Divorce (Man Is It Tough)

[arjay]

Hang in there [emoji1] It will end and cutting her out of your life sounds like a good plan.She does not sound like a stable person.
My mistake was to have children with mine and then decide it was my job to keep her from running off of the rails, which she did anyway [emoji57]

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

These will be some of the most expensive lessons you pay for, learn them. I'd feel sorry for you except I am still married and on any given day - jealous of you. If you have not learned your lesson on marriage, at least get an enforceable pre-nuptial agreement next time. Salvage what you can and do not put it at risk again. Always act civil, forget your temper and do what it takes to not get too badly abused in court. Vent with your buddies where it will go no further. One or two beers is ok. Marriage was made up we most of us died by 45. It is a little harder. now.

 

[Kiwi cop]

My first marriage was a mistake, one I knew before the ceremony. Now I can admit I got married because, through a lack of confidence, I thought no-one else would have me. Ten years later we were heading in seperate directions.

The breakup was not great. Initially I thought we could get through amicably, but in the end lawyers got involved and it got messy. I couldn't afford full settlement so negotiated the majority of the payout with a 2 year contract for the last $10K. Then her lawyer saw I had kept a few thousand for a good holiday and refused to sign off unless I paid all her legal fees. The holiday took a dive.

While this was going on I stressed out big time. Took some time off work and went and filled in my time with a mate who was a subdivision contractor. 10 hour days digging ditches, laying water mains and driving machinery got rid of the stress, but I was living in a small town 15 minutes out in the country. It was lonely so I ended up having two short term/long distance relationships. Both were a mistake.

Eventually I got a transfer to a smaller town. I travelled 800 km (500 miles) with only 3 dogs for company. A few months later I met a great woman in this new town. I resisted getting too involved again for about a month then succumbed. That was 20 years ago in November and I have had a pretty good life since then. Although we have had our ups and downs, including financial pressure, we each complimented the other.

But as deben002 says above, death is worse. Twice in the last 2 years I have sat by my wifes hospital bed while she fought for her life with a respiratory illness. The first time the ICU doctors gave her a 50/50 chance and she pulled through. A few weeks ago, after a double lung transplant, the doctors told me that due to pneumonia, liver and kidney failure my wife was unlikely to survive and I needed to prepare myself for turning off life support. For the second time I found myself mentally making preparations for a funeral and wondering how I was going to spend the rest of my life. I can count on one hand the number of decent night sleep I have had in the past 6 weeks. All the rest have been crying into my pillow until I slept from exhaustion or tossing and turning until he small hours when I would get up and sit at the table trying to see a future ahead of us. Fortunately my wife is a fighter and the doctors never actually gave up and she pulled through. She is still in the ICU and will take some time to recover but I just know things will get better and she will walk out of that hospital soon.

Just hang on in there. The truth will soon show to everyone and things will get much better.

 

[PaulNYC]

I found material arts with plenty of sparring to be good for mental health. Think hard before sending any correspondence.

Louis CK Divorce it's a Freedom A call from the White House - YouTube

-Paul

 

[petepeterson]

She continues to send me texts asking to reconcile and pictures of our pets.

It is funny how six weeks ago I was worthless, a son of a gun, didn't do anything......she didn't care about the house........now she wants "all this to just end" and wants me "to come home".

This is called "hoovering", conveniently named after the sweeper. Don't fall for it. It's a good indication of an unstable person. As hard as it is to see now, things will be much better for you in the very near future, Hang in there.

 

[gman51]

Gee did her new boyfriend dump her? Sounds like maybe the boyfriend saw the writing on the wall and didn't want to be the next succatash.
I feel once gone stay gone.

 

[walkin jack]

I'll spare you the ugly details of my divorce in '72. But it's the best divorce any one could possibly hope for. I'll just say she had mental issues and that one day I just pointed to the front door and pointed. (AN over simplification but not by much.

When I went before the judge with my lawyer the judge came up out of his chair, "You mean that your wife did not even come to court to look after her child's interest!?!?!?!?" (He was furious) He banged his gavel down so hard and so many times I though he's break it.

Then he granted me sole custody and denied her ANY visitation rights under ANY circumstances. And he cautioned me against letting her have the child outside the jurisdiction of this court. He said that if that ever happened I would have no legal means of getting her back...with emphisis on the word LEGAL. and just to make sure I understood the implication he repeated it twice.

She asked for nothing and got nothing.

I raised my daughter by myself. One day after work I picked her up at the child care center and we sat in front of the tv watching Star Treck while we ate dinner, which was our custom. She seemed listless and bored and I asked her if she felt okay. She sighed heavily and looked at me and asked "Do we have to have tv dinners EVERY night?

