have a dumb question. I have heard that the heavier the bullet weight the less the perceived recoil.
OLDandSLow got it right. Here's the rest of the story.
I am a no kidding physicist and pistol competitor. What you partially heard but did not understand is that "Two pistol loads having the same power factor, the heavier bullet kicks less."
BECAUSE THE HEAVIER BULLET WILL BE GOING SLOWER IF THE POWER FACTOR IS THE SAME.
"POWER FACTOR" is momentum in odd units. Multiply bullet weight in grains by speed in fps and divide by 1000.
The recoil impulse generated by a gun is NOT the same as the momentum transfer, and is more related to energy. ENERGY is weight times speed times speed, so a faster bullet generates more energy than a slower bullet at the same momentum.
Clear as mud? Well, the bottom line is competitors who handload can load a 40 cal bullet to minor power(probably using a softer recoil spring), and generate a softer recoil than a 9mm at the same power factor. How important is that? Well, to me a minor power 9mm recoil is no problem and I shoot 9mm.
You pays your money and you makes your choices.
And beware of "half truths!"
Here's a handy calculator that gives you 3 measures of recoil: Impulse, recoil velocity, and free recoil energy. (Read disclaimer on "felt recoil")
http://handloads.com/calc/recoil.asp
Notice you need WEIGHT of bullet, SPEED of bullet, and amount of powder used, since the powder is also ejected forward.