HUGE argument with wife

Sprefix said:
Sorry to hear of the marital issues going on. I'd love to say something here to make you feel better, but I can only suggest going to the bible. A gun may have been the tool used that day for tragedy, but it could have saved their lives also. Remind her that you would lay your life down trying to protect her and your young one and that you would walk through fire for her love and approval............
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Well Said Chad..
 
DCXPlant, you have my sympathies. My SIL is a former preschool teacher and has become somewhat emotionally involved with this tragedy. Knowing the way her husband tends to over analyse and try to rationalise everything it cannot be pretty in that household right now.

Added:

I just remembered that I may be eating Xmas dinner with them. I hope she has cooled off by then, because I know she will not understand my attitude in stepping back from this subject on the news until the guessing had stopped and real information started to appear. Also my upbringing and experiences as a child mean that I do not react to these things in the way that many expect or consider normal. It will be interesting to see if in later life how many of the children who survived this outrage turn out similar to me.
 
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dcxplant: I hope that your wife comes around. It appears you stood your ground, which is what I would do.
Welcome to the wonderful world of "women change and men don't". That little freak in Connecticut killed 26 people and their 26 families. I'd like to see a follow up about 5 yrs. from now and see how many of the people that had kids murdered are still married. I've seen the damage done to a marriage by the loss of a child thru accident. I can't imagine the stress and pain involved when your child is murdered.
 
My wife has always been afraid of guns no matter what i've done to try to teach her about them. But she totaly agree's with me that more gun contol laws are not the answer!!!!We need more mental health programs out there .
 
Wait. You argued with someone on hormonal therapy? Not the best time to discuss a topic with someone who has baby on the mind after children have been killed. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotion she has been on prior to Friday. And I hope for the best for you and your attempts to conceive, but now is not a good time for discussions like this. She's emotionally invested in a baby and you are emotionally invested in firearms. A rational discussion isn't likely. Grab a pillow, head to the couch.
 
You too huh? Well Friday night my wife and I got into one after Obama's speech because I made the comment that towards the end of his "meaningful action" line I said that gun control was coming. Well she spoke up and said something needed to be done, and I said taking guns isn't it. Well we had a pretty good go round and I am not sure I won or not but to me it seems as though the media IS playing a lot of this towards women. They have a lot of women reporters, I noticed even Fox is doing more coverage with women than I have seen. I can't prove it but the fastest growing market for guns right now is women. It would not surprise me in the least if there are some in the media trying to target THAT audience. My wife isn't on hormonal therapy but remember women govern more with emotion than reason at times and this for some who are mothers is very emotional.
 
"not sure I won or not but"

Mr. LaPell..
you didn't...:D

learnrd a long time ago not to try to win, but to be sure she understands my point of view. has made for a happier house.
 
You were absolutely right about having to be the spousal punching bag once in a while. But in the end here there is no compromise in this case. Sometimes we are just actually right. I know it's rare, but they can be wrong sometimes. You can't say, "OK, Hon. I'll take 6% of the blame for the Ct. murders and sell my three Rugers and give the money to Sarah Brady. Will that work?"
I remember my wife having a rough day at work and seemed to blame me for it when she got home. I would walk on eggshells...for a while. Then after that I'd do and say anything I wanted because I was in the doghouse already for what other people did to make her mad. It was liberating, actually. But my wife hates cowering men.
Please keep us up to date on this. I'm curious to know the longevity of it in your case. It will be a microcosm of society in general and tell us if the collective insanity of people so quick to blame innocent people for this has any legs. Certain "powerful people" hope so. Then they'll be better at milking the next tragedy for more power over us.
 
Well, she slept with the babe last night, and finally came in around 1am with the boy and we all finished the night together....so far so good.

We shared a cup of joe this morning so the forgiving is underway for both of us.

I've seen a lot of great responses. Thank you all. I shared because I'm sure I'm not the only one that may have had a night like I did, and also because of what I've seen/read on this forum; there are a lot of thoughtful people on here, and I was wondering what y'all thought of it.

