Very tough decisions to make with our son

[David LaPell]

This year has been a very tough one with our son who is in first grade. He's been going to the same Christian school since he was in Pre-K, and up until this year it had been going very well, but this year things went downhill with the school in more ways than one, and we have decided he can't go there anymore.

The first thing was when his teacher told us he had ADHD, her reasoning, he son has it and she saw it in our son, and that our son needed medication. He had a 94 average, all A's in every class, but then his teacher told us he was just getting by. Not sure what doing well means to her, but if a 94 average is just getting by, things have changed from the 60's and 70s I got in school because my parents didn't care what I got as long as I didn't fail.

In the end we took him to see a child psychologist who was not happy with her diagnosis, he said he without a doubt doesn't have ADHD and said the teacher should stay out of the medical business and teach her class. His teacher still thinks he has ADHD despite the diagnosis.

Then one day we get him from school, I take him out and then get a look at his face, two black eyes and his nose is bruised up, how he didn't break his nose is beyond me. No note, no phonecall, nothing. Turns out, he fell in recess, same teacher. When confronted, she said she knew he fell, but thought he landed on his butt. To me, when a kid smashes his face like that, why would he be holding his butt?

Then the school seems to have an issue with putting down salt and sand so no one falls. Sand here is free, so I put it out every morning when I can. Salt the school is supposed to provide, can't seem to manage it. I have seen five kids fall this year, one I know was hurt. I saw one girl go down before I could get sand out. When I started sanding the doorman, who saw the girl fall, tells me not to sand, they don't want to have to vacuum it up. I did it anyway. I have had many conversations with the principal and vice principal, I keep hearing that there is a guy who does it. Never seen him. As I explained, I don't mind doing it, but the parents shouldn't be responsible for keeping the kids safe. Just had the conversation again with the Vice Principal last week, when I told him about it, he points out to me where the salt is. The entire supply for the school was maybe about 5 pounds of salt, and like I told him again, not the parents job to make it safe for the kids.

There was an incident this year where a parent whose kid was being tossed out of 1st grade, same grade as my son, threatened to hurt the teachers and everyone else. The cops were called and the woman had to be taken out of there. No note home, found out from one of the other teachers. None of the parents were made aware by the school officially. I asked where the security guard was for the school. He leaves everyday now 20 minutes after the school opens because they can't afford to have him there for the day. Not acceptable.

Over the past month or so, started having disciplinary issues with our son, he's no angel, but worse than normal. So we talked to his teacher, same one as before. She tells us that's he's been having issues, but she had never told us. Not a word. The teacher looks at me and says "I like to keep what happens in school, but since you want to know now I will tell you." So we don't know how long this has been going on for.

There have been other issues, our son lost a tooth a few months back and mentioned the tooth fairy in school, you know, he's 7, that's still a thing at their age. He was told that's not acceptable and not to mention it again.

We had brought some issues to both the principal and vice principal, but they are both resigning so they aren't even there most days. To be honest, most days we don't even know who to ask questions about anymore.

Today in church, the pastor where the school is mentioned that they were $75,000 in the hole, teachers were leaving, tuition was going up, which we knew, and that in order to stay viable they were going to have to stop having grades 9-12 and charge for pre-K and Kindergarten, something never done. It's obvious the school is not doing well.

So we decided that with everything, that our son isn't going next year. He would have the same teacher, and I think some of the same issues. We have been checking out the local public school more and more. He likes it there from what he's seen. Gym class is every day of the week, his school now the gym class was twice a week but that changed because some days there is no gym teacher at all. The art teacher at his school is leaving so my wife is going to help and volunteer, something she's done before, or else there's no art class.

All in all it wasn't a fun or easy decision to make, but our son isn't getting the education we think he needs and we don't feel he's safe there anymore. It's obvious the school is in deep trouble and we can't afford the cost anyway. What really irks me though is the backlash we're getting.

The other day my wife told a woman who she's been friends with for four years from the church and the school. Her oldest will have to find something for next year because he's in high school and there isn't a high school there now for the kid. When my wife told her our son wasn't going next year, this woman turned on my wife like an angry badger, glad I wasn't there because the conversation would have been very different.

