of her engine and she said "No". I looked at the judge and said "I have no furthers questions, your Honor". He took the case under advisement and I received his decision about a week later.........guilty!

 

[nicky4968]

Not the statement of the defendant, but the security officer.
He was black, and his name was Maurice. He preferred to be called Lucky. He had spent his early 20s working as a bricklayer (as had I, several decades before.) To say he was "fit" is an understatement. We often had coffee together during the day.
Long story short, we had a pro se husband in a divorce. Even though most judges cut a pro se party a little slack, this guy was way over the line. He kept jumping up and yelling . . . whatever you think he was yelling.
Finally the judge told him, "If you do that again, I'll put in jail."
The next time he did it, the judge just pointed at him. Lucky started across the well in his direction. The man sat down and said, "Judge, I'm in my chair and I'm very, very quiet."
The remark that cracked me up was later in the day. Lucky, grinning, said to me, "There I was, his worst nightmare ~ a Negro with a gun!"