I'm normally a pretty level-headed man, and my wife is from South Bend Indiana, so you know she's normally level-headed! We both are emotionally invested and I should have listened to her when she said she didn't want to talk about it.

Luckily for me, she will bounce back and she will eventually let logic again rule the day knowing that more laws don't equate more safety.

A couple of responses to some posters;
-We don't watch TV except prerecorded shows/movies all commercial free. We dumped cable and use Netflix/Apple TV exclusively.

-I can't control what she hears during the day, on the radio, or at her work (which has a TV).

-Her office is predominantly anti-gun. There is one particular doctor she works with that is using this tragedy, parroting the media, as a tool to advance his beliefs, which is gun-control. She works in a surgical center and is a Nurse Anesthetist. She's had an earful from these people on the day "it" happened, this past Mon, and will for I'm sure quite some time. Evidently, her office spent time between cases glued to the TV.

-I will always stand my ground, but I will always love my wife and when I make a mistake I'll always own up to it. That's not giving in, that's managing a relationship!

There is no doubt I goofed last night. I tried to have a gun control discussion days after a mass shooting of children with a wife who cries every "time of the month" from disappointment and a sense of failure because we are desperately trying to have another baby.

I joke sometimes that "momma didn't raise no dummy" but last night I put that phrase into serious peril!!

I should have just hugged her close, not said anything, and let her get through her process. But, I was as emotionally raw about this as she was, and I let my pent up feelings about the anti-gunners get the best of me.

Thanks for letting me vent. It did help.
 
If women say they don't wanna talk - they wanna talk! Because they have to get it out, what is not necessarily a bad thing. Don't be a Ray Barone who doesn't wanna talk. I can talk with my wife about EVERYTHING and it's just amazing what you can accomplish. All you need is understanding for each other. Sounds easy and it is easy... after a little training... ;)

Besides that, she would never turn against firearms...

All the best for you and your wife.
 
I cannot help you very much with your wife. In my experience when women argue they frequently argue based on feelings, not facts. As a matter of fact, if you refute their arguments with sound logic, they get more frustrated.

If anything I can say will be of any help at all, listen to what she is telling you. You don't have to agree with her, just do not argue. Also don't offer suggestions to "help". Just listen. She probably needs someone to hear what she says. It may sound to you like she is verbally pounding on you. If you say anything, say things like "I hear what your saying". I don't see any harm in you telling her that the killings affected you. I am not ashamed to admit that I have cried out loud for these innocent children and their parents and probably will again.
 
You know, you just can't figger women out.
All the years of her complaining about my guns, last Thursday, after an incicdent I can't discuss, she was actually defending guns and people who like them.
:confused::confused::confused::eek:
Blessings
 
JJEH said:
If women say they don't wanna talk - they wanna talk! Because they have to get it out, what is not necessarily a bad thing. Don't be a Ray Barone who doesn't wanna talk. I can talk with my wife about EVERYTHING and it's just amazing what you can accomplish. All you need is understanding for each other. Sounds easy and it is easy... after a little training... ;)

Besides that, she would never turn against firearms...

All the best for you and your wife.
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"If women say they don't wanna talk-they wanna talk!"
Wow. I didn't know Dr. Phil was on this forum. You are absolutely correct. When you hear those words, "I don't want to talk about it!" You don't hear silence. You hear the ticking of a time bomb that is going to go off real soon. Sooner if you press the matter. Later with even more intensity if you wait. I like to get it over with. But in this case time is an ally. Hopefully.
 
My wife always says, "I don't like guns." Women are hard-wired differently than men and their maternal instincts are powerful. But she doesn't see more "gun control" as a solution to violence in America. We had a long talk about the motives of mass murderers and she feels that anyone who kills must be "mentally ill." This can be murky territory because a lawyer can always claim a defendant was "insane" at the time of a crime. It's too easy a copout, in my opinion. My argument is that premeditated murder requires some calculation and planning before the act and therefore is not spontaneous nor a "crime of passion." So I don't buy that every killer is "mentally ill," which is a convenient but misleading umbrella term that can be misused to cover a multitude of criminal behaviors.