This woman, who is supposedly a friend of my wife, told her that we need to "sacrifice" more to send our son there and that when he goes to public school he's going to end up a delinquent, swearing, and basically end up in jail later on. Like I told my wife, it's nice this woman thinks so highly of our parenting skills.

I think when more of the school teachers or members of the church find out, they're will be more of this, but heaven help the first one that says anything to my son or treats him badly because of it. I won't stand for any of it, and even though it's hard, I can see we made the right choice for our son.

 

[Absalom]

That is a tough situation.

I'm going to carefully sidestep the ADHD issue without knowing your kid; that is a minefield . But quite apart from your son's specific issues, as a former educator I see tons of red flags just reading your description of the personnel, administrative, and money issues of that school. It may espouse the right values you share, but if the survival of the school rather than the well-being and best education for the kids becomes the main focus, it's the time for Plan B.

And I would have serious issues with that teacher's professionalism. In many ways she seems to be just winging it. And the situation with your kid's injuries? With a public school, you might be here complaining about a hysterical overreaction, which however, all things considered, is preferable to just ignoring it.

So I think you're moving toward the right decision. Your obligation is toward your son's education and safety, not keeping that school afloat or making the people at church happy.

 

[gman51]

The present school sounds like it isn't a good option to stay with. If my kid had two black eyes I sure would want to know what happened.
My little girl came home with red knuckles and she said the teacher hit her across the knuckles with a wood ruler. I can understand the kid was probably acting up but sorry I don't go with whacking her hand with a ruler. I was at the school the next day. I didn't get past the receptionist desk because I had no appointment. I let the receptionist know the story and for her to inform the principal that if it happened again I would be back with an appointment. I found out there had been several incidents concerning this teacher.
It seems so many kids these days are labeled with ADHD. I wonder how we got through school without having drugs pushed on us. Things sure have changed.
BTW Yes I did tell my little girl to quit acting up in class.

 

[Bat Guano]

Yup. 7 YO "active" grandson here. He was in a "Christian" school for the first few months of 1st grade. All was well until it wasn't. The organizer of the school left, as did an administrator who was brought in to do a better job. The boy was (very reluctantly) put into the local public school, which is very anti-family.

To me the obvious solution is to home school the boy; but his parents are reluctant to try even thought I am willing to bankroll it and help out. Got to have those two incomes, you know.

What a contrast to my first few years of parochial school. Those sweet nuns gave me a wonderful start ( and NO rulers!) God bless them.

Nowdays kids just seem to be society's road kill. Heartbreaking.

 

[Wise_A]

Ditto, I was in the post-ruler/pre-Bravo Sierra era of parochial education. The lay teachers were...well, looking back on it, a few of them gals made a funny habit of wearing the same clothes two days in a row (*wink*) but I never noticed much odd. The youngest of them were real ditzes. And barely a looker among them!

High school wasn't bad--all-boys school. A few priests, no nuns, mostly lay teachers. The coaches that got hired to teach were the worst. You know I spent the better part of my young adult life thinking I was bad at math? I figured out I wasn't when I started doing gun work--amateur 'smithing and reloading and such. Plenty of complicated practical math, zero problem doing it.

I got lucky once and was slotted into a poetry class. The poetry teacher was 22, and this was senior year, so I was 18. It was the best class I ever hated. I don't remember much about poetry, I do remember a bit about her blouses, and how she was dating another young lady in the English department.

Also, come to think of it, it was drama. See what I mean? The non-co-ed atmosphere, I think, kept us focused...but when it failed, it did so in spectacular fashion.

For college, I went to a school with a big education program. And let me tell you--those kids are slow in the head. You could pick them out in any non-education class. None of them could write worth a damn, and most of the girls were pretty well hung over Thursday mornings (the local-big-skanky-party-bar-that-doesn't-card ran a special Wednesday nights). I was always sort of amazed that you could become a History/English/whatever teacher, and take less than a handful of History/English/whatever classes.

Which begs the question--what's in "Education", then? Well, apparently, pop diagnoses of vague childhood learning disabilities.

