I would pick the old battleaxe. (I did not know the OP had met my former mother in law)!
Smallpox would be best.
For 60000 years the aborigines of Australia only carried a spear with a throwing stick (Woomera) to increase the range, both were used for hunting and altercation...
One of Ruthie's biscuits.
Dead man walking!
Fresh fruit!!
What if someone attacked me with a pointy stick?
Oh shut up you &@"$
Come on and come at me with that banana!
Anyone know the reference?