OOOPS

I called my mom and asked her for a few tips as I was gettin' complaints.That is basically how I got interested in cooking and learned to enjoy it as I do.

She was 4 years old. Once she saw me with a sad look on my face. She came up to me and put her tiny hand on my shoulder and said, while patting my shoulder reassuringly, don't worry Dad, you'll find some one else to love us."

WOW!

Now I'm leaning on my 4 year old daughter for strength and support.

WOW!

But she was right. Soon after that I met Miss Pam and the rest is history.

If this story had a moral I guess it would be that you have to close one door before you can go through another.

Divorce can be discouraging but always remember we can not see around corners and we have no Idea what may be just ahead for us in our future.

 

[4506517]

It is funny how things change so fast.

Now that she can contact me (DVPO dismissed as part of the separation agreement) she is contacting me constantly. The separation agreement allows her to contact me in regards to settling our affairs exclusively. She has since threatened my job (again) and refuses to make executing the disposal of our affairs a speedy affair. She has since relinquished her car to me. I will sell it as per the agreement, but she has stated she will not split the loss I will take on it. The agreement stipulates she will split the profit or loss on the car.

She is now demanding I "come get your junk out of the house". It is unreal. She also threatening to take the dogs to the pound. I plead with her to allow me to take them to a rescue, but she wouldn't hear of it. I know she is doing it just to hurt me.

It is difficult trying to get all this done in conjunction with work. We are severely short handed and that makes it even more problematic.

I had to laugh that she stated she wants "us to be civilized towards each other" yet she is constantly berating me and putting me down.

Funny how now I am "the only father her kids have known for 12 years" and that now she's "going to destroy my career".

I told her she really needed help.

Going to try to go get my stuff on Monday.

This should be fun.

 

[petepeterson]

Going to try to go get my stuff on Monday.

This should be fun.

Most PDs will send an officer to the house as you remove your items if you ask. It may be a good idea, or at least take someone to record the event (be careful, the legality of this varies from state to state). Your a prime candidate to be set up for a false DV charge.

 

[Tinhack]

I've been through two. I was young for the first and didn't have much so it went smooth and I moved on. The second seemed to be a battle with no end and we both lost. We separated in 1989 and it took a year to finally settle. The thought to try it again with one girl crossed my mind in 2005 but she had more baggage than I did and I couldn't handle it. I'm still single and at my age no one would have me now. I've been single, but not alone, for a lot of years. I don't know if I could deal with a marriage at this point.

Which brings me to a point. There should be a time when you can check the Single Box instead of the Divorced Box but we're branded forever.

 

[357-RevolverGuy]

I went through a divorce last year that was finalized this January. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I understand how you feel and what you're going through. I'll try and offer some advice… Now I don't know if you're a believer, but if you do not belong to a church family right now would be a good time to start going and learn to depend on the Lord. There are Scriptures in the Bible that help you stay focused. God will give you the strength to get through this. You can't go it alone.

It will get brutal and it can get ugly. At least mine did. My ex-wife left me in a position where I was homeless for a short while and after the divorce I was left with an incredible amount of debt that I will be paying on for years to come. The more you are able to work things out with her one-on-one now will help save you a ton of money later. Tell yourself that you will try not to get bitter and that you won't let yourself get angry. Those two things are toxic to helping you recover.

Rebuild your life one day at a time. Start over (which you'll have to do), and work on becoming successful. It's what I have been doing. One day she will look back and see the success you became and wished she had given you a 2nd chance. The grief and sadness of the divorce will still be there from time to time but be determined to become a stronger, better man. Don't let the experience taint your view on women. There will be another future Mrs. and believe that she will be better than your ex in every way.

 

[Harvey T.]

Stay Busy

Stay busy...both physically and mentally. Keep your mind occupied with OTHER than what is happening. You may consciously have to tell yourself to do this. Believe it or not, it is not a bad idea to start dating. The "but" is to enjoy yourself as much as you can, but live presently, and don't, at least initially, look for a long term thing. If they don't know it, don't bring it up with a date. Remember the classic "this too shall pass." I wish you health, happiness, and most of all, peace.

 

[Bat Guano]

Late to the party. It's not me (married 40 years now, somehow!) but my son. He is getting well and truly hammered, and if lucky he will get some visitation rights with my beloved 8 YO grandson. It's awful, and getting worse all the time. Never having been involved or near a divorce, it's been a revelation.

Even though I consider myself a realist, the cruelty, evil and venom the legal system promotes is mind boggling to me. I've been essentially on my own since 13, and I thought I was fairly seasoned. Not really. My heart breaks for my son and grandson and what they are going to have to go through.

Nothing like having your guts ripped out legally.