 

[Onomea]

David, here is what I think: I recall your earlier post/thread about your son, and it seems to me, that, based on the info in that post, your son does not have ADHD.

What you describe about the school, the principal and assistant principal leaving, financial troubles, are all warning signs — dead giveways? — that it is best to pull your son out.

That you get no feedback on what happens to your son at school, or how he behaves, means, to me, that it is an incompetent (AKA bad) school.

It is clear to me that you are a good father with your son's best interests at heart.

I am guessing that you are a religious person who worries about bad influences and such, but, I assure you, a loving family, good parenting, mom and dad striving together to do their best for the little ones — as is our duty and our most fervent desire as parents — will overcome any outside negative influences.

You are on the right track, David.

God bless.

 

[Salty RI]

We had that same problem with our grandson he was going to a private school, straight A student, they told my son that he had ADHD and they didn't want him coming back n ext year, my son had him tested , they said he had nothing wrong with him, his only problem was he was board with school, my son put him in a public school that had a advanced study program, he loves it and is doing great, these private schools don't want to deal with any problems, getting rid of the student is the easiest way of dealing with it.

 

[Muss Muggins]

Say what you will about the public school system, but they have an entire bank of teachers and other resources dedicated to kids with special needs. Private schools at best contract with public schools to provide at least some of those services, and at worst, do nothing . . .

 

[kpap]

We have two daughters one is a freshman in high school and the other is in 3rd grade. We checked out a private school and was amazed how poorly it was managed and how dirty it felt and looked. We then went to the public school and where amazed how clean it was, and ran like a precise clock. We get weekly updates, and my youngest has had a mentor every year one on one for 2 hours every Thursday. Our school district emphasizes parent enrollment with our child's education, we couldn't be happier with our public schools. Our oldest is on path to graduate high school and have two years of college credits. I believe living in a smaller conservative town makes a huge difference in public schooling. Yes it costs more to live we live, but the benefits pay for it by far........

 

[armorer951]

Have you thought about home schooling? A viable option if you as parents can devote the time to supervise, instruct, etc. Perhaps there is someone in your church who is currectly home schooling you could talk to about it.
There are many options, including classroom video streaming from Abeka and Enlightium, and others.

 

[bill2000]

I think Onomea has it exactly right. I'm no fan of the public school system but vigilant, caring, parents have an easy time countering negative influences.

Your post here and the older one show me that you'll have no trouble with a transition to public school. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Dennis The B]

Private schooling, religious or secular based, has its minefields. What matters is the educational model used. We know that the "sit down, keep your mouth shut, and listen to the teacher" model does not work. It's a relic of the Prussian/Dewey model, created to turn out conscript soldiers and assembly line workers. Putting children in "grades", and insuring they move from elementary to middle, to secondary education on date certain; and it's a sure way to insure failure.

Education arises from peer interaction. It's a bottom-up, evolutionary process. The teacher should be in a moderator role, keeping peace, and inspiring the students to teach each other.

When I was 65, I was diagnosed with ADD. When I asked the psychiatrist how I survived, she told me that like most other children, I adapted to my environment.

Children are amazingly adaptable, and those who are ADD or ADHD are probably as normal as normal can be.

Find a school (Montessori is a good place to start), and ask a lot of questions. Find out the education model. Do they nurture children, and do they work with children until they master what ever subject is at hand?

When I was in elementary school, our school had "fast" and "slow" learners mixed in certain classes. It allowed for slower learning students to move at a pace more attuned to their learning speed. They almost got it right.

My oldest son, born in 1972, wasn't diagnosed with autism until he was 17. Before that, autism was "Rainman", and a spectrum wasn't even suspected. His is mild, and we went through nightmares for years because even the Individual Education Plans (IEP) for "special ed" students, wasn't geared toward autism.

PS - Home schooling isn't a panacea either, because it runs counter sometimes, to the necessary socializing a child needs to merge into society, and it ignores the ideal education of peer-to-peer learning.

The Greeks, and their open air learning had it right, along with the Socratic method.

