Stupid stuff people say to LE

[Autonomous]

A little off topic but it's story time so here we go.
Setting; somewhere up in British Columbia, a railroad road switcher on some end of the line dead end track. This is a couple generations ago when almost all rails (workers) were heavy, serious drinkers.
The crew goes from a main line depot up to a small town and switches out the customers. They'd spend the night at lodging and come back the next day. No other trains come up, so they own the track.
As the crew stumble out of a bar at closing time a polite Canadien Mounty is reminding the patrons to find someone sober to drive them home.
The crew thanked the Mounty and stumbled directly across the street to their waiting locomotive and roared off.
Understand that older two stroke locomotives would carbon up quickly when idling. Going from an extended idle to full throttle guaranteed a big shower of sparks from the stack.
Heros.

 

[biku324]

"I don't know whose those briefcases belong to. " - Money mule with $1.1 million in $100 bills, all in bundles of 50 bound fore and aft with #3 rubber bands inside the identical 10 briefcases resting in two stacks of 5 cases in his backseat.

 

[S42N8]

Next in the sequence: A Good Start

 

[NFrameFred]

PD buddy of mine in a small town was dressed down by an entitled woman during a traffic stop who told him, "Why don't you get a real job on a real PD doing real police work instead of harassing people for nothing in this hick town ?"


To which he replied, "Well ma'am, here's your REAL ticket. Have a nice night."

 

[Eric300]

This was always my favorite that pretty much meant 'guilty';

COP:
"Is there anything in the vehicle that you shouldn't have?"

DRIVER:
"Not as far as I know"

"

 

[jimmyj]

"You can write that citation, but I will NOT sign it !"
60-08 to Control, 10-15 X1 and request rotation wrecker.

 

[moosedog]

I used to love it when someone would say "I'll see you in court!"
To which I would replay "I hope so. We get overtime for that".

 

[Marshwheeling]

Got any more recent ones?

Not recent, but still a classic. On tape in DUI processing area, one brain trust stated he would not attempt the physical DUI testing process. When I asked him why. his response was, "I'm to ******* Drunk."
Unlike most DUI charges that one never made it to court. Can't figure out why not

That one recalls the Slappy White classic:

Walk that white line.

You walk it, I'm drunk.

 

[Rob613]

Years ago now, but I was with my brother and he got pulled over for speeding. He told the trooper he was just going with the flow of traffic.

Trooper: Have you ever been fishing?
Brother: Of course
Trooper: Have you ever caught alllll the fish?

I laughed and joked about it for years.

 

[LVSteve]

This was always my favorite that pretty much meant 'guilty';

COP:
"Is there anything in the vehicle that you shouldn't have?"

DRIVER:
"Not as far as I know"

"

If there is a friend of a friend in the car that the driver doesn't really know, it's a legitimate response IMHO.

 

[wood714]

I've not got a speeding ticket in probably 30 years. If I get pulled over I'll try telling the officer I thought that 70 MPH was just a suggestion.

No way this is real, but it's too funny.



[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6VQDNIZH7U[/ame]

 

[WR Moore]

The traffic stop one above reminded me of classic that got written up in a Pittsburgh paper deep in the last century. State trooper in a marked cruiser pulls up to a 4 way stop intersection and watches a guy in a tricked out pickup blow his stop sign. Trooper pulls him over and writes the violation.

PU driver: why aren't you out chasing real criminals?

Trooper looks the truck over and asks for the keys, returns to his ride for the inspection code and a tape measure. Writes citations for excessively jacked up, tires outside the body work, modified exhaust, lighting violations etc. Violations totaled around $5K.

PU driver says: but I just passed state inspection. Had the paper to prove it.

Trooper pulled the plates and had the truck towed (unsafe to drive on the highways), went to the inspection station, checked the records and pulled their inspection license. Also made sure the inspector knew who ratted him out.

 

[Doug M.]

Normal decent people will have a hard time believing the levels of stupid stuff we see in the system. They have a really difficult time with the truly vile stuff we see. As a small town cop, I used to have the snowflakes tell me "that doesn't/won't happen here". You have enough people and you will see some really awful stuff. It just takes longer in small towns.

 

[Paul in Nevada]

"Why, no, officer, I have no idea why you pulled me over" - every driver on southbound I-75 past the I-275 exit.

Let me guess... You let them go with a warning every single time if they answered your quiz game correctly?

 

[LoboGunLeather]

By God, I'll have you walking a beat by next week!

Thank you, sir. I really liked walking a beat before they put me on this assignment writing speeding tickets in a school zone.
-------------------------------

A dozen unsolved homicides in this town and you're out here writing speeding tickets! I'll have to talk to the mayor about this!

Great! I'd love to work homicide instead of traffic enforcement, but this is what the chief told me to do so this is what I'm doing right now.
-----------------------------------

Do you know who I am?

I will when you produce your driver's license and registration.
---------------------------------------------

My lawyer will eat your *** alive.

Your lawyer will get what was left over after my wife's lawyer got his share in the divorce.

 

[wood714]

Thank you, sir. I really liked walking a beat before they put me on this assignment writing speeding tickets in a school zone.

School zones and school busses are something I've never took for granted as far as the law.

There are 2 schools next to each other and it's a 1.7 mile 20 MPH zone when the lights are flashing. Couldn't count the times I'd be idling along at 20 and get passed by people doing 50. Lots do get caught thou.

 

[Piwo]

This one was actually quite common in my area...After a high speed car chase and wreck/bail out followed by a foot pursuit through bushes and over fences the suspect is caught. We drag suspect back to the car with him twisting, turning (in cuffs) resisting the whole way. After the suspect is secured in the rear of the zone car and after taking a few minutes to catch my breath I ask, "What is your name?" No response. I turn around and look at him and ask again, "What is your name? Suspect looks surprised and responds, Huh? Who, me?"
My response, "Is there anyone else in the car besides us?"

 

[DUSTYDOGDAN]

My Dad was told -- I have to drive because I am to drunk to walk. He also had someone run a red light and they insisted that the light was blue over and over they started screaming THE LIGHT WAS BLUE NOT RED!!!

 

[Muss Muggins]

"That ain't mine . . . "

And my favorite:

"I pay your salary . . . "

"Yeah, I pay taxes too, and at the moment, I'm on my dime . . . "

 

[lkabug]

Late one night, I pulled over a "lady" for running a red light. She saw that I was beside her.
When asked why she drove through the light while I was beside her,
She said "because I'm a girl, wanna see"? And began to undress. She smelled of cheap scotch.
A heck of a lot of paperwork just for a red light violation.