Let hear em....Good quick jokes.....im first!!!!

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A really old man staggers into an ice cream parlor. He struggles to sit on the high chair, winces in pain, and orders a banana split.
The waitress looks at him and asks; "crushed nuts"?
He answers; "no, Arthritis".
 
I'm gonna remember all these jokes...yeah, right...when pigs fly.

Swine flu in 2009

Bob
 
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
'Boy..................go gitcha Momma........
 
Democracy at its finest

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied.

'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to knowledge and wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to San Francisco and get another one?'
 
An atheist is walking through the forest one autumn admiring nature. He thinks to himself how amazing it is that such beauty is the result of a randomness.

Suddenly a grizzly bear appears and starts to charge at him.

The man drops to his knees and screams "God help me, stop that bear!"

Suddenly everything stops. Falling leaves are frozen in mid air, birds in mid flight, and the grizzly is frozen in place 10 feet in front of him.

He then hears a voice coming from the sky.

"All your life you denied my existence, but now you ask me for help? Why should I help you now?"

The man sobbed and replied "You're right, Lord. I don't deserve your help. But what if instead of stopping the bear you just make him a Christian?"

"All right" replied the voice "the bear will now be a good, Christian bear."

All of a sudden the leaves started to fall again, and the birds continued to fly. The bear stopped charging towards the man. His fierce eyes grew soft, and he fell to his knees and put his front paws together. The bear then spoke and said:

"Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive......"
 
The Department of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told Obama that two brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq over night.To everyones surprise ,all the color drained out of Obamas face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Then he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed guy who walks into the men's room. Looks at the urinal on the left, flushes the one on the right and pees on the wall in between.
 
Do you know why the siamese twins went to England? So the other one could learn how to drive.
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Twisted nursery rhymes:

Mary had a little pig;
She kept it fat and plastered.
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
“What have you got there?”
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
“Pies, you dumb #$%!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ‘cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
 
A man walks into a bar carrying a slab of asphalt under one arm. He says to the bartender, give me two drinks, one for me and one for the road.
 
What do you get when an elephant mates with a rhinoceros?

Elephano!
 
And some more nursery rhymes:

Mary had a little lamb
The obstetrician fainted.

Mary had a little lamb
She fed it castor oil
and every time it jumped the fence
it fertilized the soil

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
How does your garden grow?
"With silver bells, and cockleshells"
"And one stupid dam petunia"

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
who sat down besider her
and said "Hey, babe, whatcha got in the bowl?"

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick
and burned his butt

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They both had a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down
with two and a half
They didn't go up for water

Dan R
 
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