More Clean Jokes

[ACORN]

I stole this off the Ruger Forum from Wyandot Jim

I found myself in a pub in Cork.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers.
I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros.
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

 

[bobf]

Doug Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away,
the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the *** had a paper route!"