PUTDOWNS!

crazyphil

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When someone is pontificating about something, usually about
how great they are, they need a putdown. Here are some of
my favorites.

A recent president brought a general into the oval office and
fired him. As the general got up to leave, the president said
you will probably pxxx on my grave. The general replied,
No sir, I vowed that when I got out of the army I would never
stand in another line.

I was reading an article one day that said the Air Force selected
recruits for their super secret security service from the top half
of one percent. I was so proud I couldn't wait to tell my wife,
because I was one of those recruits. When I told her, she said
that doesn't say much for the other 99 and a half percent.

I was telling an old friend about one time when I was going up
a draw stalking a deer. A couple of notheads jumped out of
their car and started shooting. I could hear the bullets singing
over my head. I asked my old friend if he had ever heard bullets
flying over his head. He said yep, on the beach at Anzio.

Way back when I was a young man I remember a lady asking
me where I was when the brains were passed out. I said I was
over getting the looks. She said it must be Hell to get beat out
of both.

Sgt. Friday and his pardner were standing on a front porch
conversing with a lady, when a group of fighter planes flew
over. The lady covered her ears and said have you ever heard
such a racket. Sgt. in his deadpan manner said yes mam at
Pearl Harbor.

Do you have a favorite putdown?
 
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I've always liked a put-down by a guy I read about somewhere.

He was out west some place, a rural area, as I recall, where open carry is fairly common. He's in a supermarket, shopping, minding his own business when a busybody notices he's carrying and decides to confront him.

Pointing at his gun, she says, "What are you so afraid of that you need to have that?!"

He deadpans, "Not much, lady. I got a gun."

(Not an open carry guy myself, but I like the story, true or not!)
 
For 7 years I pushed big construction jobs for the "Mouse House." Every now and again the Union hall would send me one that was absolutely worthless. More than once I'd tell him, face to face: "You know, having your help on this job is good as firing my 2 best men." Most times they didn't get it. Joe
 
City guy in country...

A city guy in a sports car gets lost in the country...he sees a farmer standing in his field and stops to ask questions...he says to the farmer where does this road go to? Farmer says "I don't know." City slicker asks farmer where does that other road take me? Farmer says "I don't know." City slicker asks where is the nearest town? Farmer says "I don't know." City slicker says to the farmer "boy you sure are stupid" to which farmer replies "I may be stupid BUT I"M NOT LOST."
 
Sarah Bernhardt, late in life and having lost a leg, but still the greatest actress in the world, had an ambitious understudy who was itching to step in for Miss Bernhardt at the first opportunity. The great actress despised the understudy.
On one occasion as the two approached a door, the understudy stepped forward and opened the door, saying, “Age before beauty.”
As she swept through the door, Miss Bernhardt replied, “Pearls before swine.”
From ancient days to now, I find women have a 9 to 1 advantage in coming up with the right words at the right time.
 
One of my absolute favorite put-downs is in the scene in a bar in the film Good Will Hunting where Will tells the big-mouth Harvard guy that he dropped 150 grand on an education he could have gotten for $1.50 in late charges at the public library.

And some classics:
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd poison your tea."
Mr. Churchill: "Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

George Bernard Shaw, to Winston Churchill:"I'm enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend....if you have one."

Mr. Churchill's reply: "Cannot attend the first night, will attend the second.....if there is one."
 
A few years ago I overheard three seventeen year old boys declare that this is the way it is and how it works about something or another. They weren't quite right and I stepped over to them and explained how it actually was. One of them exclaimed with a tone of some astonishment "How did you know that?"
I told them at age 70+, I knew the answers to questions they didn't even know to ask yet.
 
Not an intentional putdown, but sort of a realty shock. I was on a blind date with a young lady many years ago, and I was telling her about a concert that I had attended in a certain year. She apparently had no idea what I was talking about and said, "I was only two years old."

She may have been the sweet young lady I worked with who with a little smirk said I reminded her of her Dad.
 
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