I only own three handguns -- all revolvers -- and keep them in the house hidden from her view and always unloaded. My sole purpose for having them is target shooting and plinking. I don't hunt nor do I carry or feel the need for personal defense. We live in a very low threat area. I have no interest in acquiring a so-called "assault rifle" although I wouldn't mind owning a 10-22 but as far as I'm concerned ANY gun is dangerous if misused and the right to own firearms is among our constitutional freedoms.

Still, all the hackneyed defenses don't work in this case. After all, it was a gun that was the instrument of death in this case -- not cigarettes, cars, knives or whatever.

We both agreed,however, that the two biggest acts of terrorism in the U.S. -- 9/11 and the Oklahoma City bombing -- which tooks the lives of about 3,200 innocent people did not involve guns at all but a home-made bomb and box cutters, respectively.
 
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Luckily my girl friend is in school for psychology and sees the actual problem. The guy holding the gun had mental issues and wanted to be known. This christmas is going to suck being surrounded by her family that is without a doubt going to be talking about it....... and they are probably going to be on the gun taking away side.
 
Quote:
How do you argue when they say "if it could just save ONE child"?


The problem with purely emotional responses - is that people can react in ways which are harmful.

Just one example - - - many more people have died as a result of TSA airport screenings. The reason is that many people avoid flying because of the intrusive airport screenings and all the time & hassle. They drive instead . . . and more die on the highways as a result.

Peoples fear of an event with extremely low odds of occuring (hijack and plane crash) are blinding them to take actions with a higher risk to avoid the personal intrusions (driving a long distance in a car)

IMO the "No Gun Zone" laws have been a disaster. Another 'well meaning' emotional response that has cost lives instead of saving them. Israel doesnt have near the level of problems with airplane hijackings or school shootings. Their citizens are armed.

When there is media hype, there is even more of a push to act emotionally & in ways that are wrong. This also is used by those who seek to end the 2nd Amendment.

Rather than place blame on guns - - - we should be asking questions about the common factor with all shootings of recent years. In most cases the shooters were under psychiatric care and on psychiatric drugs which can increase the odds of suicide and violent behavior. That's what should be investigated and perhaps limited. These drugs are over prescribed. You won't hear that on the media - - - Big Pharma makes a lot of money from these drugs. They pay a lot in media ad space & time.
(Even some US combat troops are on these meds - in the past, they used to be released from the military. The suicide rates for the troops are unusually high now. )
 
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I would remind her and any other who feels that way that this is a mental illness problem and not a gun problem.
Didn't some nuts bent on mass murder take some buildings down, Oklahoma City, NYC, Washington, you get the idea.
Like we used to say in the computer business.
It's not a hardware problem it's a software problem.
 
To answer the argument "to save one child" I say, taking guns away will only make the criminally insane seek another weapon, a bat, a car an axe. Then the usual response is well, there will be less bodies and then I say, would you like you child in a classroom with a nut with a hatchet. That usually ends the discussion.
It's not the hardware it's the software.
 
If you've been married more than 3 days, you know sometimes the fastest way to lose the fight is to win an argument. And the fastest way to win an argument is to say nothing, let them think it through for a few days. The "yes, Dear- no Dear-of course Dear-right away Dear" is generally good for getting past the dangerous part of the argument. Facts never win over emotions.
 
keith44spl said:
I believe, that those that would step on the grave of a child to accelerate and expand their own selfish agenda(s)
are putting their own souls in jeopardy for all of eternity.

I pray that the elected leaders of our country will receive guidance from above and receive mercy for their transgressions.
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I can sure agree with that!

As for the wife stuff, sometimes you fail in spite of your best intentions. All I can say is, "Good luck." In our society as it is now, women call the shots and if she is not thinking clearly, it is very dangerous for the family.
 
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