 

[gregintenn]

While I'm not a big fan of public school, my kids go to one. They haven't learned squat via the curriculum, but have learned how to manage in social situations. This is a valuable life skill not picked up from home schooling, and sometimes no too well in private school settings.

I try to teach my children what I believe is important for them to know.

I remember you posting about this school last year. You've handled it better than I would have. I'm glad to hear you didn't take their advice and drug your son.

 

[olcop]

Sue them, individually and as a school----the fact they are in financial trouble telegraphs that they are very poorly managed---if this happens to be your church too, find another church, (God help those who help themselves)
You could consider home schooling, if you and your wife both work, then perhaps an uncle or aunt or grandparent will step up to the task---but any child that has a 94 GPA isn't the problem to be addressed.
olcop

 

[Salty RI]

My son wouldn't want me home schooling my grandson, I would have him out fishing every day.

 

[Marine Corps Air]

These are just my thoughts and opinions. Others will disagree, but I've been teaching since 1967, and as the commercial goes, "I know a thing or two because I've done a thing or two".

1. First grade is the first year of regimentation in the education process. It's not pre-k or k, it's the real deal. It's time for young students to get serious now about education. It becomes a lot tougher later. I was in the Ph. D program. I know. That is not a negative comment about your son, but the going is beginning to become a lot tougher.

2. The two most under-paid professions in our Nation are educators and law enforcement officers! If you look at all of the problems in our Nation, most if not all could be solved or improved with a far greater focus and priority on compensating and unparalleled public support for these two professions!

3. I can't speak for LEOs, but my colleagues have been warning me for the past several years that highly-motivated, dedicated educators (the ones that we had years ago) are leaving the profession en masse for better working conditions, salaries, benefits, work-life balance, etc.

4. Student behavior (or should I say mis-behavior) is so prevalent and so extensive in the classrooms that those educators who remain are relegated to just doing their best to maintain law-and-order in the classroom. Minimal education and learning. No time to really academically challenge and support both the best students and those students who are having a tough time learning.

5. I have seen the educators opinion far too many times now: If a student has a behavioral problem, then it has to be ADHD. Bovine excrement! As per the above, almost no educator has the knowledge and skills to make this determination.

6. Investigate the possibility that your son may be "gifted and talented". A student who is G-T will appear to misbehave because he/she is not being academically challenged and they are frustrated, angry, disappointed, etc.

7. I believe that a change of schools may provide you with the solutions that you and your son need. Go to several schools and meet with the administrators first. Explain your son's learning challenges to them. They may just have a first grade teacher who excels at motivating and encouraging students just like your son. He could then be easily assigned to that teacher's class.

8. Look for a school with pro-active parents. Pro active in this sense means both involvement and support of the teachers and educational process. We intentionally moved in to the Eanes ISD in Austin TX and our son received an excellent education throughout the K-12 stages of his education.

 

[V1 Rotate]

I'm going to sound off on this one, since I am a parent too. It has been my brutal experience that very often incompetent and worse administrators and teachers hide behind the description of " Christian School". If the first thing your educator tells you about their school is that they are "Christian", then leave; the first thing they need to tell you is that they are a GOOD school, and why. That's coming from someone who attends church every week, often twice or more, is active in it, and tries to exemplify my religion. It's like in a business deal; if the other person starts out telling you how good of a "Christian" they are, check and make sure you still have your wallet. You want to show you are a moral person, LIVE it, don't just talk it.
Bill S

 

[Marshwheeling]

You might as well give public school a try. You are paying for it anyway.

 

[Bekeart]

The original post has many red flags.

The indifference to student safety, medical diagnosis by incompetent, failure to report injury from a fall, etc.

If it were my problem:
1) Change schools.
2) Report situation as child neglect or possible abuse.

The financial problems and staff leaving seem to indicate poor management skills.

Good luck with your choice.

Bekeart

 

[johngalt]

I don't know anything about your area, but don't dismiss public schools primarily because of the word 'public'. In this day and age, it is popular to bash anything and everything that is government run as incompetent.

I went to public school (admittedly many years ago), it was staffed by administrators and teachers who for the most part wanted to provide a good education. They were not mindless bureaucratic drones simply looking out for themselves.