Question on what to do

[BigBoy99]

I have no children but have 11 nieces and nephews. I have been very generous to them - birthdays gifts, graduation gifts, etc. I recently had some investments pay off and since I'm closer to 90 than 80, I decided to make an equal gift to each one of them. Since all are just starting to raise families, I figured they need the money now, not when I pass away in the future so that is why I gifted each one of them a sizeable amount (5 figures).

My question is this: When the different gifts were given over the years, I have received acknowledgement from each of the 10 nieces and nephews for every gift. I have yet to receive ANY acknowledgement from one of my nieces for ANY of the gifts she has received. Since she has shown no appreciation for gifts in the past, should I assume that she has no interest in a portion of my estate when I pass? Maybe recognize her in my will with a $100 gift with a note saying she never appreciated the gifts before. The other 10 nieces and nephews will get very large amounts.

Coments/ideas?

 

[Rustyt1953]

My giving is unconditional. I expect nothing in return so a "thank you" is just an added bonus.

If you opt to leave out your one niece then do it without a stinging admonishment. She will understand your motive.

 

[IAM Rand]

That is a tough one. I recall back to my really young days and remember hating the birthday, Christmas, whatever gift thank you cards. I was not very good at writing and my mother would sit me down and make me do it. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate it, it was just that I didn't like doing it because I wasn't good at it.

It would depend on your relationship with this niece. Have you talked to the parents. They may be able to shed some light.

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

It was drummed into my head that showing appreciation, saying "Thank You" cost nothing but gave big returns on investment. If people can't show appreciation then they are not entitled to it in return. And some people have too great a sense of entitlement.
One friend, tried to play the doting uncle to his niece, said she was never that affectionate, when she went through puberty became worse. He gave her a very nice high school graduation present, her parents had to force her to write a thank you note, dictated it to her. He said they bumped into each other a few months later, their eyes met, she turned away quickly, that ended that relationship.
One of my Iron Rules of Life-if people don't value my friendship, theirs is worth even less to me.

 

[s&wchad]

It sounds like you haven't talked to that niece in a while. Why not pay her a visit and give her the money in person. It might be enlightening and help you decide if she'll receive more in the future.

 

[Maddog 521]

Young people are way different today compared to when we grew up. Sometimes we think a simple "thank you" is in order, but to them it just doesn't matter. IMHO give her the gift or not and don't fret over it.

 

[Bajadoc]

I wouldn't give anything to someone who doesn't bother to say thank you. I can see the other point of view. It's a bit of a conundrum.

 

[URIT]

I feel you need to talk with her, share your thoughts and feelings, and discover why she alone among your nieces and nephews has failed to express her appreciation over the years. The response could be enlightening.

 

[Nevada Ed]

Some of us have family members living out of town or state, that we call
and send birthday cards and gifts to

and seldom get a reply or a thank you from them, to let us know how they feel about us.

I think one youngster was and is still upset about a divorce but we will never know?

Just do what will you can live with and feel no guilt.

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

There's the old story of the wealthy individual who had relatives who constantly tried to sponge and freeload off him, in his will he announced that he gave generous gifts in their names to various causes.

 

[GypsmJim]

My first thought was cut her off. But then I had to consider what is your relationship with her? Do you see her regularly? Do you at least communicate in other ways? Have you not seen her in 10 years? Lots to consider.

 

[Rustyt1953]

Or you could take the Gran Torino route.

 

[llowry61]

This is a tough one because you don't know what you don't know. Seeing the amount of thought you are putting in I feel confident the appropriate path forward will reveal itself.

L

 

[Skeet 028]

Many young'uns don't have a sense of family these days. May be a hard lesson for the one...give to the rest...none to the one and let the others know why the one got nothing...Might wake that one up. A well deserved thank you is the least you should receive...esp over the years

 

[walkin jack]

My giving is unconditional. I expect nothing in return so a "thank you" is just an added bonus.

If you opt to leave out your one niece then do it without a stinging admonishment. She will understand your motive.

Rusty, you beat me to it. Word for word, that would have been my response in this thread.

 

[Ματθιας]

It's like trying to reach out to someone. If I keep calling, leaving messages, emails , texts, and no response, I stop. If they can't be bothered, I won't be bothered.

If she has a history of not bothering to say thank you and/or appreciating you for gifts, I wouldn't bother giving her another one. It's your money and you're not obligated to give it to anyone.

And I would let her know why you did what you did. But that's just me.

 

[Beemerguy53]

My parents were of different faiths when they married, and that was always a very big issue for my father's family. When he converted to my mother's faith, after 17 years of marriage, his favorite aunt, who had been like a second mother to him, literally disowned him...she changed her will and wrote him out of it. He learned about it after her funeral several years later, and I will never forget how heartbroken he was...not because of the money, but because it was a slap in the face from someone he loved, that could never be undone.

It's terrible not to have one's generosity appreciated, but on the other hand, do we give people gifts because we love them and want to do something nice for them, or because we're testing them to see if they'll be appropriately thankful?

BigBoy, you're not a mean fellow...otherwise you wouldn't be planning to give this money away in the first place...and I think you'd regret snubbing your niece. Just my opinion...

 

[pharman]

This is a BIG deal to me...

If I were you I would NOT gift her anything since she did NOT acknowledge your previous gifts...my Mother raised me with manners...if someone gives you a gift you send them a "thank you" note...one of my pet peeves is when I give a gift for graduation or wedding and do not receive a "thank you" note after 4 or 5 weeks, I phone the person that received the gift and I ask them: "Did you receive a nice gift from me and my wife?" If they answer "yes" I ASK them why they have not sent us a "thank you" note as this is only manners...usually a note is sent very shortly after that...Roger

 

[pharman]

EXCELLENT advice!

It's like trying to reach out to someone. If I keep calling, leaving messages, emails , texts, and no response, I stop. If they can't be bothered, I won't be bothered.

If she has a history of not bothering to say thank you and/or appreciating you for gifts, I wouldn't bother giving her another one. It's your money and you're not obligated to give it to anyone.

And I would let her know why you did what you did. But that's just me.

This IS EXCELLENT advice...totally AGREE! Roger

 

[Denverd0n]

I would say, take a hard look in the mirror. What are your motives? By not giving her anything are you hoping to "teach her a lesson," or maybe get even with her? If those were my motives, I would want to think on that for a while.


In the end, you have to do what you think is the right thing. Good luck.